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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has not come home yet...

504 replies

HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 07/07/2018 05:06

He went to work at 6:30am yesterday, said he was going to have a drink after work and I've not heard from him or seen him since then, he finished work at 12:30.

He's not done this before, but he has recently been lying to me about who he has been out drinking with.

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 06/12/2018 20:07

Ex left me for OW last year.
Ds1 has ASD and is 15yrs. Ds2 11yrs.

Cetv set out all our finances. I have managed to off set the family home against his pension. Again it was so important to keep it for ds1 especially.... although ex wanted it on the market within 2 weeks of him leaving Hmm

Written in the Court Order is an undertaking that he has to financially support ds1 until ds1 is financially independent with the CMS minimum. I do not see ds1 ever being independent.

HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 06/02/2019 19:52

I've resurrected this thread for another update.

The decree nisi will be issued in a few days, the evidence I produced was enough to get the marriage dissolved on the grounds of adultery, which is what I wanted, I don't know why.
Wrt the financial settlement the plan so far is for me to keep the house.

OP posts:
importantkath · 06/02/2019 19:55

Good news!

nakedscientist · 06/02/2019 21:04

That's great OP. So you get the house? Hope you can start to live your life now, without this weight on your shoulders.

MrsCatE · 07/02/2019 04:10

Hadn't seen this before and have read the whole thread through. You've behaved impeccably - with dignity and decorum, always putting your kids first. A massive contrast to the vile behaviour of other woman, particularly with reference to the horrible threats to your son.

How are you and the DC? How are they coping with the changes? Flowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/02/2019 10:08

Pleased to see things are moving on haveyouseen and that you will keep the house.

explodingkitten · 07/02/2019 11:05

Just found this thread and OP, I have soooo much respect for how you handled this. I hope that you and the DC will have a very happy and peaceful future.

coffeeagogo · 07/02/2019 11:16

I have been following you OP since your first post and I think you are amazingly strong. So glad you are nearly there and get to stay in your home

StormTreader · 07/02/2019 11:30

Thats a great update :)

BifsWif · 07/02/2019 11:36

Great update, here’s to the rest of your life!

ImMeantToBeWorking · 07/02/2019 11:57

Not sure if this was mentioned, but if you have his google password you can check his timeline on google maps, or do it from his phone! He can't lie then!

I would KILL DP if he did this!

WhiteVixen · 07/02/2019 13:24

I think you need to read the full thread ImMeantToBeWorking, things have moved on somewhat from the original post!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2019 13:42

Well done OP.
Progress for you and hopefully now you can start to move on from all of this.
I really hope the OW is not longer being abusive to your DS????

HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 07/02/2019 16:21

@nakedscientist stbxh doesn't want to sell the house because of DS, he needs consistency in his life, it has been a big struggle getting DS back into mainstream education after so long in specialist education, if we sell up and split the proceeds we couldn't afford to stay in this quiet and safe area of the city, DS would struggle with a move and it is unlikely that DS will manage full time employment, he's barely coping with full-time college.

@MrsCatE we have good days and bad days, eldest doesn't really talk about it and DS is surprisingly coping very well with it, all things being considered. I feel lost and lonely and as if almost half of my life was worth nothing, the atmosphere in the house is different, there's something missing.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm, thank you, yes we're moving on albeit slowly.

@@explodingkitten* thank you, our future is me and the kids, we will make it as happy and peaceful as possible.

@coffeeagogo, @StormTreader and @BifsWif thank you all.

Going to pick DS up now, I'll be back later

OP posts:
Autumnbloom · 07/02/2019 20:38

Just read this thread today, you are amazing OP. What really came out in every single post was the love for your children (even though you must have been going through so much heartbreak), and your determination to put them first, no matter what. I am in awe. All the very best for the future. Flowers

Dowser · 08/02/2019 07:23

Wishing you well op in this new chapter of your life.
Hope you and the boys go from strength to strength.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2019 10:34

You're doing really well. I can't believe your H said he'd stop seeing her to save your marriage.

He's putting his nasty OW before his DS. Terrible behaviour.

Mix56 · 08/02/2019 15:21

It looks like all the bells & whistles have tarnished if half heartedly, he offered to return to the house. Maybe his rental isn't as cosy!
Unspeakable weak little man
.

HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 09/02/2019 10:02

@hellsbellsmelons DS hasn't mentioned anything significantly abusive from the OW for a few weeks but there was a deliberate attempt to try and wind me up a few weeks ago, I'm happy to report that I didn't rise to the bait mainly because of her attitude and the fact that it made her look like a petulant child, seems like I'm the only well adjusted adult in all of this.

@Autumnbloom thank you.

@Dowser thank you

OP posts:
HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 09/02/2019 11:44

@SandyY2K I also couldn't believe he offered to stop seeing her if it would save our marriage, he obviously thought that our marriage would be over if/when I found out about the affair because the first things he said after I confronted him was that "obviously we need to split up and live our own lives" by that point he had already made a conscious decision to carry on seeing her regardless, I don't understand why after a couple of months he decided to backtrack and offer to try and save our marriage whilst simultaneously restricting ds' life even more.

OP posts:
HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 13/02/2019 17:24

Who am I supposed to trust now?

  1. The friends who knew about the affair but kept quiet anyway and remained friends with stbxh and ow.

  2. The friends who during previous discussions stated that they would want to be told if someone knew that their spouse or partner was having an affair and who all agreed that they would tell their friends if that scenario materialised, but didn't tell and remained friends with stbxh and the ow.

  3. The friends who said that they would tell someone they knew that their spouse or partner was having an affair but wouldn't want to be told that themselves, but didn't tell and remain friends with stbxh and the ow.

One of these 'friends' has invited me out for coffee and cake and to talk about it.
My heart is telling me one thing and my head is telling me something different, I am wavering between hearing them out and telling them to fuck off. What should I do?

OP posts:
HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall · 13/02/2019 17:27

Just to add I have barely seen anyone since I found out about the affair.

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 13/02/2019 17:44

Tell them all to fuck the fuck off and start again with new friends . Sorry you are going through this Thanks

magoria · 13/02/2019 17:55

They are not friends the only reason to meet them would be for good cake and coffee. You can do that alone or with a real friend.

Say thanks but I am busy to anyone who has remained friends with a person who is abusive and threatening to a disabled child.

Who wants to associate with people like that or people who are happy to!

Bess78 · 13/02/2019 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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