DH has not come home yet...

[HaveYouSeentheWritingontheWall]

He went to work at 6:30am yesterday, said he was going to have a drink after work and I've not heard from him or seen him since then, he finished work at 12:30.

He's not done this before, but he has recently been lying to me about who he has been out drinking with.

Wow

Just wow, you are so strong x

Couldn't go to work yesterday because I am so stressed and not able to sleep. Eldest DC finally got the report from an ASD assessment carried out a couple of months ago, now I officially have 2 DC with an ASD Diagnosis, I wasn't surprised by the diagnosis but quite shocked by seeing everything tied in together in black and white, I still cannot get over the fact that I didn't see it for so long and now I feel a guilty about it, youngest DC was diagnosed at age 7 and his difficulties were extremely noticeable and we've had years of fighting for all of those difficulties to be 1) recognised 2) documented 3) supported, he was unable to cope with mainstream education and has spent the last 6+ years in specialist education which has made a huge difference, he is now attempting mainstream education again.

Eldest DC coasted through school very much under the radar and nobody picked up on anything but in college began to show signs of stress and anxiety which have got worse over the last few years to the point of quitting jobs because of an inability to cope mainly with the social communication side of things.

So this is where I am now, feeling stressed out about literally everything that is going on in our lives, temporarily unable to move forward.

I think you can't blame yourself you're not an ASD specialist and we all present differently with any spectrum condition.

Taking time off work is OK. You are deep in the weeds right now. It will be OK. Not yet. Day at a time.

I’ve just read through the thread. I’m so sorry for you and your DC. You’re a fabulous mum. You’re handling this so well and you’re allowed to have days like these. Do not be hard on yourself. The situation is not your making, you’re doing so well in dealing with a horrible situation not of your making. Virtual hug for you.

You can only work with the information you have AT THE TIME. You did your best and everything you do/did for your DC is done from a loving place. Please don't blame yourself for missing something in the past.

Big virtual hugs and

Oh and the cat has come home
The issue with the car has mysteriously stopped. The garage can't fix a problem that it can't hear or locate, I asked them to check the front brakes because they have been a bit ropey lately they are very close to the minimum legal limit so they are doing them.

Sounds like there are a couple of wins you can take from thus. At least now you have a diagnosis for your DS and the cat has come back. KOKO.

Yay for the cat coming back.

If it's any consolation DD has only just been diagnosed as an adult, despite me raising the difficulties and her differences, since she was 3. Just kept getting told it was parenting not her, and sent on yet another parenting course. When she began to have real difficulties with life and college they finally assessed and diagnosed her with ASD and other SLDs. Thanks a bunch camhs for leaving us to struggle on for 17 years wirh no support, o help and no adjustments at all in school or exams.

And hurrah the cat is back, and at least Eldest child does now have a diagnosis.

Pleased that the cat has come back Op. KOKO , your children are lucky to have you , you sound very strong , you will get through this .

OP, I've read the full thread and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I just want you to be careful not to accept the house instead of the pension without getting some advice. You could be retired a long time.

@HollowTalk thanks for your concern, I am getting good advice from my solicitor.

Another update for anyone who is still interested.

STBXH has moved out of the family home, a couple of weeks before he moved out he told me that he would stop seeing her if it would save our marriage but that would make it impossible to continue taking ds to the club events, I said that was unfair to put that decision on me and that DS would blame me for not being able to go to the events so I was not prepared to take the blame for a situation that he and the OW had created, I also said that if he had really wanted to save our marriage then he would have ended the affair months ago when I confronted them both, he said he was drunk that evening, I agreed but said that he waited 24 hours before trying to talk to me about it and by that point he had also had 24 hours to end the affair but he didn't and the very fact that they met up 3 days after that told me that at that point he didn't want to try and save our marriage, so he has tried to turn it all on me and my decisions.

OW husband does know about the affair, apparently she has told him that it had been going on for a year. I haven't spoken to him personally but he bumped into mutual friends and told them about the affair so I am assuming that she told him before she moved out of their house.

So he was at it for a year then? What an arsehole. You’re well rid. Good for you for standing your ground

What a moron, you're well rid and well done for standing your ground with him. I hope you and your ds are ok. Good luck for the future 💐

He has since admitted that the affair had been going on for a lot longer than a year, I think she said a year because when I confronted them both the evidence I had found pointed to it being a year but I had no idea when the evidence had been written so at that time I could only tell the solicitor that it had been going on for at least a year. I think she told her husband it was a year to minimise any fallout.

I expect the glow of the shiny new affair is starting to dim and it is slowly dawning on him how dull she really is. Don't let him back. After the way he has treated you and your children he has made it clear that he only cares about himself.

I've been reading from the start (I may have commented under a different name). It's good to hear you're strong and positive about what is an awful, terrible situation. You deserve so much better!

What horrible people they are. Glad you told STBXH that trying to make you decide (as if he'd ever had deserved another chance or been an attractiveness offer)... Utterly horrible man.

I send you millions of and hugs and hand holds. Glad you have your home to yourself now.

I also said that if he had really wanted to save our marriage then he would have ended the affair months ago

If he wanted to save your marriage he would never have had an affair in the first place

@AutumnB yes that's true, but since he was having an affair the logical thing to do would have been to stop the affair immediately and try to save the marriage (if that was what he wanted) not continue with the affair, treat me as if I meant nothing to him, use our house like a B&B, allow our DS to be verbally abused and threatened with physical violence ( purely because of his Disability) and then months down the line say "I'll stop seeing her if it saves our marriage" and expect me to agree and welcome him back with open arms.

He's admitted that what he has done was wrong but he has not apologised for anything and his actions over the last few years and months lead me to believe that he thinks he has nothing to apologise for.

I've read your whole thread, and I wanted to say how utterly amazing you have been through all of this. You've been so very grown up and dignified, whilst he's been a total ballbag. I salute you dear lady for your tenacity. Xxxx you really are a class act. Xxxxxx

OP I've also lurked from the start and yes you are amazing.

I wondered if this thread had helped you both in terms of reading your own feelings like a diary and the comments from others.

Do you think you've Bren able to be firmer/clearer/more resolved and thus acted more quickly?

@Abitsadbuthopeful, thanks, I have been taught well by a very dignified but formidable woman (my mum)and I've been grown up a long, long time. It is pointless to be a bitter, point scoring, ranting arsehole in my situation, it's just not worth the effort. I know what a dipshit stbxh has been and one day he will realise that the grass isn't really any greener on the other side of the fence, my only real worry is that OW will continue to chip away at what little relationship stbxh and DS have left.

@nakedscientist (love the name) yes it has helped although I have not really read back over it. It has helped prevent me from doing something which I might one day regret and that can only be a good thing. I don't think it has helped me act more quickly because I rarely allow my heart to rule my head and when I discovered the affair my first thought was it's over, nearly 3 decades of my life down the drain and the only thing worth it is my amazing children.