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Original poster

Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

309 replies

sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:38

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:38

Forgot ages; he is 38 and I am 34.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:43

Don't know how to edit sorry, she is 19 and knew all about me.

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 08:43

what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38?

A teenager with no experience or understanding of what she's letting herself in for. I feel really sorry for you and her. He should damn well know better. How old is she?
FWIW I don't think he's having a breakdown. As hard as it may be, let him go. He's let you down when you most needed him. Things have been great while you've been strong and well and so the love was fun. As soon as it became taxing and you needed looking after, he's gone off with a teenager?? Good grief. As horribly hard as it will be, let him go.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2018 08:45

Is this the guy fucking a 19yo ?

He's a lost cause, love. Let him go.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:45

I just can't really seem to process it. How can people throw everything away to try something out that's so shaky?

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 08:47

Sorry, x-posted re age. She's barely old enough to legally consume alcohol or smoke. Processing the consequences of her actions are not her strong point - literally, that rational, prefrontal cortex part of her brain still isn't fully formed. Teenagers process thought with their amygdala - the emotions centre. She's acting on her emotions and she thinks she's in love. What is your fiance's excuse?!

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:47

She's off to uni in Sept!

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:48

I don't know what his excuse is, wants to be a teenager again?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/07/2018 08:48

By using the term "try out" it seems you are leaving the door open for him to come back when he tires of the new 19yo tits

Go back and read your other thread. Read it again and again. The answers are not going to change.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:52

No he said 'try it out' not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:53

Sorry not sure why you're being funny, I hardly have anyone to turn to where I live and I'm still ill so I'm reaching out to try and understand from other people that have been through this.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 06/07/2018 08:53

You find out someone's true character when the going gets tough. All this stuff about him being a great guy before was when things were going well for the pair of you. A few potholes on the road of life and he crumbles. I think he's immature and always has been, he's just not been tested before. At 38 he's not going to grow up now so try and turn your regrets into gratefulness thst you're rid of the waste of space whilst there's still plenty of life ahead of you.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:55

I suppose I keep wondering if it's stress after me being ill so long. I know I sound like I'm sticking up for him. He's not here now, I asked him to leave but I still can't process what's happened. It's hard because I still can't get out and about much and am stuck in 4 walls with myself.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 06/07/2018 08:56

Good that you found out now. Let him go and NEVER let him back. He is a user and not a keeper.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:58

We did have ups and downs before and he never did this. I was ill before and he looked after me. I've looked after him. It's not the first big thing. I know that doesn't make it better or anything, I just can't get over how someone can change that much in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 09:01

But, even if it was the stress, there's no future for a relationship where your partner responds to stress by leaving your for a 19 yr old. Marriage is amazing, but it's hard and there will be harder times than the one you've just been through. You need to know your spouse is going to be side by side with you every step of the way - even carrying each other at some points. Instead he was responded to your illness and surgery like this. Not his illness btw, yours. You need the support and the help. He's not there. As soon as you were somehow "broken" for a while and needed more than laughs and talks and cuddles and nights out, he's legged it - for someone who probably only wants/needs those things. It's very telling. I can appreciate what an awful situation you are in and send lots of support to you, but this is over. And I genuinely think in time you will realise it was a lucky escape.

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/07/2018 09:02

I suppose I keep wondering if it's stress after me being ill so long

That's a lame excuse. You say you've been off work for a few months and no doubt you were ill before that, so what? Look at all the people who have partners or children with major debilitating conditions that they've loved and supported for years and continue to do so without buckling. Your exBF is just a dickish manchild, there's nothing more to it.

PhilODox · 06/07/2018 09:02

Please forget about him- you're worth more than this. There's nothing to be confused about-face he's an asshat, move on.
Don't let him mess you around, keeping his options open Hmm
Hopefully you don't have children together?

PoisonousSmurf · 06/07/2018 09:03

When my mum had dementia and my dad was looking after her, he was secretly in touch with a woman in the USA.
As soon as my mum died (7 years ago), he sheepishly introduced his 'girlfriend' to me and my brother withing 2 months of the funeral.
They had known each other for a couple of years.
If your partner is having a 'mid life crisis', tell me what my dad is having!
He is 70 years old and the woman is younger than me!!

BluebellsareBlue · 06/07/2018 09:03

This man is not worth your time, frustration or tears. If he can leave to 'try it out' with an emotionally immature girl who is leaving for uni in September, who will he leave you for next? Especially whilst you are ill, he clearly has the emotional range of a tea spoon.
Don't let him back OP.
And hugs to you and I hope you are better soon.

egginacup · 06/07/2018 09:04

Went through very similar with my ex, right down to the new clothes and hanging out with 20 year olds! All our friends were so shocked by the change in his behaviour, kept trying to talk to him, convinced he was having a mid life crisis, how could he walk away from his family (DC were 5 and 3 at the time) to live in a shared house with 25 year olds etc. The bottom line is, regardless of whether it was a midlife crisis or not, he was a disrespectful arsehole to me. I kicked him out completely when I found out there was a woman involved. 4 years on he’s still with her and seems to be living the life he wanted- more freedom etc, sees DC every other week. I’m much happier without him.

You are 34, and there are no DC involved- you have plenty of time to start again. Just kick him out and move on.

Costacoffeeplease · 06/07/2018 09:04

Make sure he stays gone, even if he comes back with puppy dog eyes and promising the world. If he can do it once, and get taken back, he’ll do it again

Nellyphants · 06/07/2018 09:05

Stress is normal, nobody gets a stress free life. Most of us don’t respond to it by ‘trying out’ a 19 year old when he’s old enough to be her Dad.

He’s very immature, you never had the opportunity to see it before.

The thing with the 19 year old wont last long, he’ll be back to cry on your shoulder

Will you take him back?

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 09:05

Yeah I know I must sound stupid and naive, it's just the change of personality and throwing away everything you've built together to go backwards, it's as if he's running away. I suppose it reminds me of me when I was a teenager, if I had a rough time and I would just up and leave and not look back. I don't know how you can do that this age though, and not care about all the pain you leave behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 09:07

No I don't think I could because he was able to lie to my face and he doesn't seem to care about the pain he's caused. I suppose I just wish i understood why, he won't talk though and when he does he says it's mainly my fault.

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