Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

@sausagelegs101

His head got turned by some young girl giving him attention. Likely hood is it won't last. She may keep him hanging on but 'cheat' on him while at uni and he will get a taste of his own medicine. She may just leave him entirely.
To him the attraction is a young and perky girl giving him attention
To her the attraction could be a guy who has a job, probably the attention she is getting as well

Whatever happens with them you don't deserve to be treated that way and I hope 'when he comes to his senses' that he apologises and you slam the door in his face.

The thing is they have the same job, probably on the same bloody wages. I just feel like he wants to live a teenage life or something.

@FolkGirl Feeling pretty rough, just because we used to do a lot of stuff together on Sundays. Taking my mind a while to process he's gone for good.

OMG

This is exactly what happened to me and my husband 2 years ago, apart from our age. He was 43, I was 42, she was in her early 30s. Complete sudden change of personality, hygiene/appearance, disappearance, large amount if money withdrawn from cash machine all within 2 weeks. He only met her a few times in space of 2 months, he said she is fun because she goes out to drink and know how to have fun.

I was the most tired in my life at the time looking after my 3 kids, working, doing all the school runs, childminder runs and taking all responsibility of EVERYTHIN in the house and kids as well as paperworks. My 2 years old then was still waking at night unless I sleep next to her. A lot of times I just fell asleep next to her because I was so burn out while he goes to his regular evening out, drink or gym. I thought he would appreciate me but no.

He had been going through midlife crisis, we knew it before this happened, he doesn't want any external help. That is part of the reason I let him flirt with his colleagues as long as he doesn't cheat. I let him talk about it at home because it makes him feel better about himself being still attractive to women at this age. What a mistake!

The reason we are still together because we have kids together, everyone is worst off financially by running 2 households, he refused to rent a room. The woman not even live in this country, kept telling him to leave me and the kids. My husband obviously been telling her he hasn't been happy in our relationship for the last few years which of course I never aware because he has been telling me he loved me. He has been making excuses for himself is okay to cheat. The most painful part was him being so remorseless! He was ready to walk out from all of us for someone he barely knew!

2 years on, we are still together, it must have took him almost 2 months to realise he has done something stupid. He saids it will never happen again. Do I trust him? NO! He has destroyed my special feelings for him. He still hasn't told any of his friends and family, don't think he ever will.

I don't think I will be with him today if it wasn't for our kids although I still love him. I just can not trust him and forgive what he has done to us.

You deserve better, wish you all the strength to get over this painful event.

Thanks for sharing your story @plsbemyturn

Best wishes to you too.

When will the pain of this get easier? I have a permanant bad stomach, no appetite and every morning I wake at 4 or 5 after nightmares then the realisation of what has happened slowly creeps in. Feel so adrift thinking my life was going one way and now I'm single at 34 not knowing what to do next feeling ugly as sin because I was left for a teenager that looks Mr Bean in a wig.

It's just time, sausage. That is the only thing that helps, unfortunately. A lot of us have been where you are now, and we're still standing, a lot of us happier and more successful than we were when we were dumped.

It's tough and it's awful and you inch your way through, day by day, and then one day you wake up and realise that, yesterday you hardly thought of him at all. It really does get better, but the beginning part is truly awful and pain that nobody who hasn't been through it can understand.

There are loads of threads on here from people in the same boat, and it can be a lifeline to just chat to those who've been through it or who are going through it!

Thanks @Zaphod I suppose it's just hard to see through these dark clouds at the moment, I know that sounds cheesy. I honestly feel like after how hard that 4 months of recovery was and then this that I'm in some weird nightmare. I said to my Mum 'I'll wake up soon won't I?'

I want to start up and join some new groups and things like that to distract myself but I'm dealing with some really bad feelings of self worth and not wanting to even go out really. I've been getting drunk every night, but I'm worried that that is a bad road to deal with your feelings.

I'll see if I can find those threads, thank you.

I'm glad you are recovering from your op. It's a real shame what's going on but I get the feeling his thoughtless and lack of sensitivity it's due to the thought of playing with a new toy.
He is so flattered and excited that he doesn't care about your feelings.
This girl it's going to uni and leaving him to clean his mess.
Sadly it's your life they are playing with. I don't know what you'll like to do after the affair it's over but for now his dick is doing all the thinking.
I hope you recover fully and think about what's next for you.

For gods sake stop making excuses for him. He has dumped you for a younger model - harsh, but true in its simplest form. It doesn't matter what the reason is - he didn't care about your feelings when it started and he doesn't care now. That isn't a man you should be with. Please have some self respect and end this entirely now.

It has ended, I was asking for help on how to deal with the pain. The excuses were just shock and denial at the start of the week when I first posted this.

OP, he’s nearly 40, earning the same wages and in the same job as a 19 year old.

He sounds like a loser.

I bet you did most of the work around the house/in life, didn’t you?

The best revenge is a life well lived. Move, buy new clothes, go on an amazing holiday, meet someone better. That’s your revenge.

I didn't, he was great around the house and in life.

Yeah I know, was just looking for some tips about how to feel better over the next few weeks, just pretty rough having a long recovery from injury and then this. Finding it hard to pick myself up.

Thanks :)

I won't lie to you sausage it will take a long time for you to get through this. It took me YEARS to process it all and move on when it happened to me. It's like a bereavement and you will go through all the classic stages before you come out the other side. It's very easy for people to say 'move on' & 'meet someone better' but you can't just turn off your feelings and emotions like a tap. I wish you all the best.

Yeah seems to be a range of emotions. Packing away all the anniversary and valentines presents. Wish I could just turn off my feelings like a tap.

Sorry if you have already said it but when are you going back to work and what is your recovery time? When I split with exh I found work really helped although I never would have thought it.

Be prepared for him to come crawling back when she goes off to Uni.

Do not take him back. You deserve better than this and he has shown his true colours by waltzing off into the sunset with someone barely older than a child.

Let him make a fool of himself. What does his family think?

Have you got enough to occupy your mind while you recover? Can you study? Join groups?

You keep writing that you can't believe he threw it all away. He didn't. He never really wanted to be settled. Like you said, he wants to play at being a teenager and being adored and fucked by a naive 19 year old.

I rather suspect that the more you look back over the last few years the more you will remember things to indicate that you were building something good for the future while he was just tagging along because it was easy.

Sorry but men quite often act out of character, saying the right things and making plans whilst doing God knows what behind your back. I've been there and trusted him 100%. It is highly unlikely that he's having a breakdown. I know it's easier and less painful to think he might be. I'm sorry you're going through this hurt.

In the long term you will recover better if you recognise that he was always an immature needy twat but that circumstances meant you didn't find out properly for ages. It's not a breakdown. It's a reveal.

@TooDamnHot I was at work for a few days last work, only had to do a few hours. Was referred for counselling (work for NHS) as was finding it hard to cope with one big life change after another. Hopefully they can give me some advice. Probably best to get into a routine with work.

@GreenFingers He hasn;t told anyone I don't think.

@Rabbitsaretasty I get what you're saying, and I think it will be hard for me to see ithat way for a while as I am still in a bit of denial. I think when the chips were down (me being laid up 3 and a half months he didn't get any affection and the first person that flattered him he thought it was 'true love' or something when it's just new feelings, maybe that's still me in denial but I don't think it's some amazing love or something) Probably a factor is wanting to be like a teenager, carefree etc.

Yeah I'm signing up for some volunteer work I always meant to do and looking at study.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. Hard to see clearly at the moment, but keep coming back to re-read these replies to try and see the reality of it instead of getting stuck in my own thoughts.

I am sorry with how badly he has treated you OP. You must be going through so many emotions right now.

Have you accepted there is no going back from this? I'm sure he'll come crawling back once she's off to uni and he realises he is still a 40yr old man. He probably thinks you'll forgive him after some sweet talking because so far he has seen weakness from you.

Take the power back OP!

Once you have the strength you should totally go out shopping, get yourself pampered, do things that make you feel good.

And sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.

Oh and listen to some empowering music.

Good on you for getting the ball rolling with volunteering and studying. This is a fantastic step forward and away from that turd of an ex.

This probably sounds cringe but, YOU GO GIRL!

Haven't read all the responses but definitely do not in any circumstances get back together. That's it. The way he treated you and spoke to you? Zero respect, Truely shameful.
The girl will def get bored don't you worry about it. Only a matter of time. She's still a kid so I wouldn't harbour at I'll to get whatsoever. He's the grown man supposedly in a relationship.
I would let everyone know if they don't know. Seriously. He's not told because he's embarrassed. Make sure they all know!! :)
And I know is hard....I truly do... you will get better soon...an you'll be in a different place with somone who would never disrespect you like that. Stay strong x