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Original poster

Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

309 replies

sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:38

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 09:21

I wonder who wants to stay friends with him when they find out what he's done. He says he hasn't told any of his friends yet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2018 09:38

Please start telling people so you can get some RL support Thanks

RainySeptember · 07/07/2018 09:39

Steel yourself for everyone knowing op, because you may be disappointment.

Initially people will be shocked and critical of him, but many come round in time.

I know I was very hurt when friends started saying things like 'well they do seem well suited' and 'even good people do bad things'. Ultimately, no one has been hurt like you have and, if he's willing to put the effort in, at least some of them will continue being friends with him.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 09:46

Ugh really? I get if they stay friends but how can they be okay with it? I was laid up having the worst deal of my life and he chased a teenager instead of thinking about the person he was with. I know people make mistakes and I get people trying to understand but he did it for weeks. Well I know the truth and that I can hold my head up knowing I respect people. He can't. Whatever his friends say, deep down he will must know that he couldn't stand by someone when it mattered the most.

OP posts:
Username10000 · 07/07/2018 10:02

Exactly

ijustwannadance · 07/07/2018 10:07

Stop looking for shit you think you have/haven't done. It isn't you. The fact that he did this when you needed his support the most should tell you everything you need to know.

I can tell that you are secretly hoping he will come back. He hasn't told anyone because
a) he doesn't want people thinking he's a gobshite
b) because by stringing you along and leaving his options open, if his plan goes tits up he can simply come back to you and no one will need to know he's a gobshite.

If you take him back he will say it was all your fault because xyz and you will spend all your time constantly trying to please him in case he does it again. That isn't love.

Be strong. Move on.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/07/2018 10:09

At the moment his motivation is simple - sex, fun and freedom.

It's new and exciting. It may last, it most probably won't, either way he has shown you that you are second best.

If he comes back it's because he's had his fun and wants security back - don't be there to be a mug for him.

RandomMess · 07/07/2018 10:11

Seriously I would tell people he started having an affair with a 19 year old x months ago. Once it's out there it will be much harder for you to let him come crawling back!

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 10:19

Yeah I admit it, I am a mug, I still haven't switched off how I feel. And yes I keep thinking maybe he's going knock on the door and say it was madness. I know that I am being stupid and that is just my mind trying to cling on to what my reality was for years. I'm trying my best to start to kove on, but it hasn't even been a week since he told me about her and went to stay at his friends.

Like I said in another post, I just feel like a stuck record thinking the same thoughts and I just feel like I can't process that he's not at all who I thought it was. Kind of ruins my trust in anyone.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 07/07/2018 10:40

You'd never be able to trust him again. Always be on edge waiting for him to find someone new to play with.

It's still very fresh. No one is saying it's easy, but have the self respect to know going back would be worse and this pain will ease in time.

Do you have any support at all in rl?

Username10000 · 07/07/2018 10:54

Chump lady website is good

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 10:56

Yeah I know, my head tells me all that. Just a matter of letting the fog of emotions clear, suppose it will be a process after building a whole life together that long.

Yeah I have been able to talk it through with a few family and close friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 10:59

That chump lady website looks really good. Just reading this:

www.chumplady.com/2018/06/when-you-cant-leave-because-you-still-love-them/

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 07/07/2018 12:03

Yes it's definitely not you op. It breaks my heart to hear people second-guessing why their spouse cheated, analysing what they might have done wrong.

The chances are you did absolutely nothing to deserve that level of dick behaviour. If he wasn't happy, he could have talked to you about it, tried counselling, ultimately separated with dignity.

Either he was too cowardly to address things with you, or was perfectly content until he clicked with someone else.

It won't last, of course it won't. Her parents must be beside themselves. It will all go pear shaped soon enough and he'll have years to reflect on his shameful behaviour.

Kismett · 07/07/2018 12:58

It’s hard to wrap your head around because you don’t actually know him. It’s so hard to reconcile these versions when he turns out he was more unhappy, immature, and cruel than you imagined. But he was, and he is, and you’re going to have to accept that the man you love doesn’t actually exist.

It’s awful, and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But you will get through it if you want to.

HeavenlyEyes · 07/07/2018 13:56

You won't be able to comprehend what he has done ever - and the reason is that you are not wired up like him. This is a good thing. You are still reeling from the shock. It is horrific, takes your breath away sometimes. Just keep on keeping on. Eat, rest, lean on those who love you. Tell people what he has done, seriously - do not keep his dirty secret.

And when he comes crawling back in October - once she comes to her senses, do not take him back. And I hate to say it, but please get STI tested too. So sorry.

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 14:18

He's coming in getting his stuff today and he's so cold and horrible. How can people change this quick? It's like a stranger.

Thanks for the replies. Reading all the advice.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/07/2018 14:21

Good luck today. He's probably being cold to allow him to disengage and not deal with emotion.

Just stay out of his way if you can. Please don't beg him to come back or anything. Just let him do what he needs to do and leave.💐

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 14:31

I'm not begging, I was asking him questions, I suppose I should just leave it. He won't say anything anyway, just cold wall and not looking at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 14:31

Thanks @bluntness100 I wish I had done that, probably should have.

OP posts:
AnxietyKilledTheDog · 07/07/2018 14:36

I have PMed you.

Bluntness100 · 07/07/2018 14:37

It will be many things, from guilt to discomfort, to not wishing to engage.

Has he been and gone?

Original poster
sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 15:10

I will read that now thanks @Anxietykilledthedog

Yes he was in and out like lightning, cant' believe someone can pack that quick.

OP posts:
Teabay · 07/07/2018 20:50

Change the locks ASAP.

Make it your home - he left it!

FolkGirlAtHeart · 08/07/2018 07:20

Please don't suggest that, teabay, without knowing who the house belongs to/who is on the rental agreement. It could get the OP in trouble.

Hope you are doing ok @sausageleg101.