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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

309 replies

sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 08:38

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

OP posts:
Awoof · 06/07/2018 15:24

My ex did this to me when I was recovering from a near death incident. Within weeks.
I think you are in shock but what you need to be is angry. You are grieving and finding out that then man you thought you knew doesn't exist.

Awoof · 06/07/2018 15:28

Also OP I moved and got new flat new job and new friends. Best decision ever. Go spread your wings and have a good 12 months of finding you again

Pineappler · 06/07/2018 15:51

Don't take him back, even if he asks. He will do this again. He's not emotionally mature enough to have an adult relationship let alone a wife and kids.

He's enjoying himself and will most likely find another relationship once this one ends.

sausagelegs101 · 06/07/2018 15:56

I'm finding the injury and then this too hard to cope with. I just sat in the bathroom saying 'I am in a nightmare' a few times and felt all shaky and weird like I was losing grip on reality. I keep thinking if I feel this empty what's the point. I lost my mobility for 4 months and then my best friend and partner. I don't feel like any take any more. Family are spead out so think that might be amplifying how alone I feel.

OP posts:
Awoof · 06/07/2018 15:59

Are you able to get to a sibling or to your parents sausage? You need some looking after and kindness lovely

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 16:12

You're shocked and scared. It's totally normal. But I promise you, you can cope with this and more besides. Do not focus on next month or next week or even tomorrow. Just focus on this afternoon. One hour at a time. Make a phonecall to someone who you love and will support you. Then think about what you want for dinner. That's it. Keep it simple, keep it short term. You can and you will get through this. You're a woman. We're strong AF. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 06/07/2018 16:41

Sausage what's the financial situation? Do you own your home? Whose names is it in? What about do you renT? Again who is the tenancy in? Can you maintain your home financially as in afford to stay there?

What about the physical? Are you able to stay on your own?

FolkGirlAtHeart · 07/07/2018 06:52

@sausagelegs101 How are you today?

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 07:39

@FolkGirlAtHeart I'm barely clinging on, I got drunk last night and that eased the pain, can't really do that for too long I suppose. I woke up this morning and it all hit me again.

I just can't seem to process how a person can throw everything away to live the way he's going to live at 38. I know I'm a broken record but I'm just stuck on that, that someone that will be going to uni in 2 months and looks like a child was enough to make him walk away from everything. I'm mad that he left me in the shit, he's not asked anything about financial issues, he let me book bloody holidays, it's like a weird dream.

OP posts:
Username10000 · 07/07/2018 07:48

Yes it sounds it feels like a bad and weird dream for you
(Going through similar)

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 07:49

How are you dealing with it @Username1000

OP posts:
Username10000 · 07/07/2018 08:04

Cliche but time helps
Reaching out for support to real life people (in hindsight wish I had been more selective)
If you are kid free be glad of this and make a clean break (more complex when kids involved)

Username10000 · 07/07/2018 08:06

Maybe we need to start a support thread for those going through break ups there is a lot of this happening at the moment!

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 08:15

Yeah I've been trying to reach out, helps to talk. Although at the moment I'm talking in circles because I just can't process it. Hopefull I will soon.

I keep thinking won't he wake up in this poky houseshare and realise that he left everything and everyone thinks low of him and for what? I suppose I can't understand it because I would never dream of doing this to him or anyone.

I feel like he has no morals or respect at all and I thought he was a decent genuine man. It totally wrecks my head that you can think you know someone so well after so many years and in the space of a week or so theyve shattered everything you think of them.

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 07/07/2018 08:28

You say you have no ties to the area so the world is your oyster now, thank goodness you didn't waste any more years of your life on him. Go and live an amazing life, leave him to grub around after young girls from his flat share. He's managed to fool one but I doubt he'll have much more success after she leaves for uni. I predict you will be happier than him a year from now.

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 08:43

@RainySeptember Yeah I keep thinking about that, just have to wait a bit to think about any of that as I'm not fully recovered from my injury and am having treatment still.

When will I start to accept it all though? I feel like I'm skiping cd at the moment stuck with the same circle of thoughts.

Also what should I make of him wanting to stay friends and saying he still cares about me?

OP posts:
Username10000 · 07/07/2018 08:53

Talking in circles helps to process it. Keeping a journal as well

Username10000 · 07/07/2018 08:56

Yes to what you put in your post of 8.15

RainySeptember · 07/07/2018 08:56

There's no magic bullet, it's just time and distraction unfortunately.

I've heard it takes one month for every year that you were together, broadly true for me.

IME the 'lets stay friends' is either guilt (so they can kid themselves that they let you down gently) or trying to keep the door open in case they want to come back.

If I were you, I'd go completely no contact. Let him feel the full force of his decision, and what his new life looks like without you in it. He's expecting you all sad and pathetic and wanting him back, don't give him that.

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 09:02

Yeah I need to be a bit stronger with that no contact, he's moving into a street right near me 2 minutes away so it's going to be a bit surreal.

OP posts:
averythinline · 07/07/2018 09:04

Block him - do not stay 'friends' - real friends dont treat each other this badly - just tell him to fuck off and enjoy his flatshare with a smile...

He is no friend of yours..... the pain will calm down after time - I know you are still having treatment but do you have a timeline for that as it helps me to have something positive to look forward to...so maybe arrange to go see your cousin in canada when you can fly....

Toodamnhot · 07/07/2018 09:09

Yes don’t stay friends. You will be even more confused if he is kind to you and you will be half expecting/hoping for him to come back.

You can’t get your head around it because it is early days and you are still in shock. Give yourself some time to slowly process it and agree with pp, distract yourself if you can.

sausagelegs101 · 07/07/2018 09:13

Yeah thought it might be to ease guilt, I said to him 'what do you treat your enemies like then?' Trying to change his own mental image of himself I suppose 'I'm not that bad if she'll be friends'. Charming. This all does make you feel f*ing worthless.

OP posts:
FolkGirlAtHeart · 07/07/2018 09:19

Don’t stay friends; he hasn’t got your best interest at heart. I know it’s though but try to limit communication to the necessities.

FolkGirlAtHeart · 07/07/2018 09:20

Tough not though