Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

Why do they have to plaster everything everywhere if it's such a great love or whatever? Why can't they slow down? I don't get why people have to plaster everything on social media with no regards for the person who got hurt.

I know people will say they're just thinking about themselves and stop looking but why do they do it? He's not even taken everything out, he didn't even say anything like thanks for the good times or anything. I get people leave but why so heartless, cheating and lying and then all the pictures everywhere at breakneck speed.

He is a tosser. Just let him go and do all of this stupid shit and let him hang himself with all that rope he's made for himself, especially when she goes to uni (omg she is really a child isn't she).

His friends (real friends) and family are no doubt going to be disgusted and he will soon realise what a plum he is. Don't take him back and just think at least you don't have kids!

People who post things all over social media are usually the ones who are trying to prove something to everyone else. I know it's so hard but you have to block and delete your accounts I still feel the urge to search for the woman who my partner decided to cheat on me with but what would it achieve..... nothing just make me feel shit again.
Trust me and everyone else who has said you are better of without him and in a few months/years you will realise you had a lucky escape and one day his conscience will catch up with him and he will realise he is a shitty person!!

Yeah I did block them both, just stupidly looked at work.

I know people say it's not about me, what they're posting, but the comments from her are so hurtful. 'This has been a thing for a while' literally a week after I found out. Then 'I'm surprised I hid it as long as I did.' F*cking hurtful and why post that as a public post?

Because she’s a silly girl..... immature and probably hasn’t even occurred to her you might read it.

Guaranteed her family are not cool with it, they are just thinking the same as everyone else, she’s going to university and dump him.

I had the same with my ex, went off with the babysitter. I had a newborn baby and my dad had just died.

I had palpitations thinking about seeing them in the street.

Turns out that all they people they worked with where giving her grief about breaking up a family. I didn’t find out for years later, she was terrified of me and used to ask my ex to hide stuff of mine when she went round.

It’s probably not as blissful as you imagine for them

Can you block them from work too I had too?

Being so insensitive is probably most to with her age she only cares about herself which every young person does deep down or when she grows up she will feel shit about how she has behaved, don't feel bad for looking or feeling sorry for yourself or talking about it it's better than holding it in and having to deal with it inside your own head.
His true friends and family will be disappointed and think wtf is he doing..... her family probably do not know the circumstances of what they have done to you.

I agree she is probably terrified of bumping into you especially if she's on her own or not with him.... she should be glad you don't want to track her down and give her the abuse she deserves but it prob wouldn't make you feel any better

He is probably being cruel and thoughtless because it makes it easier for him to be like that. Being nice to you may cause guilt and we can't have that can we!!
Also you don't know what he's told her about you. No doubt will fed her the usual lines of how you didn't treat him well etc (or didn't understand him). She's not your friend so she has no reason to feel bad for you.
Believe me that most people who know what they've done with think its shocking they're posting it all over social media.

The co-orkers and friends knew he was engaged to me and that I was recovering after an accident. They commented saying stuff like 'knew it', feel like it's all one big joke.

Sorry to repeat anything but this is keeping me just about sane posting here.

Sorry to hear about that @prettywhiteguitar :(

Yeah I have now @maximoo

They are just probably revelling in the gossip and something to talk about.... as cruel and unfair as that is on you. They are probably saying what a dick he is behind his back trust me and will be laughing at him in a few months when he gets dumped by the 19 year old.

@crappyday2018 is right it's the classic sayings that the cheater uses of she's a psycho she's a bitch she doesn't understand me she doesn't want sex... blah blah!! To make them feel better about being a shit person. I had to hear from the girl that my partner told her I was shit in bed

Yeah he already said that he couldn't talk to me, and my temperment changed. Wouldn't tell me how. So no doubt that's what he told her.

I admit I found it hard to not go out or do hardly anything for myself for 3 months, it was stressful. My injury also had the possibility of complications and I had to keep learning stage by stage whether I was clear of them. But I don't think it's far to say I should have been prancing about looking like Angelina Jolie or something and cracking jokes when I was struggling and recuperating. It was a rubbish time.

But he will get ill or have an accident one day and so she will. Or whoever he finds next will. Life is like that.

He's blamed everything on me but when i've thought about it, he must have started at least an emotional affair with her back in Feb so that would have been affecting our relationship.

Sausage, it sounds like they're trying very hard to build an image online of a couple so in love and made for each other but remember, much of this sort of thing is superficial and for show. She's immature so quite probably doesn't understand the difference between love, lust and infatuation anyway, and if her family are nice they may well be humouring her when she introduced your ex to them. For all you know they might think he's a twat and that she's making a big mistake, but they're putting on a face to not alienate themselves from her. It happens all the time.

She'll probably be off to uni in a couple of weeks and then he'll be all alone, in a long-distance "relationship" with a girl who'll be busy studying and socialising with her peers. I hope that does his head in.

Oh Sausage to some degree don’t give their motivations head space.

You are so much better than the pair of them you really are. You will (once ready) find someone and have an honest relationship based on mutual respect.

They have based all of this on deceit and are now trying to play the perfect couple. It’s actually really pathetic.

I know it’s really tough but try and do something nice for yourself everyday. It will get easier.

If you love someone, let them go.

It's time to let him go OP, however painful that will be

His behaviour is not about your shortcomings.

He has done something very irrational and he is therefore saying irrational things to you to excuse his behaviour.

There’s no man on the planet that would be happy about his daughter dating a guy 20 years older than her. Other people will also think it’s gross and that it won’t last.

It won’t last either.

He is a fool. Don’t doubt it. You couldn’t have done anything different. He has had his head turned by youth. He can’t turn the clock back but god he will go to extreme lengths to try! Good luck with that mate!

What is meant for you will not pass you by. So they say. Accept that it wasn’t meant to be and the door is open for some other fantastic life journey.

I do agree heartbreak is one of the worst pain to go through as an adult.

Each day you will get better. The longer you go without him the closer you are to moving on.

Looking at pics etc is understandable but you learned what happens to you when you resort to that. It’s your choice to decide whether you want to do it again but I think there was a lesson in there somewhere.

Thanks for the replies, I know it's not good to give it headspace.

Easier said than done when your life has been intertwined with someone elses for best part of 7 years. It's not that easy just to let go like that especially the way they've done it. I think if I could let go after a few weeks it would mean he meant nothing to me.

It's not exactly easy, this man was coming to appointments with me just a few weeks back about a serious injury and smiling with me when we were told good news, planning all sorts for the coming months whilst the whole time he was with a teenager sneaking about. That's hard to get your head round.

It's not easy just to move on after a few weeks. I get I will have to but I'm just struggling to deal with how they did it, that's why I have posted back.

He's gone, it's not like I'm contacting him except to get him to get the last of his stuff. I'm just struggling with the aftermath, keep lying awake wondering how I could have missed it under my nose that's all.

I'm not looking back at facebook or anything like that now, that was a stupid mistake and sets you back.

I am really grateful for the replies on here, other people's experiences and advice can help you gain a bit of clarity and stop repeating stupid things like looking at social media. xx

Hi OP. Just wondering how you are? I've been where you are. I remember it well xx

Sorry to bump this but wasn't sure to make a new thread or let people see the context.

I am doing a lot better, injury is healing well and the emortional rollercoaster of the first 2 months has slowed down. I am picking myself back up.

The only thing I wanted to ask others that have been through this is how do you deal with the anger you have for the person that went for your partner, I live in a small town and have decided to stay. I like it here, I like my job and the people I work with, I don't see why I should uproot myself because of some little teenage troll.

The problem I'm having is when I go out sometimes I think I see her and I feel really pissed off, thinking why did she go for someone that was engaged, why do people think that's okay?

Why do her friends think it's great that she can't get her own boyfriend and are all celebrating on facebook? (I don't look back there anymore but still remember the posts about how they all knew about it)

How do you stop caring, how do I get rid of this last bit of emotion towards this whole bloody situation? Anyone that been there got any advice or is this something that will just taper off?

Also, I know it is not just her, they are both to blame but I still feel pissed off at her, why go for someone in a long term relationship.

Because sausage some girls (and some women) really don’t give a shit about the other person involved. Sad but true

Sausage. I never really got over it, similar circumstances. Eventually I relocated because seeing her added to my heartbreak. She knew we were married 3 years, trying for a baby and had just bought our first house. I only healed when I no longer had to see either of them. She cheated on him after two months so he has had to live with the regret too.

Good luck. Live your life

Why NOT go for someone in a relationship?
She didn't know you and owed you nothing at all.
Your deceitful, cheating Ex is the one who did the dirty on you.
Not her.
He could have chosen to be faithful to you and not get involved with her.
But HE didn't.
HE chose to pursue it.

I felt the same about my Ex.
It took a while but the woman did me a huge favour.
Not even 2 years later and she still has no idea she wasn't the only OW.
She still has no idea he's cheating on her now!
I will just sit back and watch the nightmare unfold in about 3-6 months when he's bored of her and moving on to the next one.

SHE did you a favour. You need to try and see it like that.
If it hadn't been her then it would have been someone else.

I'm glad you are staying put.
But direct your FULL anger towards the right person.... HIM!!!!!

Thanks @howsoon and @yetmorecrap Yeah I suppose it fades but never really goes. She is at uni now in a city a few hours away so I thought I'd feel better, I do a bit, I'm out and about more and thinking more about the future but still keeping getting these feelings of anger about it sometimes which shocks me.

Yeah true @hellsbellsmelons, I was thinking that at first, just the last couple of weeks I felt like this. I know you're right and my head says that, suppose I just have to keep repeating it and get on with it.

Thank you.