Is he having a mid-life crisis or some kind of breakdown?

[sausagelegs101]

I just want to connect with others and get some other views as I'm so upset about what has just happened with my partner of 7 years.

Our relationship has been really good, great friends and really attracted to each other, able to talk about everything, able to give each other space and trusted each other. I thought we had it great. I've got so many amazing memories with him.

Well I am devastated because I have just been off work recovering from surgery for a few months, pretty rough going.

Getting through it though and recovered really well. Into the third month of me recovering he starts to act a bit off, not sitting close to me, looking really excited when he gets a text (the way you do when you're flirting maybe) Not paying much attention to me and always on his phone.

Well I didn't think too much of it at first, I thought he was going out and letting his hair down as it been stressful few months and he deserved some fun. I think it must have set something off because I started having nightmares that he was with other women. Thought it was odd.

Then he started dressing differently, not sure how to explain, bit younger than his years? He's not one to buy new clothes much and he started buying new clothes every few days.
Asking how he looked. I thought ok, nice that he's treating himself. He then starts going out drinking a lot even when he has work at 6am and not telling me where he is.

One day this all came to a head when I was talking to him about a hospital appointment and he couldn't keep off his phone and smiling at whatever was on there, not answering me so I got angry and said stop pushing me away and he exploded and said 'I'm leaving, I've had enough of being with you, I'm finding a house share.'

I was really upset and we had a really horrible few weeks where he was out all day and all night and blowing hot and cold with me and changing his mind.

I feel like in the space of a couple of weeks he has turned into a different person completely. He started going out with 20 year olds from work drinking, dressing differently, and now I find out that it was because of some teenager he met.

He said 'she turned his head' and he wants to 'try it out' with her. He's moving into a shared house up the road and is starting a relationship with her (she lives with her parents!) he says he doesn't even know if it will last but he wants to try it out.

I'm so bloody confused, I feel like in a matter of weeks he's completely changed. I keep wondering if he's having some kind of meltdown? He's throwing 7 years and a home and financial security away for what? 'to test out a teenage life'?!

I've tried to reason with him and ask if it was anything to do with me being not able to be there for him the last few months. I told him what he meant to me and that he can talk to me about anything he's worried about.

I asked him what kind of girl he thinks he's getting involved with that won't wait for a clean break and messes about with an engaged man of 38? (Not just blaming her, I did say he was just as bad)

Pretty much just the same answers every time 'I like talking to her' I like being with her more than you' and stuff like that, he says he only has 'familiarity' with me. But everything was fin a few weeks ago?

He's booked holidays and trips with me just a month ago? He hasn't even told anyone what he's doing, friends family etc to get anyone elses' perspective.

Anyone been through anything similar with any thoughts or advice as to what is going on?

He was sleeping more. Didn't notice any irritability. Main things were drinking more but I think that might be just out with her and his young friends than anything more. I think he did he has been depressed when he was in his 20's.

It's how they work. They 'compartmentalise'. So they can be nice and loving and sweet to you - and then go off and be nice and sweet and loving to her. Because only the person in front of them counts for anything. And then the person they are having the affair with is always sweet and shaves her legs and wears perfume and laughs at his jokes (of course she does, it's a fantasy!) and you can't be bothered with your appearance and you shout at him and get him to pick his skiddy pants off the floor and wash up and put the bins out and go shopping and...

They leave because they are bored, pure and simple. Because they haven't grown up and realised that real life isn't all smooth legs and giggles and making them feel the centre of the universe. He'll learn. But you'll be long gone.

In three months' time you'll be feeling better both physically and emotionally, she'll be banging some fit rower young enough to be his son, and he'll still be a selfish narcissistic twat.

Okay, the message is sinking in that there's not really much to understand. Just bloody shit after one big life change this year and it's nice to hear other people that have got through similar situations as I keep feeling lost. I keep thinking shall I pack up and move to another place (not many connections here and too many memories) or stay and just get on with it. Got a cousin in Canada that has invited me there, don't want to do anything when I'm swinging from different emotions though.

Thanks @Zaphosotherhead Okay that helps me understand it a bit more. Ugh selfish. I couldn't keep a straight face doing that. So he just doesn't really want to grow up does he.

It's not nice, but may help your understanding to know that there are a couple of research studies showing that marriages are more likely to end in divorce when the woman has long-term illness than when the man is ill.

time.com/83486/divorce-is-more-likely-if-the-wife-not-the-husband-gets-sick/

These days there may be more men who do an equal share of housework but not all of them - and this seems to be another area where unreconstructed or unexamined attitudes emerge.

It was temporary though and he knew it.

Thanks for the link I'll have a read :)

Ugh I know it's not healthy to say but I keep getting so angry I want to punch the little goblin that is walking round with him. I was really devastated now I feel plain angry.

This happened to me in almost the exact same way, minus the illness. We had been married for 4 year, together for 8. He moved into a shared house, and the thing with the 21 year old lasted about a month. He now goes out partying almost every night, dresses like some 24 year old (he looks ridiculous) and has no responsibilities, and says he's happy. He's 38.

We are in the last stages of the divorce (separated almost 2 years) and I am still struggling emotionally at times. This said, I learned really very quickly that 'trying to analyse/ understand/explain/excuse' wouldn't get me anywhere. It will only drive you crazy. Don't let yourself get blamed for it; mine did the same. He blamed me for everything was wasn't going right in his life, but she understood him so much better, was always nice, well dressed with makeup etc.

Anger is fine; don't apologise for it. It can be a good driving force. Be angry at him though, not her.

Mine remains until today that he still loves me, would like to spend time with me as friends etc. He didn't even want to tell people as he thought in public we could just carry on before. I had to do all the telling. He has compartmentalise everything so much that there is no point in talking to him now.

I still miss the person I know he can be (and I am brutally honest with myself I still love him) but I am slowly rebuilding my life, and I know you can do it too.

Sorry about the essay; just thought I'd give you my story. Focus on yourself and look after yourself, and let him do the same.

Anger is good, OP. Use it to make the changes in your life and the fresh start that you want. Anger means you won't get sucked back in when he comes back with his tail between his legs.

No not an essay @FolkGirl, it's really good to hear other's stories. How they deal with it and it does get better because the last few days I've been so alone and I felt so empty. Not that I want it to happen to anyone else but it's nice to feel less alone and that other people have got through it all. I've never been through a break up after a relationship that long and it's been really painful, as if someone I knew has died. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I do feel like that.

Yeah anger feels better than sobbing, at least it motivates you a bit.

Thanks :)

"Try it out" is possibly one of the most revolting phrases I have ever heard a man use. Ugh

Yeah I know. Not who I thought he was. Hard to get head around it.

It feels like he has died though, doesn't it? Not dramatic at all; it was the same for me, also my first long term (well, marriage) breakup. It's like a bereavement. Some say even worse as the person you are grieving for is still alive.

Mine used the lovely phrase "I have a foot in both camps" when I asked him who he wanted.

Then Folk I hope you replied 'you've got three inches, and you're not putting it back in my camp!'

Oh wow what a thing to say! Ugh.

@Zaphodsotherhead
You really explained it all so well, the compartmentalization, etc.

They're immature twats about as deep as a puddle.

@sausagelegs101
Maybe moving would be a good idea once your emotions are feeling better. Brand new start.

I live about 880m from the twat and I'll be moving soon. :)

Hi,

this sounds very similar to something happening to me atm and my advice to you as hard as it is is to leave. When people are put under pressure it really shows the type of person they are. I had a horrible illness strike my family and my OH at the time was there for me but when things started getting tougher he couldnt take it. He started drinking, taking cocaine daily and sleeping with a girl at his work who he is in a relationship with now. Everyone said it was out of character but you have to think about yourself first. I didnt leave immediately but I wish I had. You may be in denial like I was for a bit but youre not being treated right and the negative energy will consume your life. Let him and the baggage go, and enjoy and live your life.

None of this is your fault. You have seen his true character, so this is your opportunity to sort out your health issues and start a new life. If you can afford it, go and do your visit abroad. Keep all your energy and effort before yourself for now and for the future.

'She's off to uni in Sept!'

This will implode very soon. Get rid of him as quickly as you possibly can. He's a creepy fool. Off he must go to his houseshare.

I know this hurts but you are dodging a massive, massive bullet. Be strong. This cretin will come crawling back to you - what he is doing is totally unfeasible. Look forward to the day the penny drops for him.

Obviously this in the end of the relationship, and that is very sad, but it' happens unfortunately.

Not all relationships start with two single people, and not everyone does the right thing when they want to end things and move on.

I find it curious that loads is being made of the insanity of a 38 year old man being with a 19 year old girl. Lot's of 19 year old women are very mature, and 38 isn't that old! certainly not too old have things in common with a 19year old.

Whilst not condoning cheating , it's a shitty thing to do, I might not be helpful to think of this behaviour as being ridiculous, as that might lead to thoughts that he will ' come to his senses' .

He might be in full control of his senses, and even when this relationship ends he might still have the life he feels he wants to lead.

I would concentrate on moving on, getting well, and reflecting on what makes you happy in the future

Happening to me too, if there are no kids involved you are well out of it.

Well I hope 'he comes to his senses' that it was wrong to cheat and lie to me when I was at my most vulnerable. He doesn't seem sorry at all. I think it's ridiculous behaviour because he's throwing everything away to live in a poky room with a flat full of stuff for someone he barely knows that's off to uni in 2 months, I do think that is ridiculous.

Sweetie, I'm sorry, but the relationship is over. Don't sit waiting for him to come to his senses. He's ended the relationship. That's it. 💐

find it curious that loads is being made of the insanity of a 38 year old man being with a 19 year old girl. Lot's of 19 year old women are very mature, and 38 isn't that old! certainly not too old have things in common with a 19year old.

The only ones that think this is normal are the delusional old men.
There are no mature 19 year old girls. That's some crap old men say to these girls to butter them up to get them to drop their panties.

Why on earth would a 19 year old girl want to date some guy old enough to be her dad with ex wife and kids when she can date much hotter and more virile guys around her own age. He probably buying her gifts and taking her to fancy dinners.

It seems ridiculous if you value what you had like you do/did. It seems increasingly that he didn't.
You will come out the other side of this and you will be happy again. That's a fact.