I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

[Maxisaretooshort]

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like he already destroyed it, well and truly. You need to leave this relationship before it destroys you. His behaviour is appalling. It wasn’t right to slap him but hopefully it’s a wake up call that it’s time to call it a day. I’m sorry.

What even are you getting out of staying in this relationship? It seems as though he just does whatever he wants.

They all say they'll have the kids 50% of the time but that will soon stop once he realises he wont be out having sexy fun with "fun sexy women" when he has a 4 year old to look after. Just let him go, and dont take him back when he quickly realises he has to do all his own washing now youre not doing it.

He’s awful. Why would you want anything to do with him?

He has destroyed your marriage and he is trying to destroy your mental health. Get legal advice, get him out, move on. No judge will give a cheating irresponsible alcoholic who self medicates 50% custody. He's s joke and trying to drag you down to his level so he is less culpable in the family break up. When he goes low, you go high. Move on with out him, he's draining you.

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

From what you've written, it reads like his alcoholism, infidelity, and general behaviour are strong contributors to the relationship breakdown. The courts are unlikely to consider him a fit joint-custodian for your DS.

You need to speak to Women's Aid or similar and start the process for a formal separation. And to learn how to obtain support for yourself to deal with this set of circumstances.

He’s pushed you beyond the edge. He’s disgusting. Where is he when he’s staying out until 5.30am? Why are you putting up with that? Nobody would tolerate that. How’s he holding down a job? How’s he making you feel part of a family. He’s had an affair and now he’s behaving like this!!?? He is disrespectful and rude and arrogant. You and your son deserve better than this. Get rid of him. Yeah he can threaten 50%. What an utter arsehole. He will be getting up to do school runs then? Cut him off. Get your mental health better and find somebody who treats you right. I can’t belueve you’ve been putting up with this behaviour. He’s probably out shagging other women you know. Where else is he until that time? Tesco’s? Don’t think so. He’s worthless. Dump dump dump

I don't condone violence but can 100% say i would have probably slapped him way before this point!! He's been a complete arsehole to you and your son and you're better off without him. Tell him to fuck off to his fun and sexy other woman.

He is the one who should be deeply ashamed.

He is the one who is destroying your lives.

Run. Get out. He's a really creepy man. He had an affair. He taunts you about it. He's still going out all night.

He's a pig. You're worth so much more than him. Shake him off you.

Just because he has depression doesn’t give him any right to treat you in such a despicable way. you absolutely must get rid of him for your own sanity, and also for the happiness of your child as he continues to grow and pick up on things.
Would you be financially ok to leave/have him leave?

He's nasty and abusive and you should have left years ago.

As I always advise in these situations, totally call his bluff.
Wow DH, I actually get to do what I want 50% of the time. Marvellous. I can go out and get to the gym and go to a club I've always wanted to. I can have every other weekend off to do as I want. I can't wait. I'll get the paperwork started.
He will back track so fast. They always do.

And no way would a court allow 50% custody with an alcoholic!
Get to a solicitor asap and get your 'ducks in a row'

And if he threatens for custody, tell the truth about his behaviour. Drunken, absent parent. Untrustworthy and unpleasant.

You didn't destroy anything. Your DH destroyed your marriage starting some years ago, Maxisaretooshort.

My DM is a devout Christian, very serious about it but non judgemental. She says that while she was brought up to think that marriage vows are lifelong, without exceptions, over the years she has come to believe that, if one spouse relentlessly breaks their vows, the innocent party has every right to move on. She has very high standards and I trust her judgment. I mention this because (although religion may mean nothing to you) you may find it reassuring if plagued by feelings of guilt over the end of your marriage. You didn't break up the home. He did.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If your not so 'D'H tries to put this on you, stand your ground and tell him it's over.

I'd apologize immediately and fully for the violence. You were wrong and need to get it out of the way. Then move on in short order to his behaviour and its effect on you.

Of course you're "boring". I imagine your sex drive shriveled up in response to his treatment of you. Strange that... Not being a red hot lover when your DH is an adulterous alcoholic.

It's sad that it's come to this point, but it seems inevitable.

So he's a nasty, cheating, lying, alcoholic but somehow you feel guilty and the situation is your fault? It really isn't. Your violence towards him was ill advised, but maybe take that as the sign that you need to get out now before it escalates further. Also if there is any way you can prove his substance abuse you may be able to get him to have supervised visitation and no overnights, certainly worth a shot. Please get out, don't let this man and his appalling behaviour be what your son models his behaviour on as he grows up

I cannot understand just what it is that you think you've destroyed.

He's an arsehole. It's a real shame you eroded your moral high ground but the eventual outcome is the same - it's over and you're doing the best for DC by ending it.

I would be very honest with the court if he tries to get 50/50 custody.

Good God. What a truly awful, unpleasant, vile man. Why haven't you chucked him out long ago? Please please have some self respect. Go and see a Solicitor asap and get a divorce in motion. Chuck him out. End of.

He provoked you. Deliberately. He is setting it up for you to end it while he does not have the guts and behaves however it suits him. ADs and alcohol are not a good mix and you cannot stop his destructive behaviour.

You haven't destroyed anything, he's destroyed everything by the sounds of it. What a wanker.

No, slapping him wasn't right though no less than he deserved but the provocation was extreme. What a profoundly nasty comment about the impact on your and his child. Never mind all the other dreadful behaviour.

Get him out, if possible. If he tries to use this incident against you, be honest about it but also about all the behaviour leading up.

He sounds quite nasty and vindictive - and that's without the booze!

Where are you now? And your DS? Are you safe?

You scratching him while is the wrong hing, he has behaved appallingly.

Next time he stays out, tell him to pack a back and fuck off.

See a good solicitor.

There was nothing left to destroy.

'Depression' is no excuse for staying out all night, having affairs and excess drinking. In fact, it often causes the opposite reaction, a lack of ability to go out socialising and shagging. Is he really depressed? Or just pretending to be, because it keeps you quiet and blaming his 'illness' for his shitty behaviour?

Depression is not an excuse to behave like an arsehole.

DS is at school, I’m at work.

Financially I am fine, I oay for everything as his depression coupled with night out been he is self employed and only just starting to make money. He is probably unemployable

I’m still shaking with anger

Do you have somewhere to go for tonight? Has he made contact with you in any way? Can you go home and pack some things?