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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

138 replies

Maxisaretooshort · 27/06/2018 11:09

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Frosty66612 · 27/06/2018 12:59

Just don’t reply with anything where you admit that you did scratch him as he could use It as evidence against you.

totalcontrol · 27/06/2018 13:00

Do NOT reply to his text.It's a trap!

Raindancer411 · 27/06/2018 13:01

Well I personally don't think he will have any custody over his little one if that is how he is. He isn't fit to be a parent and have him on his own.

DiegoMadonna · 27/06/2018 13:02

He's really done a number on you OP. How is any of this your fault?? He's destroyed the relationship, not you! You'll be much better off without him.

Bibesia · 27/06/2018 13:03

You didn't destroy anything, he did that.

Please phone Women's Aid now - 0808 2000 247 - and start sorting out the rest of your own and your son's lives without this idiot.

cholka · 27/06/2018 13:04

This is a bad scene. It's not going to get any better if you stick around. Life can be better than this! Leave him.

bigKiteFlying · 27/06/2018 13:08

Just don’t reply with anything where you admit that you did scratch him as he could use It as evidence against you

This ^^. I would seek proper legal advice as soon a possible.

Fannybaws52 · 27/06/2018 13:09

I'm another chiming in with do not acknowledge his text. It's a trap to get you to admit you attacked him. He can have you arrested and this will come out in his favour later on with custody arrangements.

You were absolutely provoked and deliberately. Pretend it didn't happen. Get to a solicitor ASAP and clear half of all funds from the joint and savings accounts. He has planned this. You need to go into damage control mode to protect yourself and the kids. Mourn the relationship later. Be strong! He is your enemy now.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2018 13:11

Look, he does not want 50/50. Or basically anything. It's like bullshit bingo. They ALL say it. Not because they want 'custody' - but because they want to hurt and frighten you.

Come on. You HONESTLY think a bloke who likes to disappear for a day at a time, is not the slightest bit interested in family life or taking care of his son would want to suddenly volunteer to have 50% responsibility for his care? No.

I have seen this on more threads than you care to name. The worse, the more disinterested and selfish the 'father' is, the quicker they say it.

Nothing in fact could horrify them more than the prospect of having to step up and be there and do all the shitwork 50% of the time.

Add to that the idea of the mother using that time to relax, go out, be independent and it's like lighting a touch paper.

My advice on here is always the same to the pricks who say this. Oh yes! 50%? Fab. Time you pulled your weight, and it will be great for the DC. And I can have MY nights out at last! Thanks, ex! Great to know that you aren't going to weasel out on your responsibilities!

Hold your hat while they do the fastest 180 turn you will ever see.

'No way am I looking after the kid three times a week so that you can fucking go out and get pissed! Fuck you!' etc.

It
Always
Works.

and it puts an instant stop to that avenue of abuse and control - you agree with everything, or I'll take the kids.

Butterymuffin · 27/06/2018 13:12

Agreed, don't respond to the text. Get him out of the house asap and get a solicitor.

abbsisspartacus · 27/06/2018 13:15

Text back your drunk again sleep it off

totalcontrol · 27/06/2018 13:18

He might not want the responsibility himself but might drop him with his mum, to hurt you!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 13:19

I like what Fizzy said in the initial paragraph. However I would leave the split/childcare stuff. He’s an alcoholic and not fit to have your child.

Please stop with the guilt. He’s abusing you and his plan in his addled brain may be to go for full custody. He may even have started seeing this woman again or someone else and have a substitute “mother” lined up.

Every moment you are feeling guilty for finally losing control is a moment you are not fighting for your mental health and your child and his mental health.

You should not have hit him. You were goaded beyond a reasonable point. I imagine this is just what he’s been looking for. Don’t play into his hands further. Get some legal advice fast.

MissMarplesKnitting · 27/06/2018 13:19

Have my first ever LTB.

He's a waster. You are wasting your time and energy on a total cockwomble.

Get rid. Go home, pack his stuff, change the locks, gather every shread of evidence and lose about 13 stone of man baggage.

totalcontrol · 27/06/2018 13:21

Is the house owned or rented- whose name is it in?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 13:21

I’ve just seen a few more posts. Yes, actually I agree. Ignore the text. Respond when you have had legal counsel.

Juells · 27/06/2018 13:25

Haven't RTFT, but just wanted to say that you haven't destroyed anything, he has.

There's nothing for you in this relationship. Stays out all night? On his own? My arse.

PieAndPumpkins · 27/06/2018 13:26

I believe coaxing a partner into retaliation, even physical, is a form of abuse in itself. Can you leave work early? I wouldn't want him around you or your child any time soon. Get advise now, before your child comes out of school.

Original poster

Maxisaretooshort · 27/06/2018 13:28

House is in joint names, although I pay for it all

It wasnt the fact that I would be handing DS over half the time that made me lose it, it was the spiteful smirky way he said it that made it sound he was happy about DS hurt about the situation

I think the reason I have let this situation continue is because he does the school runs, I have to be at work at 7.45. I will have to speak to my directors and see what I can arrange, DS refuses to go to breakfast club

Thank you for all your comments, I know I completely reacted badly and I think that is why I’m still so shaky

OP posts:

watchingwithinterest · 27/06/2018 13:29

He destroyed your relationship op. How you have lived like this I have no idea. He needs to leave immediately so that you don't lose your composure again, every time you do, you sink to his level (hence the satisfaction)

Gather your wits and stay calm. Stop shaking and stop being annoyed with yourself. It will be fine. Your ds will be fine. You will be a whole lot better when he is out on his arse.

Get some good legal advice and change the locks.

NotTakenUsername · 27/06/2018 13:29

“Deny deny deny.”

What terrible advice. Are you to stand in a court and deny it happened? If you deny it you will make yourself an liar as well as physically abusive.

I cannot read three pages without at least being the sole voice saying provocation is never an excuse for violence. Not for a man. Not for a woman.

My advice would be to get off Mumsnet. Seek legal advice and speak to women’s aid. Do not acknowledge him, do not apologise, do not deny. Do not engage. No one here has the advice you need.

LIZS · 27/06/2018 13:30

Start afresh and tell ds he has to go to breakfast club. He is probably older than when he refused and knew his father was an option. Detach all dependency on him as quickly as you can.

JuneAndDecember · 27/06/2018 13:32

There’s a lot of conflicting advice on here but everyone is in agreement that you and your son cannot continue living with this man.

It is important not to make hasty decisions while you are feeling very emotional. You need to get professional legal advice immediately to make sure that you stay in control of the situation. I would leave work for lunch and call Women’s Aid right now. Make sure that you do not give him any ammunition against you so definitely do not reply to his text.

This will all be very upsetting for your son but keep the bigger picture in mind and remember that you are being an excellent mum by prioritising his needs in the future. Keep a calm head, take a deep breath before saying anything as just that extra moment will give you time to think.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I hope that you are able to get the best professional advice today.

greendale17 · 27/06/2018 13:32

Do not acknowledge or admit the scratch via text--he may use it against you. Deny deny deny.

The hypocrisy on this thread is unbelievable. So basically it’s okay she hit her partner because she was provoked????

Wouldn’t be saying this if this was a man hitting his wife.

GardenGeek · 27/06/2018 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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