I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

[Maxisaretooshort]

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

Well he’ll soon get a shock when he realises he absolutely will NOT get 50% custody of his son, and he’ll no longer have you paying for everything and supporting him.
No doubt he’ll then try and emotionally manipulate the shit out of you by begging for another chance and promising to change. He’s a vile bully!

He has sent me a photo of his scratched arm saying “you are sick”. Thats all

Your relationship had already reached terminal breakdown point. Just walk away now with your dignity. Yes you snapped and that was not OK, it is a symptom of how toxic the situation is.

Use your anger to give you momentum to get out. Sort out the finances and either leave or get him to leave.

Speaking as a long term sober alcoholic and a chronic depressive, neither of these things are an excuse for your DH's behaviour. He's behaving like a drinking alcoholic, probably because he is one, or well on the way to becoming one. You don't have to put up with this and it's bad for him if you do. He needs to suffer the effects of his drinking, so no more covering up.

If I were you I would use this as a turning point. You need to get out before you are the 'crazy woman' he's trying to paint you as.

Get out of that relationship now, he's a cheat, he's disrespectful and doesn't deserve a family let alone you.

Make a life for yourself and your son and leave him to destroy his.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.

It doesn't look like there's any way forward for this relationship.

Leave, take your son, start a new life on your own.

Are you married? If not, is his name on your son's birth certificate?

Excuse yourself from work, tell them you are ill if you don't want to share the reason, pack some things. Collect your DS from school and go somewhere - a friends, parents, hotel. Even in he cold light of day, his message sounds menacing and like this will most certainly not blow over. You and your DS need some space to breathe.

His behaviour has been appalling. Obviously though you can't minimise what you did, there is no excuse for physical violence. That said, it has happened, all you can do it make sure it doesn't happen again. You have to leave now. I can't see any way the two of you can continue in this relationship without it being a complete disaster. For everyones sake I hope you can leave and put this behind you.

Do not acknowledge or admit the scratch via text--he may use it against you. Deny deny deny.
who owns/rents the house?

get all your documents in order and separate any joint accounts--let him fund himself
If he wants 50:50 with your son he is going to have to be able to fund it and also it would put the skids on his drinking--l think that is an empty threat.

You were provoked into making a massive tactical error. I'm not going to defend you scratching him, but given the context, and that you have never done anything like this before, I think you can forgive yourself.

He, however, has been abusing you for years, from the sound of it. Your child is beginning to notice his absences, and will certainly have heard the arguments. The atmosphere in your home sounds toxic.

Time to clean house. Go home. Pack some stuff for him, and leave it outside. Get your child from school, then message your husband saying that he is leaving, and can come and pick his stuff up, and drop off his keys. Do not let him in. Put keys in all the locks, so he can't use his from the other side. If he kicks off, call the police. They will make him go if he causes a scene. Let's hope he's stupid enough to turn up drunk!

Call a solicitor. You may also need to call the bank, if he has access to any of your money.

And as PP have said, no court is going to award 50/50 custody to an alcoholic who disappears on binges whenever he feels like it!

Text back:

'If your treatment of me is from now on going to necessitate my defending myself physically then I agree with what you said last night - our relationship is over. I feel nothing but relief. You need to find somewhere else to stay as I do not feel safe with you in the house.

Your comments last night were bizarre. I cannot believe that you tried to use '50/50 custody of DS' as a comment to hurt me. That just goes to show how awful you are. Your first thoughts aren't of DS himself, and how we will have to organise his time now in his best interests, but how you would use him as some sort of pawn.

Just to be 100% clear: yes I will absolutely expect you to have DS 50% of the time. I will expect you to now show the commitment to his welfare and care that you have failed to do so far, with your selfish attitude, your staying out all night, putting yourself first. Yes you will have him 50% of the time and you will spend that time taking your share of his care, his school runs, feeding and bathing him and perhaps making up for all those times that he has seen you not be there, not be contactable, not giving a shiny shit. Perhaps you will be able to rebuild your relationship with him a bit, I very much hope so as having a good Dad figure in his life is essential.

And when you do that 50%, I will at last be able to take time for me, just a LITTLE bit of time for me in the way you've helped yourself to more 'me time' than I can possibly imagine, for years.

I will have a bag packed for you. Thank you for sending me the photo of your scratched arm, I am sure you will agree that if proof is needed that you need to be elsewhere 'for your own safety' then that is it. Of course I suppose you too have the right to stay in the house with DS while contact is sorted: let me know if you want to do that, and I can organise some 'me time' away while you perhaps get to grips with having to be on the ball for each and every school run, bathtime, packed lunch, trip, shopping and cooking and cleaning. It will be good practice for your 50/50.'

He will shit himself.

You will very quickly start hearing 'No way am I doing 50/50 so that you can sit on your arse/go out shagging' etc.

He will want to forget this, so push forward with packing a bag and getting him out right now.

You're entitled to be angry, sweetie. This is a situation that's become impossible for you to live with, and you've reached the end of your tether. I can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest that you think really carefully about what YOU want, and what YOU and your son NEED. Forget this man's wants. He's quite prepared to put himself first, so you don't need to worry about him at all. You do what's right for you, ask for help first of all. Don't try to handle this alone. Speak to a friend, or a family member, anyone who will be supportive and help you keep a cool head in a very heated situation. He's been quite clear that he has no intention of behaving like an adult. You focus on you and your little boy.

It was wrong to get physical as you well know, but this man is a waste of space.

This is a time when I'm glad you aren't married to him. You can split up without all the legal stuff.

A man who drinks that much, stays out and had an 8 month affair doesn't love or respect you. I don't know why you've put up with him for so long.

On top of that he's not employable...there is nothing to be gained by being with him. He's a poor excuse for a dad.

Do not respond to his text! He’s trying to get a response so he can use it as evidence. You were very wrong in your response to his verbal attack and, no doubt, someone will start with the ‘if OP was a man bla bla bla’, however I think you were really at the end of your tether. You need to get out of this relationship before he destroys you.

Don't say he can have your son for 50% of the time as a PP recommended!

OP, this is the BEST thing now. You have woken up and seen what he is truly like. He's a fucking disgrace and you are well rid of him.

Get him out of the house as soon as you can.

Just seen that you aren't married - thank god for that. He has no rights to anything of yours now.

The relationship sounds toxic and seems unsalvagable. Your response to his comments was understandable tbh. He seems like both a loser and a tosser, quite a combination!

I'd reply to the message saying I'm not sick but I'm done with you.
Your a bad example of how a grown man and father should behave and I've had enough of it.
You are responsible for your own behaviour and stop blaming it on everyone else.

Pack up your stuff you have until 5pm to vacate the house or I will call the police and ask you be removed for threatening behaviour.

Financially you are ok you say so he's bringing nothing to the relationship at all.
Let him see how he managed with his sordid affair when it's reality and he has to financially support himself

Sending you that photo rings alarm bells.
GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!!
He is technically now a DV victim. He might try and get an injunction against you coming near him or your DS

He fucking deserved it. You were restrained in the face of extreme provocation. Fuck him. He wont get 50%. Every other weekend is standard

Honestly? Yes, you fucked up, but it's done now.

Throw the smug fucker out the house today. Do not let him back in. Change the locks. End the relationship now.

Wow! If there’s anyone who should be embarrassed and ashamed it’s him! He pushed you beyond the limit, no wonder you exploded... I’d have done far worse to him.

I think you should send ‘fizzygreenwater’s’ text

You slapped him out of anger and whilst I don't condone any sort of violence, I understand why you did what you did.

Get rid him, from what you have said he is a total waster. Put his crap in bags, throw them out the front door and get your locks changed. Call him and let him know when to collect his stuff and I'd suggest going through a third party for supervision if he decides he wants to see his DS.

The other posters are right you are way better off without him. This situation is only causing you upset and anguish.

Give yourself a break and let him go. Nothing is ruined here as he did that a long time ago when having the affair. The fact he brought that up again during an argument is absolutely disgusting and is a form of psychological abuse.

I hope you get sorted xo

Oh, I don't blame you. I understand your you got to this point. But yes, protect yourself now and your son.

Get rid of him, he's going to continue to push you. Let him paint you as whatever he likes, use this as YOUR excuse to end this dreadful relationship.