I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

[Maxisaretooshort]

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

The day I found out about the affair, he took OW to our friends wedding! He threw away my namecard and she sat in my place, introducing her to our friends!

I don't know how you got back with him after this.

He's a useless man and a pathetic dad.

He is just horrendous. Going away for days st a time. Lying that his dad had cancer.

Such nasty lies and you took him back. That was a big mistake which I'm sure you regret now.

Cheating is bad...but he added such a nasty lie with it. I suspect you've covered for him. Did his dad know he lied about him having cancer to be screwing around.

He's a disgusting excuse for a human.

My DF had cancer...I just can't imagine lying about something like that.

This is what happens when you wait around for someone to be different, you become different. Time to let go of the millstone.

I am not surprised you lost your rag with him. You have come to the end of your tether. It wasn't right, but I understand it. I have no advice but . Take care.

Classic MN double standards here, he's a waste of space and you're well rid of him but any person on the end if a physical attack from their partner is a victim of DV. If a woman came on here said she'd said some horribly goading things to a partner (male or female) who then did something to cause a bruise or scratch they would never be told that they deserved it or that they weren't a victim.

It sounds as though the relationship was over long before this incident, all you can do now is move on as best you can. Make appropriate custody arrangements for your ds and build yourselves a better life.

Hi Maxisaretooshort - we can see there's a huge outpouring of support and sympathy for your situation here and we're always heartened by that but do seek rl help too as nothing compares to that.

We hope things look a lot brighter for you soon OP.

So what did your friends who'd known you for 13 years say about the ow at the wedding? I mean that's a highly unusual situation isn't it. And ow must have been a bit weird to go to the wedding with him too.

How are you doing OP?

Classic MN double standards here, he's a waste of space and you're well rid of him but any person on the end if a physical attack from their partner is a victim of DV

He isn't a victim! She is!
It's not double standards, I would say the exact same to a man going through the same. There is only so much torture a person can go through before they snap.

He wanted that to happen. He is absolutely No victim!

OW was a lot younger- he was 37 and she was 25. She was immature and loved the wedding and attention they got- they even walked in late to the wedding for maximum impact. My friends didnt tell me at the time (were going to tell me the next day as didnt want to cause a scene at the wedding) but I already knew. He changed his whataspp picture to a picture of the 2 of them at the wedding wity the comment “the most beautiful girl in the world”. I thought we had just split up, I didnt know there was an OW at that point

I hadnt seen him. He turned up last night at midnight and is sleeping in the spare room. We have not spoken other than a call from him yesterday saying he was on his way to see DS but he didnt turn up

A violent act is a violent act. Choosing to stay in a poor relationship, with a man who pushes your buttons doesn’t absolve you. The scary thing is, not the manner in which he left but the fact you’d still be with this arsewipe if he hadn’t of.

You are not responsible for his shitty behaviour but you have to ask yourself, why did you accept it for so bloody long.

This woman isn’t getting the best of him, there isn’t a best of him to get. She will no doubt get the shitty version of him when she no longer serves her purpose which appears to be mainly centred around rubbing your nose in it.

This is a win.

Why would you stay with him OP if he’s posting photos of himself and this OW? I recommend you find a good counsellor for yourself to answe that. It must have destroyed your self esteem. Surely you have to see that’s not right. His behaviour has been extremely vile. Disgusting, rude, disrespectful...you can get out of this. You need rid of him

I’d also suggest counselling for you, to help you build up some resilience and power again, in order to make the break from this awful relationship, and, well, awful man.