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Original poster

I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

138 replies

Maxisaretooshort · 27/06/2018 11:09

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Dandeliontea123 · 27/06/2018 13:34

It looks like he wants custody only to spite you. He is playing dirty and this will continue. I would speak to relevant people at work and phone Women's Aid. Get your ducks in a row and he won't have a leg to stand on. Good luck.

Clubcuts · 27/06/2018 13:34

I'm sorry but are you human? With feelings?

Well I'm presuming the answer is yes? Right well get rid of him now! He's making you into a person that you're not!

You deserve a life away from him.

Topseyt · 27/06/2018 13:34

Without condoning violence towards another person, he had created a situation which was intolerable and he pushed and pushed you until you were beyond breaking point, so you exploded. We all have a flashpoint, and in extreme situations (as yours sounds) will behave out of character, as I guess you did.

I think he does sound as though he is an alcoholic. He is certainly a problem drinker.

I'm not sure that the advice to offer 50% shared custody is good. I think you should get proper legal advice first. An alcoholic who had an eight month affair and likes to regularly stay out all night is hardly someone suitable to offer shared care of a small child to.

Maelstrop · 27/06/2018 13:38

Sending you that photo rings alarm bells.GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!! He is technically now a DV victim. He might try and get an injunction against you coming near him or your DS

This, in spades!! Do not acknowledge that you scratched him, deny everything, say he did it when pissed, hes always pissed, how would he know. I'm telling you this as someone who's heard about dv incidents constantly. No texts, start sorting out how to get him out. Don't tolerate him any longer.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/06/2018 13:39

You've put the power in his hands because you were physically abusive. He knows this, that's why he sent you the text. DO NOT RESPOND TO THE TEXT.

I would take the afternoon off work and get an emergency appointment at a family solicitors. You need the right advice now and I don't think anyone here is qualified to give you it. You've put yourself in the wrong (I do 100% understand why) but you are in the wrong. He will use this against you, you have to get informed.

bigKiteFlying · 27/06/2018 13:40

I will have to speak to my directors and see what I can arrange, DS refuses to go to breakfast club

Are there local childminders with morning places? Or talk DS into retrying breakfast club - though hopefully work will be helpful.

Jaxhog · 27/06/2018 13:40

It's over. For your own health and that of your DS, you need to let go of this disgusting person. now. He is an alcoholic - he can't control his drinking. He is abusive - he stays out all night without telling you. He's disrespectful - he's had a long affair and implies it is YOUR fault.

I'm not surprised you exploded. He's making your life unbearable. Get rid of him. It will be hard, but it will be harder to stay with him. You and your DS deserve better.

Wallywobbles · 27/06/2018 13:40

Legally speaking. Do not admit to any violence.

NotTakenUsername · 27/06/2018 13:42

Do not acknowledge that you scratched him, deny everything, say he did it when pissed, hes always pissed, how would he know.

This is sick.

WeirdCatLady · 27/06/2018 13:48

Do not put anything in writing that could be used against you. Do not engage with him any further. Get rid of him. I’m afraid your ds doesn’t get to decide whether he will or won’t go to breakfast club if that is your only option. Good luck x

Topseyt · 27/06/2018 13:49

Yes, see what you can arrange at work, and get to a solicitor as soon as possible.

DS is 4. Why does he refuse breakfast club? You have to act in his best interests here, and with an arse for a father he may not have much choice. You choose suitable childcare arrangements, not your 4 year old. You can only pick the best and most workable options available to you. His feelings are considered as far as possible, but he cannot be allowed to dictate.

Get to a solicitor first and foremost. Take their advice. Give NO reply to the text before then.

BrexitWife · 27/06/2018 13:49

What wally said.
Do not admit to any violence at all.

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

Protect yourself and your ds.

Because just now you are dealing with a guy who is an alcoholic, depressive, and will now have a ‘reason’ to really have a go at you. Plan that he will play in the scratch in the arm as a good enough reason to say you are out of control/dangerous/shouldn’t be left alone with your ds etc...
Will he accept to leave the house?

FuckPants · 27/06/2018 13:50

He's a cunt but this

Do not acknowledge that you scratched him, deny everything, say he did it when pissed, hes always pissed, how would he know.

Is disgusting.

horrayforharoldlloyd · 27/06/2018 13:51

Do not acknowledge or admit the scratch via text. Do not agree to 50/50.

MissConductUS · 27/06/2018 13:53

He's either staying out all night because he's having another affair or because he has a binge drinking problem. Either is awful for your relationship and your DC.

Get out with a clear conscience. You've done nothing wrong.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/06/2018 13:55

I would deny knowing anything about the scratch too. Drunks often get injuries without knowing.

sludgie · 27/06/2018 13:58

You can't destroy scorched earth. I think you have woken up, rather than destroyed.

WellySocksBox · 27/06/2018 14:04

You mentioned DP - are you actually married?

SilverHairedCat · 27/06/2018 14:06

Your child does not get to have a say at this point. For everyone's safety and welfare he's going to have to go to the breakfast club.

Original poster
Maxisaretooshort · 27/06/2018 14:10

Not married, together for 15 years.

Breafast club wont take DS, he used to go to After school club but got so upset I had to remove him. He now has a childminder who picks him up 3 days a week, I think she could do drop offs fromSeptember so I just need to cover the next few weeks until he breaks up from school at the end of July

OP posts:
Godowneasy · 27/06/2018 14:26

A childminder from September for the early mornings sounds a good plan. As you say Maxi, it's only a few more weeks til the end of term, and will give you a chance to get everything organised for separating from your partner.

Have you got school holiday childcare covered though?

Original poster
Maxisaretooshort · 27/06/2018 14:30

Yes, got family and childminder. I have the school holidays all sussed “d”p was purely doing school drop offs.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 27/06/2018 14:34

You’ve destroyed nothing! Save your sanity and throw him out. He’s never going to be the man you want him to be.

The whole set up sounds toxic and dysfunctional you can do much better

crazymumofthree · 27/06/2018 14:37

Gosh he sounds vile tbh!! I am surprised you have stayed with him this long! It doesn't sound like he is giving anything towards the relationship and sounds like you would be much better off without him!

PositivelyPERF · 27/06/2018 14:37

Pay no heed to those who are going down the route of if this was a man. If they’re happy to give a bullying, cheating drunk ammunition to ruin their lives, that’s up to them. The slap was wrong, but you’ve put up with this arse hole behaviour for years. Something had to give.