I exploded- Ive destroyed everything

[Maxisaretooshort]

Name changed

I exploded this morning.

DP of 15 years and I have been having problems for months. We have a DS 4.

DP suffers from depression, is on ADs but self medicates by drinking. He drinks and stays out all night at least once a week, leaving me to have to do the school run or cancelling plans (such as anniversary meals, family days out)

I have tried to block his behaviour out, hoping it will get better. I have stopped wanting sex and we have not been intimate for 6 months.

He had an affair 2 years ago for 8 months

He doent answer the phone when he stays out all night. He lies about where he is

We had a talk on Sunday to try to sort it out. He promised to stop staying out, I said that if he treated me (our family) better I would want to be intimate but at the moment I am so angry all the time.

He stayed out all night last night, he thought it was ok as he wasnt drunk when he came in at 5.30. I ignored him as I wanted to try to get back to sleep for an hour. He put his arm over me and apparently I huffed.

He started getting angry, saying Im boring. That the woman he had the affair was fun and sexy, that our relationship was over. All I do is nag, blah blah blah. I told him I agree that its over, he is a terrible partner and setting a terrible example to DS. I pointed out DS asked where he was on Sunday morning when he wasnt there (again).

He responded that DS wil soon be asking where I am 50% of the time so he better get used to it. I exploded. I slapped him and scratched his arm. I saw red at his smug face and comment of how DS will be missing me.

I know it was wrong. I got straight up and left the house at 6.15. I’m so ashamed at myself. I don’t know what to do.

The situation is completely different than ‘if it was a man’.
Because has been emotionally abused for a long time. Her DP clearly went in the attack and pushed her once more. Emotionally pushed her but still pushed her.
And she reacted. As a lot of other victimes of abusive men, she reacted to his nth attack.

That’s not DV. That’s self defence.

Please don’t mix the two. Women who are abused dint become abusers themselves when they finally snap.

Don't listen to those who are saying it's disgusting to deny it, and if you were a man blah blah.

What he has been doing to you is vile! While I don't condone violence, that horrible man brought that on himself. I really do not care who would like to disagree with me on that one!

He did this and he destroyed YOU! He doesn't deserve sympathy from anyone for anything. Ignore anything he has to say from now on. Don't respond.

Get your ducks in a row and get rid. Let him be someone else's problem.

Please phone women's aid now. NOW. 08002000247.

I’m not condoning what I did but for someone to be pleased at pain their actions are going to bring to a 4 year old are disgusting

For years he has stayed out all night. He gets angry if I dare call him at
He has lied saying he is on his way home 2.3and then doesnt come back for 2 days

He has called me in the past and left a message saying he had been arrested- not true. That gave him 24 hours though to go out on the piss (where I thought he was locked up in a cell)

He lied and said his Dad had cancer so would need to spend every other weekend with him. Not true- he was with OW

I saw red. It wasnt acceptable and I’m ashamed of myself but he is not a victim.

My phone is playing up - sorry if my messages appear garbled.

The day I found out about the affair, he took OW to our friends wedding! He threw away my namecard and she sat in my place, introducing her to our friends!! The same day! After 13 years together!

He is not a victim!!

He is an emotional bully who has played me for too long

None of that matters* - you were violent. You need to clear your head and get advice about what to do next.

*It matters to me, I agree that you snapped under extreme provocation, etc etc, but you need to get your head on straight now because your husband is potentially down the police station reporting you for DV.

OP nobody on here can help you- even IF they have a legal qualification (unlikely) they don't know the ins and outs of your situation.Please get real life advice from a solicitor as soon as possible.Your partner sounds devious and you need to limit damage and protect yourself.

I think he i seeing another woman.

Do not acknowledge that you scratched him, deny everything, say he did it when pissed

Do not engage with him.Definitely do not lie because a human scratch looks like a human scratch.If you are caught in a lie it will cast doubt over everything you say

OP please contact WA and go and see a solicitor ASAP.
Take the afternoon off if you need to.

But you need support, emotionally and legally as soon as you can.

And yes, do not engage with him further.
Dint confirm (or deny) the scratch in his arm. Ignore all that until you e had some advice.

When you go back home tonight, will you be safe?
Can you tell him to get out if the house (and do you think he will do it)?

He is sounding worse and worse, OP.

Get legal advice now, and on the back of that make exit plans for you and your DS. If that means revisiting breakfast club or other childcare options then so be it.

He has made your life a living hell, isolated you and pushed you beyond the limits of endurance.

My ex was like this, disappearing for pissed up jollies days at a time, also physically abusive to me, best thing I ever done was leaving the wanker. You're life will improve once you've got this cocklodging piss head out of it.

Oh holy crap, I don't know why you didn't leave him years ago but please, for the love of God, leave him now! Get legal advice, get your ducks in line and get some control back over your life. He sounds like an absolute shitbag, cheating, lazy bastard.

The more you post the worse he sounds. I’m glad you aren’t listening to the posters saying sweeping the hit under the carpet is bad. No it’s not. You snapped after years of abuse.

Have you made plans to see a solicitor yet?

Another unrealistic idiot, it’s easy to be fun and sexy when you aren’t actually tied to a man child with no boundaries , wondering what they are up to, where they are etc , get rid OP

No one is saying that op behaviour isn’t understandable. But she should have left long before it got to this. Long before she raised her hand. Just as I would say to any man. There is no excuse for domestic violence.

There is no doubt op exdp is abusive, and a vile excuse for a human being. But suggesting to the op that she get caught in a lie, or even worse, gaslight this man... very stupid advice to give. That sort of knee jerk response shows the posters suggesting such a thing in a very bad light.

It is not in question that the op is the victim here. But denying the physical attack took place actually takes away from the moral high ground, rather than adding to it.

I would never allow a man to claim that a woman pushed him to hit her... I will maintain that stance here. Op could have walked away. But she saw red, and sadly gave him exactly what he wanted.

Op please don’t give him ammunition to label you a liar or manipulative, as well as physically abusive. Get your legal advice - I hope that a one time ‘snap’ will be understandable in your custody battle.

You may have exploded... but I don't think you destroyed anything. It was already destroyed by him drinking by what you have said. Good luck sorting it out OP

Fucking MRAs.

If you're not married, does exDP have any legal right to force access etc? I don't think so. You are in a stronger position than if you were actually married.

Admit to nothing.
Get shot of this horrible man.
Your life will be so much better.

This sounds dreadful and pretty well broken. I think bearing in mind what has happened, there is no going back and the die is cast for separation ?

Goading is a form of abuse.

Your dp knew he was in the wrong as he stayed out after agreeing not to but rather than admit this he riled you to get a reaction from you that he can now use against you.

Please ask for recommendations of a good solicitor and I mean a GOOD solicitor

I was in this situation - with someone well respected in his profession - his own guilt would have consumed him so he had to make me out to be the crazy ex wife. He goaded me on social media, stonewalled me, did everything he could to get a reaction. I lost it too - thumped him on the chest - next minute solicitors letters accusing me of violent behaviour and harrassment.

I was scared I was still reeling from breakdown of marriage but he wasn't going to go to police as didn't want to take it this far - was all bullshit except I didn't know this at the time - he played on me too - I should have gone to the police - but I didn't want to do this to kids DF

All the harrassment stuff came up in FH - x had a game plan long before he left - my sols told me they got this - they were fucking useless - they played on my emotional vulnerability too.

Do not feel guilty - you were goaded - a deliberate act to get a reaction from you that could then be used against you. He knows you - he knows this will play on your mind - but he is the one who is abusive. I expect your body reactions is telling You something that you have known for a long time that you need to get out of this relationship for good.

Please do not be hard on yourself - you have tolerated more than enough - hopefully you have spoken to women's aid

OP, you are well aware that you fucked up by hitting him, but what’s done is done, so you need to make smart moves from now on.

As others have said, he is technically a victim of DV, and he could report the assault to the police, who would have no option
but to take his complaint seriously.

You need proper, professional legal advice and you need it NOW.

Do not, under any circumstances communicate or engage with him in any way until you have taken legal advice.

Good luck.