15 years, 2 kids, she doesn't want me. What do I do now?

[OMGtwins]

As the title, together with my DW 15 years, civil partnership nearly 8, 2 kids in primary school, own house, only I work.

Tonight she told me she loves me as a best friend not a wife, there's no one else, it's been coming for years. She doesn't want to hurt me, but thinks she wants to be with a man.

Broken. Head spinning, can't sleep. Staying here in spare room tonight until tmrw morning to not upset kids.

What do I do now?

Good morning! Keep strong noble lady! The feminists, Lesbian mothers, plain mothers and fathers have a lot to learn from you... (my OW is a poor excuse of a woman who 'plays'the part of a feminist anti patriarchal Lesbian...i think it is just to desguise her poor successes with males otherwise how to explain how down she went to get my fool h to have an affair with her...in you i see the behavior of a real authentic human including an authentic feminist person ....You kids will turn just fine I am sure of it seeing how much thought and heart you put toward that ... ( I hope the OW raises her daughter in good principles despite her own appaling behavior. She is in a same sex relationship now) ...I wish you another day with bearable suffering and toward full healing.....

Wow seafour have a great weekend. Well done Twins. You really are coping so well.

Seafour, Sad, Kids, Fred, ty so much, it is emotional. Today has been hard because I am very tired. Cried on my boss when I arrived at work, then pulled myself together and did a 3/4 day, drove home and fell asleep! Feeling better now, will have an early night I hope, and feel less tired in the morning. Tiredness is a real trigger for me not feeling great, so I'll have to start watching my bedtime more than I have been doing recently.

Nearly the weekend. Just started divorcing my dh. He is using the kids as weapons and has totally alienated me. You should be really proud of yourself for dealing with it in such a dignified manner xxx

I'm nearly two years split Twins, and I got back from seeing my kids at the old family home where xh still lives last night and cried my heart out. I think part of me will always grieve the unit - the history - the what could have / should have been my life.

But you play the cards you are dealt so I went and had a bath and an early night and am feeling less delicate this morning.

fred my heart goes for you...I hope what I will say will not hurt you. If it does please accept my sincere apologies. I say it just to let you and twin know that I can undrstand the pain of having your family broken...a lady on Mumsnet convinced me to give another chance to my cheating husband because she told me that the most difficult part is the family life shattered/the impossibility of creating the same family atmosphere of little things we do together as a family. (Of course he has to prove he is worth the second chance....) I now enjoy the little things (the kids and us together under same roof around same table watching same tv etc) I will see for how long I can put up with him (he is great it is just you know...but not the man I married) so that the family life continues ...I try to play the cards I am dealt with...fred and twin I hope you will soon have a new better love life...stay strong ..love

So I've had a lovely day with the kids and my brother and his family, but I had to drop them off at the house and leave this evening, and predictably it's made me cry just before bedtime. Won't see the kids until Monday now and that's really hard. Started thinking about finances too, and that's just something I don't want to have to do because there are so many variables, most of them out of my control. Should prob rest now, have arranged to do something new with a friend tmrw, hopefully that will be fun and make me feel better. Feeling like stuff is a bit insurmountable again, prob need to sleep now and to continue chipping away at little bit of it tmrw.

Glad you had a good day. One day at a time x

Twins it's always going to be hard taking the kids back to the house you once called home, it's another good reason for both of you to have new homes. You won't have an emotional attachment to her new house.

Others will argue that it's less disruptive for the kids if they stay in the family home but I disagree. Some children will make the transition more smoothly to the new family dynamic without the memories and physical reminders in the family home.

Reading stories on FaceTime/Skype, especially if they have duplicate books will help on the days you don't see them.

I'm glad you're doing something new, it's good to fill your mind and body with other "stuff" it will do you good.

Eee it's been a bit up and down over the last few days. Lovely day on sat with the kids, tired and emo on Sunday, but did something fun and felt good in the avo and slept well. Felt good on Monday and did a full day at work and saw the kids for tea and bed after, but then had an arguement over child arrangements which made me more angry than I have been in this whole process. That knackered me and I didn't sleep well last night due to nightmares.

Today I attempted work and had to come home after an hour and a half. Cried a lot on my Dad on the phone and felt better, then went to see the kids do a performance at school, then came home and chilled out in the afternoon and evening and put a hammock up in the garden and read a bit swinging in warm early evening.

Current status, knackered but broadly ok.

It will be up and down xx

Consistenly ,ask her what are the reason of her depression no matter how stupid the reasons are .........just tell her , you cant see any other woman as your partner , you are not able to..........just ask her to give you one more try

Twins hope you're taking care of yourself.

Archil not helpful, not happening.

Seafour hello 😁 yes I am, been an up and down week and I've been tired but by and large I've been ok, if a bit sad, aside from one moment of going postal over custody arrangements and another the morning after of crying at work.

What are you hoping for with custody of you don't mind me asking

Sad, just shy of 50%, why do you ask?

Just wondered when you said you went postal about custody. Your love and care for ypur children shines through. xxx

Did you resolve the custody issue with your ex?

OMGtwins, coming late to this party, and forgive me if I speak out of turn.

Her reasons for splitting are to be with a man? Thats oddly specific for a lesbian couple. If there genuinely wasnt anyone else, surely she would have said she wants to be with someone else? not be with a man?

I suspect, and I hope for your sake that I am wrong, that she has someone else - a male someone else. Because its like the analogy someone else said earlier - if a husband was leaving his wife for someone else, that would be one thing, but if he said "Im leaving you because I want to be with a man" - I think for sure that "a man" would already be in the pipeline.

It may be time for a very sincere talk about other people and the logistics of custody. I would think that 50/50 ; one week at yours and one week at hers would be sensible. Childcare for half the month would be doable. Your love for her is a wonderful thing, but dont forget the love you should have for yourself.

Vastmajority how is that helpful? How???? Ffs people are such insensitive idiots sometimes.

Twins ignore the insensitivity of others please, you are doing just fine and we've got your back

Vastmajority on what planet do childcare providers agree to provide one week on and one week off childcare???? Rtft and gain a bit more understanding of the situation before you wade in with ridiculous statements that are completely unhelpful.

Thank you.

Maybe I look at things differently - I see an OP whose life has been devastated. SHe'll be going through the stages of grief. She'll feel like she was somehow to blame, that if she had been a better wife, thats shes not good enough...she'll be bargaining - if I am nice about the house, the kids, maybe she will come back to me.

All these things are normal, but what is not normal is that a lesbian woman would announce she wants to be with a man after 15 years, but really, theres no-one else. Like I said, its oddly specific.....but ultimately OP knows her wife better than people on the internet, so its for her to judge.

OP needs to get angry, and not follow her female socialisation to be nice and be reasonable all the time. If we were talking about a woman whose cocklodger husband had said he wanted to be with a man but there wasnt anyone, but could she move out, grant custody, pay maintenance....we'd be helping her "grow some balls". To fight back. To get what wants, unclouded by sentiment and pain.

OP, Im sorry if this seems blunt. But I hope it gives you something to think about and the ability to stand up for what you want and what is right. DW has had months to think and plan about this stuff, you are still raw and bewildered. Its OK to get angry. Its OK to go postal. Its OK to fight for your kids and for a new life for yourself. DOnt compromise on what is important to you. Dont feel you have to play nice all the time.

Vastmajority you have come late to this thread, Twins is doing just fine, she's an intelligent, articulate woman who is dealing with her problems in a calm and dignified way. I would imagine that the last thing she needs to do now is change tack and start bandying around accusations of infidelity and deceit, as parents they are setting an exemplary example of how to split and do as little damage as possible to the children.
Twins is the breadwinner and works ft, she will need to continue providing for her family and her ex will need to step up and get a job, if you'd rtft you would know all of this.
Exactly how would getting angry and making demands about custody improve the situation for all concerned?

VastMajority I can see where you're coming from, and yes I am angry, but mostly sad. I'm not gonna get trampled on in this, and have plenty of people who are making sure I'm not being overly nice. I'll fight for what I want, but I'm not going to be bitter and angry any more than I have to be get it all out of my system, and I certainly won't be in front of the kids..

Seafour and Fred, thanks for having my back and sticking up for me, and for being so complimentary whilst doing it, you're both lovely xx