15 years, 2 kids, she doesn't want me. What do I do now?

[OMGtwins]

As the title, together with my DW 15 years, civil partnership nearly 8, 2 kids in primary school, own house, only I work.

Tonight she told me she loves me as a best friend not a wife, there's no one else, it's been coming for years. She doesn't want to hurt me, but thinks she wants to be with a man.

Broken. Head spinning, can't sleep. Staying here in spare room tonight until tmrw morning to not upset kids.

What do I do now?

Fred, ty for the hugs, I can not have too many at the moment! This was definitely not mutual...

I moved country for my xh. Gave up career to be sahm. Thought I'd die without him. I'm almost finished a masters, have a great boyfriend and am happy. Never thought t possible. I'm still sad over loss of the family unit and still miss elements of life with him but you have a future, and it can be good. Take some time and think about what will make you happy. Another benefit was having time to myself, as much as I miss the dc when they are with him I've never had time to myself and it's amazing

I was 13 years and almost married ten

Fred, that's what I'm hoping, that time without my DC will be as good for me as time with them.

It is. You need to plan and fill it as it can be lonely if you let it. Feel free to pm me if you need any support x

Fred, you're very kind, ty 🙂

Day 5. Still at my folks. Still intermittently on floods of tears and sad all the time. Can't talk to my wife except on WhatsApp and that gets me every time. But managed to video chat and message the kids and be ok, managing to think about and sort some of the practical things in short bursts, and beginning to see now it might be, and trying to think of the positives. Arranged to visit a friend who lives near my folks in a few days, which is nice too.

Still having massive difficulty accepting that the future I thought we all had together as a family is gone, and it hits me at random moments when I realise as an assumption I had made that is now not true. Also feeling really sad about the turbulence this is going to cause for the kids. Was looking to generate some options for when they are with me and when they are with my wife and logistics make it really hard, and then I started thinking about how it'll feel to them to move between 2 different houses. So hard for them, and I never wanted to do that to them.

I know exactly what you are saying. Unfortunately this is life for you and then now and raging against the injustice of that, while being completely natural and understandable, is just wasting precious energy you need.

They will adapt. You will too. Have you the option of having some counselling? I found it super helpful. Also, some form of physical exercise to get your anger out is a good idea, or a yoga class to get rid of stress x

Them not then

Thanks Fred. Yes I do have counselling through work. Spoke to my counsellor on Wed and have another appt on Wed coming too. Don't know what I'd do without him tbh, you're right, it's v helpful. Am digging up the garden at my mum's house with her today, hoping that will help.

Twins, I was going to suggest doing something very physical so I'm glad to see you've been digging your mums garden. You can take out your emotions on the soil and hopefully the fresh air and activity will help you sleep tonight.

Going forwards filling your spare time when you don't have the DC's, it's time to learn something new, something that will make you concentrate and not give you time to overthink stuff. It doesn't matter whether it's French polishing, sewing or a new language but it does have to be something that you do in the company of others at least some of the time.

Something a counsellor said to me when my second marriage was in tatters was "it takes a long time to stop loving someone, even after the relationship is over". I thought that because I still loved him, there had to be a chance even though I knew there wasn't. It just made a lot of sense of my feelings and gave me permission to feel the way I did for as long as it took for that flame to extinguish.

Sending you ((((((((hugs)))))))

Doesn’t having the dc 50% of the time mean you don’t pay child maintenance?

I know you’re desperately sad, OP, but please protect yourself. Your ex will have to support herself and as the girls are at school, she can and should work. Yes, she may have to downsize.

Maelstrop - yes I am protecting myself, and yes my DW will get a job and/or benefits.

I still have to pay child maintenance as I'm the higher earner by quite some whack, and I want to, it's not a large amount of my total wage. It'll change as she earns more and gets herself back into the groove of working.

Seafour, that advice about the feelings is so useful, thank you so much. Yes I did sleep better last night, probably because of pratting about in the garden with my mum :) she's great, told me what to do and when, and food and drink kept appearing in front of me like magic too :)

Today I might do some DIY with my Dad, who is equally lovely, and really good to talk to :)

So day 6, I woke up feeling a bit better, got a bit sad after video chatting the kids, and felt better again after a good chat with my dad 🙂

Good for you OP. One day at a time

And seafour totally echo the sentiment about feelings. If only we could choose how to feel eh

Twins your parents sound fantastic, keep busy keep posting here and above all keep being kind to yourself.

Seafour, they really are. I think in the last few days I've come to accept that eventually I would have ended it because it wasn't going the way I wanted and I was waiting for her to change and prepared to support her in doing so, but I wasnt prepared to carry on as we were forever. She has very damaged parents, and had a hard childhood where she was physically provided for but emotionally neglected and not given any examples of healthy relationships really. I thought I'd helped her transcend that, but I hadn't, and so she has been depressed for ages and still has a repeating pattern of behaviour when things get hard that is not good for me or her. It's only looking back that I've realised that. She obviously feels that she can't change, or at least not within our relationship, so that is the end of us. It's really sad, but it's not her fault.

She beat me to it, and it was shocking, and does hurt like hell, but it is the right decision.

I really hope she can address the behaviour and be happy, in the long run. It would be nice if we could be friends too, but that will be ages away because I need distance for my own sanity right now.

Ah twins, that sounds as if you've come through the initial trauma of being slapped in the face by your own dream
Keep going forwards, don't look back you're not going that way

Day 8. "Slapped in the face by your own dream" yeah, that's right Seafour ;)

Another sunny day chatting and doing outdoor with my parents. Travelling home tmrw, to tell the kids over the weekend, after one last family occasion together. Not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

Feeling ok today, like I am ready to go back, to living in a friend's spare room, not my house. Gonna be emotional, but I think I can cope.

Any tips?

Try and keep a barrier between you and ex. Don't do the emotion sharing with her. It's hard and weird. I found it like a funeral for our relationship if that's not too weird. Try and take a step back from your feelings and get through as best you can for the kids sake.

For what it's worth I think you're doing amazingly

Ty Fred, that is the thing I find weirdest, the whole not being an open book emotionally, but still having to be polite and communicate because of the kids. I used to tell her everything, and check how I felt with her, and also ask her how she felt all the time. She did support me as best she could, and it was nice to have it. I miss that, and I miss someone asking me how I am too.

I know. And it's normal to feel that way. You've shared so much. I'm endlessly sad that I can't share my thoughts on memories etc with xh. I'd love to have that shared history with my bf. I never planned on having a relationship outside of xh and while I am happy in lots of ways I'll always be part sad not to have made it work.

But you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear

Twins you are doing amazingly, you really are. The only tips I have are keep busy and keep busy, be prepared to get upset when you tell friends, colleagues or the woman at the checkout that you and your wife are splitting up, always carry tissues and lip balm and drink more water.