15 years, 2 kids, she doesn't want me. What do I do now?

[OMGtwins]

As the title, together with my DW 15 years, civil partnership nearly 8, 2 kids in primary school, own house, only I work.

Tonight she told me she loves me as a best friend not a wife, there's no one else, it's been coming for years. She doesn't want to hurt me, but thinks she wants to be with a man.

Broken. Head spinning, can't sleep. Staying here in spare room tonight until tmrw morning to not upset kids.

What do I do now?

Ella Ty, I must try to remember that. Time will make it easier I think.

Hi, been in a similar situation to you, 21yrs married - 27yrs together - he has been having an affair for 2yrs. Where did we go from here .....

Moving forward you do need legal advice, contact a solicitor who offers a free consultation or a set fee (mine was (£60.00 for an hour)

Plan ahead write all your queries/questions down to save time.

Good luck - these things are sent to try us.

Morning of day 2, and I slept better and was sad but tear free until the kids came in for cuddles and it made my cry because that's one of the things I'll miss the list on days when I don't have them.

Also, what sort of things do I need to be thinking about for division of assets and time?

One of kids fussed about crackers so it made me think about Christmas, then one gave me my rings to put on and it made me think about those too (do we give them back to each other?) and what about the car?

I think I might be snowballing a bit, and will try to stop, but it's hard.

This morning hurts.

Can you take a couple of days off work? I know I needed to. I was an emotional wreck. But the distraction was good when I went back too.

You can tell how common it is from all your replies. My DC were 4 and just turned 1 when exh walked out. He went a day or 2 before the eldest starting reception. She doesn't remember it. At least, she hasn't ever talked about it.

I remember the physical pain. In my chest. And the numbness after. It went I'm waves.
She will have made this decision a while ago and it's not fair on you to have to hide how you are feeling. It's a massive shock.

If you can get a couple.of days annual leave, get her to go to her family for a few days and you stay at home. Kids in school etc. Will give you some time

Morning Twins, I'm so glad you got some sleep and I urge you to do exactly what user147 said, she's right that this decision was made some time ago and you're busy playing emotional catch up. If it's not possible for you to have some time alone with the twins at home then consider going to visit family or friends with them for a long weekend.
There is no reason why you will miss out on those early morning cuddles, they won't be every day but they will still happen.

I'm glad you're going to get some advice, try and get some personal recommendations when it comes to legal representation or draw up a list of questions, email them to a few firms and wait for them to impress you with their credentials and experience of same sex separation.

I wish you weren't going through this but we're here and you're being held.

User - yeah the physical pain feels real. I have got a few days off, I'm in no for state to work..

You definitely need a solicitor. As PPs have said, you're playing catch up here, and that's not just emotional.

Your kids are now 5 and at school, so your wife will be expected to get a job and contribute to their upkeep.

You and your wife both need to be "suitably housed", as in you both need to have somewhere where you and the kids can live, depending on the childcare arrangements you agree on. The assumption is 50/50, but you may not feel that is suitable, so will need to negotiate your own arrangements. Those arrangements will then affect the financial arrangements. It is likely that the house will have to be sold, and the money split to allow you both to put down deposits on a new place. So then you start to look at details - how long has she been out of work? How has her career path been impacted by being a sahm? If, realistically, she is never going to be able to pay the same type of mortgage as you, because she's never going to earn as much as you, then she may need a bigger share of the capital of the house, in order to put down a bigger deposit and pay a lower mortgage. In return, she takes a smaller cut of your pension. All this stuff has ways of being calculated, but you need to be realistic. It's not going to be quick. You'll probably be in rented for a while, until the house is sold.

Until you are ready to move out, don't tell the kids anything. They're only 5, and leaving them hanging, knowing you are leaving, but not when, will be really traumatic for them.

I remember feeling absolutely paralysed most of the time (still do occasionally) interspersed with short bursts of feeling really determined and practical. Make the most of those short bursts!

Re telling the dc, I had to break very similar news to my 2 at age 3 & 7. We kept it very simple, just explained what would be happening and gave lots of reassurance and repeatedly told them they were very much loved.
My ds who was 3 was largely unaffected at the time but dd who was 7 was devastated and described it as 'the worst day of her life' I'm telling you this because 10 years on she doesn't even remember that day and is a happy, well adjusted young woman!
I hope you're ok op?

Arum, I can relate to the paralysed Vs being efficient. Have got a solicitors appt tmrw to discuss my options. I know what I want, just need to know how to get there. Have also asked my wife to sort her financials out (benefits etc) before next week. Feeling a bit more in control at the moment. Still emotionally wrecked, but taking small positive steps.

Strawberry and Arum ty for the advice re telling the kids. Not in any hurry but need to have plausible excuses on the interim...

Morning of day 3. Feel safe in my parents house, which is good. Had cuddles with mum and cried a little. Video chatted to the kids with DW in the background. I was finding it hard but keeping it together until they started asking me if I was coming home, which made me feel awful because I'll be back where we live but not living in the same house and they don't know yet. Ouch.

I told the kids after about 5 days, on a Saturday morning so time to absorb before school etc. My xh had cheated so different circumstances but I told my dc that the five of us (3dc) would always be a team, and the 3 of them would always be a team but that daddy and I weren't working well as a team anymore so we're doing to have different homes. Then we all went out bowling together to show them we could still be cordial and spend time together etc.

Huge hugs to you, it is a horrible place to be but I promise you can get through this

Thank you Fred, that's a really good way of putting it. Not sure I could do a joint activity just yet, will see how I feel in a few days. Being with my folks is giving me time and space to just be without putting a front on, so I can prepare for what's next.

Seeing the solicitor has helped, I know what's coming now, and some of what I need to do. Removing uncertainty is good.

Baby steps Twins. Your kids will be okay, I can't believe how resilient mine were / are. Things are much harder as an adult. While it's hard, I really concentrated on removing any blame in the eyes of the dc. Then can have that info as adults. They don't need that added information clouding their view of a parent when so young

I'm so sorry.

But one thing struck me in your OP when you say she says she thinks she wants to be with a man. Does that mean she's already seeing one?

I worry from what you've written that all this is moving too fast for you. I know you feel the need to move on, but I really don't think you should be the one to leave your children.

If there is a man, is she just going to move into his house?

She needs to get a job, so that there's money to support childcare as well as second home.

Don't be too hasty - it needs to be right for you and not just something that's steamrollering you.

BIWI she says there's no one else, and I believe her. Dont want to mess with my head any more by thinking otherwise.

This is quick yes, but I think it'll slow down, not least because it takes time for legal process and for me to find a new house. She's the one who sent me links to guides about how to do this within 12 hours of telling me she wanted to split, and I have asked her 3 times if she's sure, and she's said yes every time.

I'm leaving our current house but not leaving the kids. Wherever I end up, I'll have them 3 nights of the week or half time.

Ty for the reassurance about the kids Fred, it's super important to me that they are ok on the long run.

Also BIWI, she knows she needs to get a job, and I'll be shortly putting a time limit on how long I'll pay the bills for our current house so I can afford to set up a home for me and the kids near to the current house. (Though I will pay the mortgage for a bit longer and the child maintenance will be permanent).

Twins I'm glad you're with family and being supported and that the meeting with solicitor went well.

Seafour, Ty. I am having a wobble now that's done. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I want it to stop. I don't know how to get through this right now. All I want to do is message her and ask her to tell me this is all a bad dream. I'm not ready to do this, to live on my own, and to hold her at arms length.

The most awful part of a break up is that it's rarely a mutual decision. Huge hugs twins x

It's an awful part of break up but if can be done amicably then in the long run it's better for you and the kids. When you are in a better place perhaps have a heart to heart on where and when it went wrong.
I split from my exH after 17 years. It was my decision, and I struggled for a very long time and went into a deep depression not knowing what the right thing was to do. I couldn't see a way out yet was very unhappy. I couldn't see he would ever change and besides my feelings were now set. After I told him how I felt and why, we still lived in the same house for a year and then he moved abroad for a new job. Fast forward I feel much better, the kids are fine, we talk amicably. I'm not in a new relationship, (not from want of looking!) but I hope that one day I will be. It all takes time...xx

@OMGtwins

Have you and your wife really talked about this? It all seems to have happened so quickly. It could be, of course, that she's been struggling with this for a while, and hasn't confided in you (I suppose quite understandably) but it sounds like you have a lot to work through, and that you need to talk to her.

Doesn't necessarily mean that things will change, sadly, but I think you need to talk, and she needs to both explain and listen.

@biwi yes we have. I spent the first 24 hours talking to her and I understanding where she's coming from and asked every way I know how of she would change her mind. She said no every time. Sadly I think she'd had her mind made up for a while and telling me was the last part. Mutual friends have remarked on how set she seems on it, even tho she is upset. She's upset about the consequences, but certain about her decision.

Things will slow down now, but there is no going back. Even if she changed her mind now I wouldn't believe her and so wouldn't be secure in the relationship. I wish it wasn't true, but it is, sadly.

Strawberry, ty, it's lovely to know there can be an amicable future. That's what I want, for the kids, and also for me, because she will always be part of my life, and I don't want it to be anuore awkward than it has to be.

@biwi also, the reasons why do me no good and do not change what happens next. All they do is make me upset for no reason because I have to listen and then won't be able to stop myself from thinking about of there was anything I could have done to get a different outcome (is is not splitting). I won't do that to myself. That might change in the future, but not now.