15 years, 2 kids, she doesn't want me. What do I do now?

[OMGtwins]

As the title, together with my DW 15 years, civil partnership nearly 8, 2 kids in primary school, own house, only I work.

Tonight she told me she loves me as a best friend not a wife, there's no one else, it's been coming for years. She doesn't want to hurt me, but thinks she wants to be with a man.

Broken. Head spinning, can't sleep. Staying here in spare room tonight until tmrw morning to not upset kids.

What do I do now?

Why do you have to move? Aren't they your kids? And isn't this your house?

The thing is, you can't force someone to be in love with you. As hard and brutal as it is, she has a right to not be in a relationship with someone she's no longer in love with.

I know it's shit and you've had a real shock. Look after yourself and I'm really sorry this has happened to you

for you OP

She didn't choose it. You don't choose to love or not.

And you don't have to move and you don't have to exit your children's lives. Just work out the best course for everyone, especially the children.

Chocolate yes, never said I wanted to force her to carry on when she doesn't want to.

Sneaky Ty

Arum it's complicated, and I'll do whatever causes least disruption for the kids, which looks like me moving out. She's the primary carer and doesn't work, I couldn't afford to pay for childcare to cover my working hours.

Ty MrsT, you've got your head screwed on. Mine is in the shed or AWOL.

You'll get your head on too. You're just knocked sideways right now.

Just try to focus on basic self-care and putting one foot in front of the other. And don't turn all your feelings into anger. That never works.

So it's morning. I managed 4 hours sleep. Woke up and instantly started crying. No idea how to pretend to kids it's ok.

Any tips?

I never thought I would be someone who started a thread like this, but thank you all for your support, it's helping.

Twins good morning, glad you got some sleep please be kind to yourself today and going forward. I too was breadwinner and assumed I would be forced to move on and keep the gravy train running but it turned out that my x had other ideas and other options that didn't involve DC's it was hard keeping all the balls in the air but a move to a new area where property was cheaper a more flexible job and lots of stress later it all worked out.

In many ways giving dc's the distraction of a new house, school, friends and life helped them adjust to separation and divorce, keep your options open. If this is her choice then is there any reason you can think of why she shouldn't get a job too and split time with the children 50/50 it works for lots of families.

telling OP he doesn't have to move out isn't particularly helpful is it?

assuming this can't be reconciled (via counselling, which definitely would be helpful for you both, regardless of the outcome), one of you is going to have to move out.

realistically, unless "D"W wants to move, this is going to have to be OP

even if that's not the case, would OP want to stay somewhere so full of memories/triggers?

Just for clarity, I'm a woman too.

I have no idea what the next steps are. First, learn to accept this. Second, tell the kids. Third, work out what to do next....

Don't be mean to my wife, I still love her and don't want to hate her. The only people who that would hurt would be the kids and I don't want that.

apologies - a silly assumption!

think what i said still stands though!

Discontinued, no worries.

Ironically one of the things that upsets me the most is moving away from the memories in the house. Lots of firsts here.

I guess I wish there was a way for me to have my cake and eat it, but we're splitting up so there's not :(

I'm sorry this is happening. Do you have people in real life to offload to? Who aren't also her people.

I know people who do 50:50 and work. It is possible. Hard; the parent who worked initially was skint and knackered. But they both work now, DC in school, they manage.

Yeah, I have a couple of IRL friends who I have been chatting to, and my family.

It's all about our combined budget and what options that gives us now. The costs of running the house we live in can be reduced a bit, but not much, so she'll need to get a job and apply for benefits as well as my contribution for her and the kids. And I'll need to be able to rent somewhere big enough for the kids to stay over, furnish it, pay my bills and live too. Expecting it to be tight, but hopefully family can help.

So nearly 24 hours on....

We haven't told the kids yet, but we'll have to soon, they're picking up on the atmosphere despite our best attempts to put on a brave face.

Does anyone have any advice for how to tell the kids? They're 5, and I have no idea where to start. Do we tell them everything at once, do we do it in stages? What are good things to say and not say? I'm terrified of that conversation because it's going to upset them, and also because once it's done there really is no going back.

I feel so much for you. You can have 50/50 custody and there will be a future for you even if you can not imagine it now.

I would wait until you have ironed all the details before telling them, if they are just 5 then this can be done in a really gentle simple way. Tell them all about the fun you will all have in two houses etc. If you can manage to separate and stay friends then this would be ideal for your dc.

She will now need to get a job, and pay her way.

Can you stay in the house? There is no written law you are the one that needs to leave all of the firsts behind.

You need some legal advice about the house and any mortgage etc. You are naturally shell shocked and don't want to disrupt your children but you also need to think how you and she will be running two homes in future.

Watching and Stripy thank you.

I know there's a future but I can't see it yet. Interesting idea about waiting until the details are ironed out before telling the kids - do you mean until I've found a new place? I'm finding it excruciating being in the same house as her right now, but I don't want to leave because it's the before of the end of my life as it is now and that hurts so much and also terrifies me.

Legal advice, from a solicitor? About my share of the house, my pension and maintenance? Don't even know how to find a suitable one tbh.

You poor thing :-( So sorry this is happening.

One thing that struck me from what you said -- that the last 15 years are gone. That won't ever be the case: you will always have them. You've lost and will mourn the future you expected you'd have together. But nothing that happens from now on can change the fact you have a happy 15 years together.

Twins I'm sorry if my earlier post was tactless I wasn't trying to be unkind, just making the point that you can't second guess the future.
I do believe that sometimes everyone in a separating family suffers more if the joint family home is maintained along with one trying to create a new home, rather than both partners downsizing, splitting furniture etc and creating a new beginning for everyone. There is no easy way to do this but the right way is the one that is fairest for all concerned, especially the children.

The only advice I can offer regarding your children is that the two of you know them best and will find the right things to say at the right time. You seem far too lovely to make the all too common mistakes of being tactless or making promises in order to score points.

Ty Seafour, you're v kind. It's all a bit raw so I'm likely to overreact to things randomly.

Will bear it in mind re us both possibly downsizing in the longer term. I'm coming to think that I need to plan to rent for the first 6 months then see where we all are. We have a good mortgage deal on our house and a fair chunk of equity.

I'm also coming to realise I need legal advice to make sure I don't lose out by going overboard on not disrupting the kids too much.

It's thanks to the kind words and gentle steer from you and others on here, I appreciate it.