Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

No no no no no no no no. Why are you putting up with this? It is not your responsibility to provide an adequate place for him to have his contact time with his children. The short answer is you won't be able to move on, neither will he and neither will the children. It's cleaner all round if you tell him now to find somewhere else to see them. This really isn't your problem to solve. Clean the slate now otherwise he will continue taking the piss. You need to be very clear and set very solid boundaries.

This is difficult because on the one hand it's nice that he wants to see the children but on the other hand it's like: get out of my house!
It might be a mixture of motives on his part, too, one about seeing the kids and the other about controlling you.

If i were you, I would try to phase out one visit at a time. The Saturday one, for example. You will have to tell him 'sorry, but I need saturdays to do xyz things'. If you do fall out a bit over it, would you really be that sad? And it might tell you if he's doing the visits for the kids, or doing it to annoy.

Op
This doesn’t sound right, you shouldn’t have to hide away at home.
Do u want ex to have a key?
Why don’t you agree contact/visits?
It’s not his house- does he know this (cos he treats it like it’s his?!)

What do you want?

Most contact happens to see kids/take them out esp as they are older, no requirement for him to sit at yrs.

I suggest you need to discuss changes or enforce them (like changing the locks). Also get visits on set days, you need more time when he is not popping in.

That must be so annoying if you are not on great terms! I can't imagine it being nice to not feel totally comfortable in your own home.
I think until he is settled it may be nice to let it slide (though not forever!) if it it's giving your DC some sense of normal and I think it's nice he is putting in so much effort to maintain a healthy relationship with them.
Him doing his washing there may be a bit annoying but as long as its not interfering with you and he's being tidy and respectful, I don't think it's worth an argument.
Maybe you could have a conversation and be like I don't mind you doing this but could you shoot me a text if you are bringing them takeaway so I know not to cook or if you are coming to spend the day with them so I know what plans to make?

Actually, I've had a re-think since I posted my post above. I think Teebee is right and the more I think about it, the more I think he's got a bloody cheek. I also am thinking it is about his trying to control/dictate. It's not like the kids are that young, they could easily all meet elsewhere.

You need to nip this in the bud. He has a place to take the children. You don’t mention overnights so the lack of bedrooms shouldn’t be an issue. He is mightily taking the piss. Tell him what the changes are and hold those boundaries.

Oh god stop this immediately. It will honestly mess with your head so much, and surely not good for your children to have heir dad over so much? It’ll lead them to thinking there’s still a chance of it working out and that’s never a good idea.

Personally as soon as the house is officially yours, I’d change the locks. It’s up to him to have a place where the children can go to spend time with him, not you!

Was he controlling when you were together?

When the house is officially yours, then change the locks. Tell the DC not to give Ex a key. If he wants to see them, then he needs to do so elsewhere. He has a fucking cheek using your washing machine. Getting his clothes clean is his problem. If you can't bring it up to him yourself, then get a lawyer to send him a letter. He is controlling you.

The change of ownership (and presumably the release of cash to him) is an ideal time to re draw boundaries.

Where does the ex live? The fact that you have ended up with the family home, (presumably because you also have residency of the children and you staying there may well be the cheapest way of housing the family) - has that left him able to afford somewhere on his own where he can relax, wash clothes and entertain the kids? Or is he sleeping on a mate’s sofa or living in a bedsit?

Once the house is officially yours draw a line in it and stop - change the locks and tell him no more

I would book a locksmith for when the house becomes yours.
Tell the children he is not to come into the property then as it is your safe space. And I would probably get a letter delivered to him to say he is no longer welcome in your home.
If he collects the children it is from the doorstep - or preferably the front gate.
If you are getting full possession of the house then either you have "bought him out" or given up other assets to cover the value of the house. So he will have cash/cash equivalent to pay for a launderette or whatever. And he can be a "disney dad" to entice the children to see him. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the children not their parents, so if they are old enough and see no benefit - then that is their choice.
If he wants to give them a lift he can text them and wait outside.

Change the locks, tell him he is not to wash and dry his clothes at your house anymore.

Tell him he cannot just pop over whenever he wants, if he wants to see the kids, he needs to arrange to meet them close by. This is your house, why should you stay out to accommodate him?

I’m on the fence.

Is he genuinely looking for accommodation that would allow the children to visit?

Was he abusive to you?

Tbh if this is only a temporary arrangement I’d let it continue for a few more months on account of the kids. Seems like he is missing them and is actually being an active father.

I understand why it’s irritating for you though

As you've put up with this so far, wait until the house is yours then change the locks. This is sooo not on!

Why have you put up with this? Are you scared of him? Are you feeling (unnecessary) guilty about ending the marriage?

Him washing his stinky pants in your washing machine is incredibly cheeky and proprietorial. Not to mention costing you money/saving him money.

If he can't have the kids overnight at his current bachelor pad he needs to move or arrange sleep overs at his parents or something. Not your problem! If that's not possible he can take them out then bring them back. At no point does he need to cross your threshold.

Change the locks when the house is officially yours. If talking to him is difficult, then email or text.

Make it clear you are not stopping him seeing the DC, but you need boundaries in place for everyone now that your relationship is over.

If he wants to give the kids a lift to school that's fine. He needs to arrange it with them and wait in his car for them to come out.

He needs to use the launderete until he gets a washing machine from when the house is yours.

They are secondary school so child care after school not required . This is your home . He needs to make time to spend with them . He wants tea with them he invites them over.

What if you get a new partner? It will then be he is been pushed out due to boyfriend

It might be the OP's house but it is also the children's home.
You can't ban them from inviting people (even if that is your ex) into their home.
But they are old enough to have it explained to them why you don't want him there all the time.
He sounds like he's trying to be a decent father but he needs to not use your house as the default place to see his kids

Change the locks!

Tell him that he can text the kids and ask if they need a lift. (I'm assuming that they have phones as you say secondary)

No washing, drying or popping in when you're at work. No entertaining the kids at your house. He can pull into the drive way to pick up the kids if your car isn't there but there needs to be boundaries. Tell the kids the new rules so he can't use the excuse that the kids invited him in. Dad will wait on the doorstep or in his car. They can text each other to say stuff like he's on his way so the kids don't keep him waiting for long.

You can't ban them from inviting people (even if that is your ex) into their home.

Banning wasn't mentioned and actually if my DC had a friend over every day...I'd put a stop to it.

The split of a family usually means the DC will go between 2 homes... no reasonable person would expect to come and go to their Ex's house in this manner.

Common sense needs to be applied.

It senna you might as well have not split up as he's still there all the time anyway!

Why can't he wash his clothes at his new partners? My ex did this. I moved out and he moved back in. I hated it. You've been very reasonable to put up with it for so long!

My ex did this too when we first split up. He would just open the front door and walk in. Would ask whether he could pop upstairs to get stuff, and would take things from my garden shed while I was out the house. He would even look through my kitchen cupboards and comment on what food was in there! I had to put a stop to it as it was not good for my mental health. I asked for all keys to be returned and every time something went missing I confronted him about it and told him I was worried someone was stealing things from me. I asked him to mention if he needed to collect something because it was freaking me out with things just disappearing. I then made sure that the front door was always locked so that he had to knock and I talked to him at the door. In his head it was still the family home and it really wasn't, it is mine and my children's home. With all those boundaries now in place we're both far more relaxed about the whole thing. He is more respectful of my space and I have told him where to get hold of my spare key in case of an emergency, but those boundaries needed to be in place first for us to get to this point.

Tell him that, for the kids’ sake, you want to plan contact time better. Get his agreement as to when and where. Then change the locks and don’t tell him. If he raises it as an issue, he must have tried the door when you were out and that is unacceptable. It is your house now/soon enough anyway.

This is all really weird and would do my head in too.

You need to set some firm boundaries - forget about worrying about upsetting some delicate balance. There is currently NO balance!

Why did you split in the first place, was it his decision or yours?

You really need to take some back control here so that you can feel relaxed in your own home.