Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

Thanks for all your messages - just to answer a few general points -

I instigated the divorce because of his longstanding behaviour towards me amongst other things. He was quite controlling when we were married, yes.

I am a little scared of his potential reaction to some things, yes.

Yes the house is mine (since yesterday ), but he has “received” money in return to add to his half of the pot and things are financially more or less equal disregarding the stuff which he probably didn’t disclose.

I agree that it is good for the dc to have a sense of normality, and emotionally of course this was his home for a long time.

Yes I have also been thinking that the friends can have people over, and he is one of their visitors.

On the other hand, I do want to feel relaxed and kind of know what is happening.

He let himself in with his key tonight and took one child out. Then when he came back he sat on the sofa for ages. But he smelled really nice and this made me think of the person he is now with - so he is with her but letting himself into my house and not saying anything to me.

His underwear in my washing machine annoys me too. Too intimate. I can see that he has a load of new pants and then think that this could be because of his new girlfriend .

Come to think of it, his being here in this way is confusing me too. TBF he wasn’t here yesterday or the day before.

This is intolerable OP - he lets himself in with his key? With no warning? He is still controlling you. As for his laundry.....words fail me.

This set up sounds odd to me.
It will be much harder for you to properly move on while you still allow access like this.. I would change the locks, tell him that if he wants to spend time with the children he can wait outside to collect them like most other divorced parents do, and take them somewhere else.
It’s not right that you are hiding from him in your own him (not his home, he has no rights of access). Don’t you think your children notice this? What kind of messages is this giving them?
And as for his pants in your washing machine, no no no no no. Don’t facilitate this. Changing the locks will solve this. If he says anything, you remind him it is t his home any more, he needs to sort his laundry at his new home, or go to a launderette.
He is still controlling you even though your divorced, don’t let him x

You really need to be putting boundaries in place. It isn’t acceptable.

Why doesn’t he live somewhere that accommodates his children?

I had similar with XH. His entitlement was huge. It took a lot of strength and some counselling to put boundaries in place and stick to them. He eventually got the message that this is my home.

He sees the children As much as he needs to so he can tell himself he sees his children and is a great dad. Maybe an hour a week? Rarely all together. Never all together over night. (He choose to buy a flat too small to fit them in with his “player” lifestyle ).

There’s a lot of control and entitlement and self-serving going on. Sorry, but time to sort it out. Stay strong.

If the kids are at secondary school why do they need him after school? Your being a mug and you know it! Get his new gf to wash his pants!

Thank you.

I think he is feeling sorry for himself because though financially we are more or less even in terms of assets / capital, mine is the house and a minute amount of money, and his much more money, and three assets that will require amalgamating into something but of course that is harder. Where he is living is fine, but unusual. The kids could camp there overnight, but not have their own rooms.

The house is yours so change the locks and install a chain. You had and have the right of quiet enjoyment of your own home even were it still partly owned by him - and he'd no business letting himself in without notice once he'd left. Now it's yours entirely you need to take a stand.

It’s not that they need him after school, it’s more that they are less likely to bother going somewhere else.

I don’t physically do his laundry - he does it here.

If I do ask my solicitor to say something, what should she say - also how does she write this in the same letter in which she is going to ask him if he is voluntarily going to pay child maintenance??

Sorry missed your post category.

Yes I certainly wouldn’t be letting myself into his place.

I think he thinks that since the kids are there he can do it.

I do understand that it’s a big change for everyone to deal with, and he had to move out which must have been very hard.

The kids are here rather.

you need to say no OP! Stop it.

My ex doesn't pass the door step and that suits me fine. He keeps trying to get into the house but it's my safe place and he can stay away!

Change the locks - it's your house. Stop his washing. Sort out things so he doesn't need to be in your house.

I have not been in this situation OP but it doesn't sound like the greatest of arrangements for you.

My friend always made a point of never allowing her ExH into the house. He was allowed up to the door which is where handovers happened but not over the threshold. I thought that was a bit cold although she's a very sensible sort so I can see her arrangement worked well for her.

My ex used to walk in - now he knocks and waits. He doesn't live here anymore, it's my place. Your home is yours, OP.

But things aren’t changing are they? He’s still calling the shots.

It’s down to him to sustain his relationship with the DCs.not for you to facilitate. If the DCs done want to go, he needs to think of a way to maintaining it. Time away, staying wirh other family members, whatever.

Change the locks!

How do you think my solicitor should word it?

If you own the house solely now, at the very least it's time to change the locks. If he's visiting, he knocks and you invite him in (or not). It's your home as well as your children's - if he isn't talking to you then he doesn't get to come into your space and ignore you.

And definitely no more pant washing!

I totally agree about the coming into my space and ignoring me.

I guess he is thinking that if I hadn’t instigated the divorce, he would still be living here. He does blame me I think.

Should I just move house ? Not possible at the moment anyway.

good lord what have i just read

this is beyond ridiculous and controlling OP... you're not free of him ATALL

Change the locks!

I will change the locks, but the thing that worries me about that is that I have a child with OCD who is often in the shower in the mornings when I am at work. Being self employed, ex can let himself in if necessary.

That’s the only benefit to his having the key I think.

Am definitely going to stop going out on Saturday mornings though.