Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

And I will change the locks - just have to do figure out when.

Your paying the solicitor handsomely to write the letter, let them come up with the wording, I am sure they will do a fine job. I would deffo change the locks and keep the doors locked.

Change the locks as soon as the house is yours in the meantime do you have a male friend who can pop over for a coffee?

Do you have a male friend who can pop over for a coffee?

I do come to think of it . I think I should try to get my social life back together a bit - it has been on hold while the trauma of the divorce was happening - then ex might realise that the house is not static and just waiting for him to waltz in and out.

I guess that in some way I am also clinging on.

@confused5 I just don't understand! My stbex tried this crap with me, refused to give back his keys, kept letting himself in, etc. My solicitor wrote a strongly worded letter (he made it up, I didn't dictate it!) saying that if he didn't stop, I'd go to court for an occupation order, and call the police. You don't need an occupation order - it's your house! You can't just have some random man (which is what he is now) wandering in off the street whenever he feels like it.

My kids arrange their own contact with him, it's nothing to do with me. He parks outside the house, they go out. I haven't seen him in months, really.

There is no reason for any of this to be going on. You do not allow him back in your house. If the kids want to see him, they arrange it for elsewhere. You can't have him coming in, refusing to speak to you, squatting on your sofa and making you hide! What on earth made you believe this was acceptable, or something you needed to put up with?!

Gobsmacked. He's really done a number on you.

Now moved, but at first I was in the house. My ex kept the key, but only walked in once unannounced. I was still so pissed off with him at the time that I bit his head off, and he never did it again afterwards. In fact, probably to make a point and play the victim, he didn't even park in the drive, but round the corner, and texted the kids to go there rather than even ringing the doorbell. Suited me just fine. Having to meet at his little place or in town etc. meant that they soon sorted out regular meetings as that was more convenient for them all.

Imagine you're just hanging around in your underwear in your own home and turn the corner and your ex is there. Just no.

Ugh, just seeing his clothes would have made me feel sick. I don't know how you can do it. I presume my ex went to the laundrette, but I don't know: none of my business.

I'm in a similar situation at present, however we have only just separated in the last month and my children are younger and I do shifts. My stbxh is not controlling, just getting the hang of things.

However I'm planning on it only being short term and he is getting himself laundry facilities soon.

Once we've formally sorted arrangements I do not expect or plan to allow using my home as a base when it suits. They don't live with us any more.

CHANGE THE LOCKS!

IT IS NOT HIS HOME NOW!

Seriously why are you putting up with this? It muddies the waters for the DC and frankly given many instances of snooping/theft I've known ex's do in this type of situation I would tell anyone NOT to do this!

Is he helping himself to food that YOU have paid for? Using electric/gas/water/wifi that you're paying for? Ahh yes he's certainly using YOUR water, electric, laundry detergent to do his laundry - wtf!

Where is he living now?

So he IS controlling and aggressive.

"I am a little scared of his potential reaction to some things, yes" is he violent?

This is him still controlling you. If you were to get a new partner how would he react? How would you have any privacy??

No he needs putting in his box! But in a way that's safe for you.

"It’s not that they need him after school, it’s more that they are less likely to bother going somewhere else." Are they WANTING to see him as much as they are? Beginning to sound like he's forcing his way into THEIR lives too. That's not on either. If they don't want to see him that's tough!

Hang on - he's not even paying cm yet? How long since you split? Get on to CMS TOMORROW!

Your solicitor if they're worth their wage will KNOW what to say. You're focusing on the wrong thing.

1 call CMS
2 get locks changed
3 tell him he doesn't come in any more there is NO NEED
4 PLEASE do some assertiveness training

Change the locks and send him a bill for using your house as a laundrette and coffe shop.
He does not need to come in the house at all, he can wait outside and then take DCs somewhere.

No he wasn’t violent - he could be verbally aggressive and short tempered, and used to give me the silent treatment for weeks and weeks.

I suppose I am kind of worried about his reaction when he finds the locks changed, yes.

He only moved out at the end of April so I suppose there is bound to be some adjustment time. He was also paying the mortgage until last week, so wouldn’t have been giving me CM yet. (It will be interesting to see if he does give me CM however, as he has so far twice ignored the issue when asked.)

However I get it that things have to become a lot more distant, and yes it is not on for him to just be letting himself in. So via the solicitor I am going to ask that he - knocks and doesn’t just let himself in, takes the rest of his stuff out of the house, and moves towards seeing the kids where he lives or taking them out.

It is hard though isn’t it - when somewhere used to be your home and it is no longer yours? I do have feelings of guilt connected to that - even though ex drove a hard bargain during the divorce and I shouldn’t - but it’s to do with the emotional side of it being the former family home.

(Am also going to change the locks before I go away this summer.)

Change the locks, absolutely reclaim your space. He’s claiming your home as well as his own. That’s not ok. And he is an adult- he can sort out his contact details with HIS children. Who cares about sleeping arrangements - they aren’t doing that anyway so ignore it.

But if the house was sold to someone else no matter what his emotional attachment he couldn't just waltz in and stick his washing in could he?

Get your solicitor to write to him. Discuss with the dcs how him being there makes you feel. As teens they should be able to understand that tho he is still their dad, he is now your ex partner. Ask how they would feel if they had a boyfriend/girlfriend and they split and then they came in from school and ex bf was sat on their bed.

Tell the dcs that the house should be a safe space for everyone who lives there and it should be a haven not a place of conflict. Don't assume your dcs are happy with him being there either. They might nod and smile but probably don't like the atmosphere either.

Your exs feelings don't matter on this one. He doesn't get a say. You and the dcs matter.

This is a great time to be doing all this, as school finishes in a couple of weeks, use this as your excuse for him to change his way, the children won't be needing lifts for 6 weeks so you can tell him he needs to collect the children on his access days, as you want a private life the same as he has.
Tell your children you trust them and feel they can be left alone. And that daddy is not to be invited into the house for more than enough time to collect them, and he is not allowed to do his washing.

I think you need to find a way to talk to your kids about this without the need for them to feel like they are taking sides or need to police him. Unfortunately I can’t help with how to do that as it’s beyond me.

No point in changing the locks if they let him in anyway, and they need to see that how things have been is unfair now the house is yours.

This is all about control.

He comes into your home and you have to hide.....WTF!

He ignores you in your own home...WTF!

He washes his clothes at your house....WTF!

Put a stop to this now.

If he gets angry/verbally abusive just call the police.

It is hard though isn’t it - when somewhere used to be your home and it is no longer yours? I do have feelings of guilt connected to that - even though ex drove a hard bargain during the divorce and I shouldn’t - but it’s to do with the emotional side of it being the former family home.
Yes, it's odd. We have now swapped round, so my ex is in the house with the kids. I moved out in April. When I go there it feels weird, but I go up to the door and ring the doorbell. I would not dream of going in and using the washing machine. I've moved out. It would be more than weird of me to do that.

Do you defintely have to do this through a solicitor, and without warning him about the lock? I can't get my head around the idea that he is not fully expecting to have to ring the doorbell.

She’s writing to him anyway about something else, so I thought she could tag something in about that. I just don’t know how to say it without sounding awful. Or even if I shouldn’t let things gradually sort themselves out.

I don’t understand what you mean about the no warning and the lock? Should I tell him I am going to?

I think he feels that the whole thing is unfair and that the kids are there, so he can be too at times.

Shouldn’t let things gradually sort themselves out and not say anything.

I guess I am hiding behind the solicitor.

Another one who had her ex do the same thing

Mine actually ended up sleeping on the sofa several times a week...good Lord it's toxic

Ok firstly....i had the same thought as you...it seemed wrong that he had to leave the family home and his life....but it's more that he sees the family as his home...i moved with the dc thinking that a property that was mine and the kids would feel different

It didn't work

Back on the sofa...eventually i had to get a but brutal...it wasn't about control in my Exdh case...it was about pretending nothing had changed but I screwed my DC and I up at the time

My DC are younger so it was less of an issue as the adults had main control of access (although I make a point of letting them see or speak to him whenever as well)

To move on you need to be firm....its tough and the conversations with DC are tough but I held onto the fact that was my job to do what's healthy for them and boundaries at healthy

Really good luck OP it is so far from easy

I meant: will he flip out if you ask for the key back or just say "By the way, I'm having a new lock fitted, so you can throw out the old key"?

No. Don't tell him. He is still controlling you. Your reaction of still wanting to appease him is usual in situations like this. He may not have been violent but he was abusive.

The solicitor will know how to phrase the letter, and how to enforce it if necessary.

Do look at the Freedom Programe. You can do it online and in person. It will be an eye opener I promise you and will help you moving forward.

Or even if I shouldn’t let things gradually sort themselves out.

They won't get better on their own, he is testing your boundaries and so far you have capitulated. He will keep pushing at them. You need to set some boundaries now and enforce them. Yo7 say you are scared of his reaction, what is the worst that he could do?

Ignoring you in your own house, bringing takeout for your children while you hide in a bedroom. Can you not see that this is him showing you that you may have thrown him out but he can come back anytime he chooses and demonstrate his lack of respect for you.

I think he feels that the whole thing is unfair and that the kids are there, so he can be too at times. I think he thinks this too, and I am encouraging you to send him a very strong message that its all changed and things are different now. And stick to it, do not let him wear you down. My advice would be to just not let him in, simples. If he wants to take the kids out, or to school, fine, they can go out to meet him.

Another vote for the freedom programme