Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

You do have the strength to see this next round through. You do now have real power to set and maintain boundaries. This will be good for your DC, for him and yes, while it is scary, you will feel better for having done so.

Thank you. He is here as we speak, because he always used to cook a particular breakfast on Saturday mornings, and in the in between bit after he moved out but the house was still “his” (it was in his name only), I was going out to accommodate this (I also went out at this time while the divorce was happening, as that is when I used to see a counsellor, and I was trying to get away from the awful atmosphere). This Saturday and last I have stayed at home however, and this Saturday in particular is the first one after change of ownership. However that obviously means jack shit to him .

I am definitely going to get the solicitor to word it properly - that of course both he and I need to spend time with the dc and that I am more than willing to be collaborative here and in other practical things if necessary, but he has to come to the house to pick them up and drop them off only.

There is no reason why he can’t cook this breakfast at his, and then pick them up.

I am also going to ask my solicitor if she can explain that the fact that I owe ex another lump sum next year as part of the consent order, does not mean that he has right of access to the house - I am not sure but I bet he is thinking something along those lines.

I don’t see why the dc should be subjected to the continuing silence between us either - that was one of the reasons for the divorce, so why does it have to continue? Plus I feel awkward in my own home which is crap. I am in the garden now (though I did stick it out in the same room for a while - doing stuff - thinking that maybe if he realises he can’t relax either, he will get the message) giving him “space” and avoiding the awkwardness - WTAF? And presumably then he goes back home to shag be with the partner he found two seconds after we separated but while we were in the same house for several months - that’s if he is still with her but I bet he is.

I found this article and 1. definitely applies to me. Will post this message and then find the link and post it.

The link:

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/10562836

I’m not actually sure why you simply don’t bring it up with him. It’s your home, he’s not welcome to invite himself in. End discussion. Sitting there seething seems unproductive.

Get locks that can't be copied without permission (Banham do these, expensive but secure). Make sure all your locks are of good quality at the same time.

I am also going to do this.

I do think that a while after an acrimonious divorce has happened, things might calm down and you might be able to invite each other to family events for example, but this is nothing like that situation.

Sitting there seething seems unproductive.

Yes I know, but I don’t want a horrible row or unpleasantness in front of the kids. They are used to seeing him on Saturday mornings, and the fact that he comes here. But equally he could just invite them to his next Saturday - I don’t think they would all go, but I suppose that’s another issue.

And yes I am sitting here doing nothing, waiting for the coast to be clear.

I think ex just can’t be bothered to make the effort frankly.

If for goodness sake woman!

Have you ever actually asked him to leave or even better not come round in first place?!

Tell him to go!!

Anyway I was waiting to see if his behaviour would change after the transfer - it hasn’t, so I will take steps to change the arrangement myself.

I can’t do it in front of the dc. And I didn’t know if he would come round today, but he has.

Today is your perfect opportunity then to ask him to wait at the door for the kids in future. I'd also get a chain so that he can't come in when you are in...until you change the locks.
Take a deep breath and do it xx

Monday morning, solicitor writes letter. This weekend, buy a chain and organise changing the locks.

My advice OP is that you have a shopping list of things that your Ex is doing (laundry, coming into your house unannounced etc.) and you go to your solicitor on Monday saying that you want these things to stop immediately. He must put together whatever steps are necessary to look after his kids somewhere other than in your home and no more laundry. You also want to set up an official arrangement about CS payments. Get your solicitor to put together a letter that will issue to his solicitor and get your locks changed. It's a quick and easy way to begin to assert your new independence.

Keep on keeping on!

he thinks he owns the house and you

I don't understand why you need the solicitor to put it in the letter at this stage.

When he goes today, as you don't want a scene, tell him to return his key now the house is solely yours, and that from this point, he has contact with your DC elsewhere and he needs to make alternative arrangements for his laundry.

I'd also find it really strange if my OH waltzed in to his ex's house to cook and do his laundry as he felt like it. It's not normal.

I think OP is afraid of his reaction and feels she needs the back-up of legal-speak to take a stand.

I think OP is afraid of his reaction and feels she needs the back-up of legal-speak to take a stand.

Yes

Afraid as in you fear he'll be violent or that he'll shout and make a scene?

Just change the locks and leave a message/send a text from now on you're not to come to my house. Really don't waste your money on solicitors

Shout, be unpleasant, call me names and try to pressure me (verbally).

She is already writing to him anyway, so I might as well get other stuff in the letter. Then I will also have a record of it all being laid out in black and white.

Not saying he would surely shout etc..

It’s also a very hard thing to ask him as I think he is feeling hard done by and sorry for himself.

Tell him he can't come in any more. Tell him you are changing the locks, and he is not allowed to let himself into your home. YOUR home. Not his. Yours. You are no longer a couple and he doesn't live there.

You need to change the locks immediately and tell your DCs not to give their keys to him under any circumstances.

You'll have to get your DC with OCD up and out of the shower earlier if you truly think this is a potential problem. But it can't be used as his excuse to keep treating your home like his when it's not. He's still controlling you, and will try to use your children to do it. Don't let him.

Well he's not - the financial stuff seems fairly sorted out, so his perception of being poorly treated is wrong - that's his issue, not yours. Put it out of your mind - you're no longer responsible for his feelings (not that you should have been in the first place). Detach from what he might be thinking or feeling.

You sound like you're so used to thinking about how he'll react to things all the time, you are still trying to placate and appease him. But you're on the road to being free of all that.

It’s also a very hard thing to ask him as I think he is feeling hard done by and sorry for himself

You're being a champion procrastinator. The 'I'll get the solicitor to' 'here's this article' 'but he might pay more maintenance.'

No!

Come on.

Get him told about the house, get the locks changed NOW, get onto cms NOW (it can take THEM ages to get into gear anyway). Enough!

Who do you think you're kidding? Cos it's not us and its DEFINITELY not him!

You're hiding IN YOUR OWN HOME again!

"I think ex just can’t be bothered to make the effort frankly" no - it takes effort to go to YOUR HOUSE but it's worth it to him to keep you under control doing what he wants - letting him into & use the house whenever he wants, not paying maintenance.

And again - he's using your elec/gas and did HE buy the food used for this special brekkie which I'm guessing he's eating some of?

No no no no no!

Get onto a locksmith TODAY!

"It’s also a very hard thing to ask him as I think he is feeling hard done by and sorry for himself" fucking tough! IT IS NOT HIS HOUSE NOW

Honestly you need to find your fight. This is bonkers and not remotely normal.

Errant copy n paste above

I don't understand how you managed to achieve a divorce!

With a lot of legal help (because ex was difficult all the way through), and by going through a lot of trauma.

I didn’t realise this bit would entail more trauma, but since the house has only been mine since Wedneday, I think I am still in good time to get things onto a different footing. I think it takes a while to feel properly separate, especially where there has been an element of control, but I am getting there. Things are in any case much better than they were, and this feels like the last hurdle now.

Thanks to everyone for all your thoughts and suggestions .