Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

You have divorced him. The relationship continues as does the control and abuse. This is not unusual re the dynamic being ongoing. You have always appeased so you are still doing so.

But, as you see it is nor working. Bad for you and very bad for theDC to see it play out.

Yes to solicitor. But to back it up you need support. Call WA on Monday. Try and book into Freedom Programme or do it online. You need support seeing this through. He wont give up easily so you need to face that and gave plans in case including possibly police and an order to keep him away. Otherwise he'll be doing this indefinitely. Good Luvk.

Thanks MsPavlichenko - sorry, I missed your message.

so you're actually Divorced.. but nothing has actually changed

No, a lot has changed gemini.

Talking through this particular issue has been helpful, and thanks again to all for the messages and suggestions I have received.

Talking it all through on this thread has been helpful, so thanks to all.

Oops - repeated myself.

Aawww good because you need you're own boundaries my lovely your own life... your freedom

When he’s making himself at home in your house, are the DCs engaging in lovely conversation with him, or are they off doing what they would be doing if he is there or not?

It strikes me that this set up satisfies his view of himself as a father without actually doing any parenting or putting himself out in any way. Simply a matter of convenience.

I don’t understand why you don’t tell him that things now need to change? I get that he might react badly, but he’s an adult and needs to deal with this situation. And mainly because you don’t need to take his shit anymore.

Now the property has been transferred it's the perfect time to get the solicitor to spell it out to him.

I would drop by his and insist on the keys back, just say "the house is now in my name and is now my home so I need the keys back, it's no longer acceptable or appropriate for you to come and go as you please"

You don't want him to have the opportunity to copy the keys, also DC need to be told not to loan him them and they are not to invite him without your express permission.

All the concerns as noted and I'd be concerned that he ignores you in your home and your DC witness that. That becomes normalised behaviour they may mirror in their own relationships.

Just send him a text: "I was surprised to see you this morning as the house is no longer your home. I didn't want a disagreement in front of the children, but you will need to organise seeing them either at yours or out of the house from now on.

Please could you return your key as I no longer want you letting yourself into my home, either while I am there or while I'm out. I will shortly be changing the locks in any case. My solicitor will be putting this to you in writing next week as I feel we need this situation clarified asap."

Send the text, then pour yourself a big glass of wine.

Just change the locks and tell the dc he is no longer allowed in because the house now belongs to you only. Tell them they can see him whenever they want at HIS place.

Why not send him an email telling him not to come into your house again, then follow up with solicitor letter.

Dont ask for keys back or tell him you are changing the locks. You wouldnt tell a random in the street you were changing the locks so you have no need to tell him. It is your house now.

Be very wary of any of your DCs 'losing' their keys after the locks have changed. If he is devious then he may see 'borrowing' keys from DCs as a way of gaining access.

Dont forget to get the backdoor lock changed as well.

He isn’t a randomer he’s the father of her DCs and she needs to remain civil and maintain some sort of dialogue with him.

The OP doesn’t have to welcome him into her home, but she will have to communicate with him. He’ll be an arse, OP sets her boundaries and insists he respects them. Takes time.

I think not telling him would be silly - because then he's going to find out when he's on her property trying his key in the door, probably with the dc. Guaranteed to make a scene and likely to find him in the house anyway. Op knows him and if she thinks he's more likely to accept it coming through her solicitor, she's probably right.

Then she tells him either directly or through the solicitor that locks are changed. No need to ask for keys back. If she gets the sort which can't be copied without permission then he may attempt to get a set from DCs either directly or by subterfuge. Best to be aware of that and find a way to make DCs aware they aren't to give their keys to anyone including their DF. Perhaps a little while lie about insurance and extra security now she's a lone parent.

Or just explain that things are different now, they are divorced and they’ll find a new way of doing things. The kids are at secondary school aren’t they? They can grasp that divorce mean Mum and dad aren’t married but haven’t stopped being their Mum and dad.

The situation is about what is easiest for the DF. If it’s anything like what’s happened here, the DCs barely noticed when DF was around. It was more about XH feeling he was still integral in their lives whilst making minimum effort. It wasn’t (and isn’t) parenting. It’s selfish and lazy.

The OP doesn’t have to welcome him into her home, but she will have to communicate with him. He’ll be an arse, OP sets her boundaries and insists he respects them. Takes time

This wasn’t possible got the OP during the marriage, why would the victim of of controlling relationship suddenly be able to do so now? Especially given the ex will manipulate and control the kids to circumvent.

Because she is out of his control now. Once you don’t have to live with them, you merely have to find a way to tolerate them.

You don’t have to face them over breakfast, have them get into bed next to you or feel your heart sink when you hear their key in the door.

You do have to re-learn quite a lot of your own behaviour. Living with someone like this, you live in a permanent state of high-anxiety. It takes time to adjust.

But eventually you re-gain control. You see through the gaslighting and manipulation. You stop questioning and doubting yourself. Once there’s some distance, you can see it for what it is and that clarity is huge.

Good luck @confused5. I think the bottom line is you need to bite the bullet now. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Glad this thread has helped clarify it in your mind.

House recently put back in my name. It is a cheers moment - enjoy the feeling and security it brings 🍸

He isn’t a randomer he’s the father of her DCs and she needs to remain civil and maintain some sort of dialogue with him

Absolutely. But that dialogue doesn't have to be in her home. And the civility doesn't include him letting himself in willy nilly.

needs to remain civil and maintain some sort of dialogue with him

Well, absolutely, not let him steamroller over her and think that he is still in control. Big difference.

Bollocks dialogue and being civil if the OO isn’t ready to manage that yet.

Best to get professional help and maintain distance if she’s not. If she were able to maintain boundaries and have a civil relationship then there would have been less need to divorce in the first place. No longer living together or being married doesn’t suddrnly give her the tools she needs now! This needs nipping in the bud now so no precedent is set with him of the children. It’s simpler, less confusing and easier to get things straight NOW.

My thoughts on the expensive "cant be copied" keys is it would be quite easy for him to take and hide one of the childrens keys and say they "lost" it and need another one so that he can keep theirs.