Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

I think it’s more confusing for the DCs where the boundaries are blurry.

Change the lock. Do switch overs at the door. Say to him (if he asks) "it doesn't work for me for you to have a key to my house"

No hiding! Set the boundaries and stick to them. You'll feel better for it.

OP, I've come fresh to this thread never having read it previously, and read all the way through in one go. Saying it as kindly as I can because I've been through it too, what I take away from what you've said, is that you're looking for any excuse not to make that final break.

Some great advice has been posted here, especially about the Freedom Programme. He'll go on taking liberties as long as you let him, you know that. It's just one more step; things will get easier, really.

Wishing you and your DCs all the best in the world.

I would put the ball back in his court.

You could say I've been thinking now our assets have been divided I need the same privacy in this house that you have in yours.

I appreciate how difficult that is for you as it was our family home.

I did wonder about moving to a new place but it would be so disruptive for the children...

Changing the locks won’t work if he manipulates the kids into letting him in. If there’s s I s about control, that’s exactly what he’ll do.

Bottom line here is: You are are not together any more. The house is yours, not his. Change the locks now, and no, you do not have to tell your ex. It is nothing to do with him.
With things like they are you are unable to properly disentangle yourself from him either physically or emotionally. and this is not healthy for you or your children. Things will not just sort themselves out. And stop worrying about what he will think of you, or ‘sounding awful’. The quicker you get these boundaries sorted and set, the better.

Change.The.Locks.

Don’t tell him. Your house now.

Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat x 10 ‘it’s my house now’ until you actually believe it.

And yes, just change the bloody locks. If he kicks up, he’s an arse. And you just be the broken record ‘it’s my house now’. Do not engage further. Do not get dragged into an argument. Do not get tempted to justify yourself. There is absolutely no need for that.

It is not his house! Please break free of this. It will be a huge relief once you know you are not going to find him round the corner or on your sofa. You need to feel secure and happy in your own home. I am sure he enjoys making sure you are not.

It is much worse for everyone to have unclear boundaries.

One boundary you need to set up is that you don't jump when he barks any more.

You don't need the solicitor to do this. I'd go so far as to say you must do this yourself to prove to both you and him that you are free.

Email him saying "Now the house transfer has happened I will be changing the locks. You will need to see the children elsewhere. Please feel free to message the children to arrange when and where you will meet."

You are free of his shit now. You don't ever have to look at his face again. You don't ever have to worry about his temper. He can't do anything to you any more can he?

Change the lock tomorrow. You do not have to tell him and you most certainly do not ask him not to come in. It's your house. Not his. Where is he living - the DC should visit him there or he can take them out.

You also do not ask him to remove his stuff. Your solicitor can include in her letter that it will be available to collect on X date from the end of the drive/porch/garden path.

And a big YY to the Freedom Programme - I'm a group facilitator but you can do it online for £12 if you can't do a group.

Thanks for all the messages, suggestions and thoughts - it has really given me food for thought and different ideas about how to go about this.

FeistyOldBat thanks for your good wishes, and I think you are right, I am still desperately holding on in a way. Even though he definitely was, and probably still is with someone else.

One of the reasons I would change the locks is because the kids and I are going away in the summer, and I don’t want ex in the house while we are away.

I am a bit worried that he may then ask the dc for their keys so that he can copy them, but maybe I am overthinking things. I do think that when ex is more settled in what he is doing / where he is living, he won’t feel the need to come here so often.

I am going to put boundaries in, and am thinking how to do this. All the suggestions have helped.

What about the kind of situation that happened today though - one of the dc was home all day, and ex was here too for some of the time. So I haven’t seen ex, but this one dc has. Would I want to / could I stop ex visiting the dc here when I am out / at work?

This does make my situation quite different from his as I don’t go to his, ever, but then maybe that’s the price I pay for the privilege of living with the dc more of the time at the moment?

To the person who asked, yes I think he would be cross if I asked for his (current) keys back.

I do agree that blurred boundaries are crap - for the dc and not least for me.

Of course you can make a boundary that he doesn't come in when you're not there. It's not normal for an ex to do that. He needs to take the dc out, not hang around in your house.

Get a ring doorbell, it records who comes to and therefore enters the front door.
Just do it, change the locks, putting it off won't make it any easier.
He's not to enter the property, he waits and the children come out, he has no reason to enter. The solicitors letter will make it clear to him.

This isn't respectful of your space, he thinks it's his space.

Change the locks. It's like he's trying to break you into submission or something. I wouldn't go around to an exs house if I wasn't wanted, did he not care about how you feel, or does he have some sort of insensitivity condition.

@confused5 you can get locks with keys that you can't get cut again unless you show proof that you own that lock. We use them for our flats at work and have to order spares through our locksmith, who has to order them from the manufacturer.

Or if you can stretch to it, one of the new fangled Yale locks which you can open with your phone but YOU control who has the code, and you can change it if you think it's been breached. M

You can get brilliant security lights that have built in cameras and show people coming and going from your home. I think that would certainly help you here, maybe as a start along with explaining to him that now the house/finances etc are sorted you need to re- establish new boundaries. Also need notice of when he is coming round as you may be 'entertaining' someone and that could be surprising and difficult for all

Sorry I meant the lights/cameras send an image to your mobile while you are out so you know what's going on at home.

For example ... https://www.johnlewis.com/netatmo-presence-outdoor-security-camera/p3097689?sku=236646519&skwcid=2dx92700024411548828&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4P-vl9n52wIVy7ftCh11ZAVdEAQYBCABEgJ-1PDBwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thanks for further suggestions - I didn’t realise that you can get keys that can’t be copied without permission - I am definitely going to do that.

does he have some sort of insensitivity condition.

I think he is just extremely self-absorbed. Tbf I think he has asked the dc to go to his a lot as well, but they generally don’t.

Also need notice of when he is coming round as you may be 'entertaining' someone and that could be surprising and difficult for all

chance would be a fine thing - though I think I am going to be off men for life now - everything always seems to be about them - sorry, generalising wildly!

Explain to the kids that time with dad will be wherever they plan
He has his house and this place is for you guys

Yes I will.

And I take on board the comments about my trying to appease ex that some posters made. I think it’s true, and he could still shout me into getting his own way about something if he wanted to - and having the kind of access he currently has to this house is one of those things maybe. However it took a lot of strength to go through the divorce, so if I need to I will access that again.

"It will be interesting to see if he does give me CM however, as he has so far twice ignored the issue when asked" I expect he has NO intention to do so. Get onto CMS ASAP.

PLEASE stop being so passive. Get those locks changed.

He is NOT your problem any more - and neither is his dirty laundry!

"even if I shouldn’t let things gradually sort themselves out" NO! Because he won't allow that. You HAVE to make a stand. He is behaving as if it is not only still his property - but that you have NO SAY in it.

Explain to the DC - they are MORE than old enough to get it! And it helps them too. Make it clear they are NOT to loan their keys to him or let him make copies.

Have you discussed with the DC how much time THEY want to spend with him? As in my first post I'm seriously concerned he's forcing them to spend more time with him than they want to.

Please do find your anger, your strength YOU CAN DO THIS

I think he probably has no intention to pay CM as well - will ask him one last time through the solicitor as, if he pays voluntarily, it would probably be higher than what I could get through the CMS as he is self-employed. I think he will take the attitude that he can give money directly to the kids as and when he wants to, but obviously that’s not the point.

I will go through the CMS if I have to.

Yes you’re right - I am being passive. Which was a problem during the last years of my marriage, and why it took me so long to get out (that and other factors).

I am going to sort it.

Get someone to house sit while you are on holiday.

Good on you @confused5 for recognising the truth of you position. You have done well to get through the divorce. He is trying consciously or unconsciously, to keep control of you and the DC. You do have the strength to see this next round through. You do now have real power to set and maintain boundaries. This will be good for your DC, for him and yes, while it is scary, you will feel better for having done so.

He may well be prepared to give the DC more CM, if he is allowed to stay in control of what he gives and when: just another tactic in his continued battle for control. I would very much encourage you to put that on a neutral footing by involving the authority or accepting that the DC go without anything from him.

You have a choice here: you can allow him continued free access your home, so that he can continue to dominate you through sheer force of will, which would make him feel moe powerful and you feel weaker.

The alternative is for you to stand your ground, maintain your boundaries (fences) and feel yourself growing stronger and his power over you waning. Having read your posts on this thread, I am confident that you will go for this option, growing stringer and stronger.

It might help you to build a picture in your mind, an image that resonates with you, to remind yourself when ever you might need a bit of extra boost to keep going. Is there anything that comes to mind? Practice building it into a very strong, capable image, so you can call it up when you need it.

You have got this

Get locks that can't be copied without permission (Banham do these, expensive but secure). Make sure all your locks are of good quality at the same time.

Talk to your DC telling them Dad can no longer come into the house - is not bad mouthing him.

What the F... does it matter if he get angry or you don't seem "nice". If he shouts or is violent - call the police.
You really need to work on this. Do not get into a new relationship until you have done the Freedom Programme and dealt with yourself - otherwise it's too risky that you might go for another a...hole.

It is unlikely that he will pay more than CMS even though he could afford to.