Ex often in house situation, what do I do?

[confused5]

A typical week looks like this:

1. Ex at the house with our dc after school - not quite every day of the week but often, and I never know when. He makes food for them when they get in, and while I am often still at work while this happens (or taking a long time to get home to give them time together), yesterday there was an overlap of one hour and a quarter. It’s awkward because we aren’t on speaking terms.

1. Ex pops into the house in the morning while we are all getting ready, and waits to give whoever wants one a lift to school. Not quite every day but often.

1. He comes to the house on Saturday mornings and I go out to accommodate this. Last Saturday he was here until 2.00 pm and I was out twiddling my thumbs but really I had loads to do at home.

1. The odd other ad hoc things happen - last week he brought the kids takeaway one evening, and I “hid” in another room.

1. He washes his clothes and dries them here. I understand that he doesn’t have a washing machine where he is, so maybe this is okay.

1. Sometimes he is here during the day while I am at work - though this has also been on days that ds has had study leave, so they have been together.

None of the above is by arrangement with me. The only day that he is not here at all and I can be sure of this, is Sunday.

The dc are all at secondary school, and only one of them would budge much to go and see ex where he is living. Logistically I can see that it is much easier to do things the above way. Also I want to do what is best for the dc.

The house will officially be mine some time this week, but tbh I don’t think this will change much in ex’s mind. Where he is living is fine, but the dc don’t have bedrooms there.

I know ex will eventually be more settled elsewhere and all of the above won’t be an issue any more, should I wait for that?

I am worried that I will upset some delicate balance if I say that he can only come here for pick ups and drop offs. This was the family home for many years so I understand that it’s difficult.

On the other hand though - how will I ever “move on” under these circumstances? It’s okay for ex as I think he is with someone - and he has his own place to be together with that person.

I've got the hard to copy keys, partly due to crazy family who have copied keys in the past. New ones are expensive and a pain to get. My children take extra special care of them. They would be in a state if theirs went missing, the hunt would be long and loud. If it turned out someone had taken the key it would soon be obvious, unlike a key taken, copied and returned.

No matter what type of key, changing the locks is a statement to eveyone that the house has changed ownership.

Baby steps can be taken. Change the locks, he has to ring the doorbell and be invited in. For a while the children do so. Later, you can ask the children to arrange to meet him out sometimes because you've got X/Y/Z going on and you don't want visitors.

Me, I'd ban him now but obviously he still has control of your mind so you can't slam that door on him yet. You will one day.

For now though, mark your territory. Change locks, paint the walls, move the furniture, chuck that vase he loved and you hate, buy a thing you love and he would hate. It all helps you to break free.

Reading this I'm confused is he an ex and if I'm feeling like this how will your children be feeling x

@StormTreader my Banham doesn't work like that. You can only have them copied at Banham, and you have to be an original signatory or take a special card to be allowed to copy one. There is a special procedure if we move.

If you get the light/ camera that sends images to your mobile you won't have to worry about him being there when you aren't as you will see every time he comes round!

There are places called laundrettes if his new girlfriends won't let him wash his new pants at her place 😁

@Bekabeech My thought was that the ex could just take one of the kids keys and tell them "you must have lost it". OP would then have to go get the kid another copy if they need a key, thus avoiding the whole "he wouldnt have permission to get a copy" issue.

Does he actually know that his behaviour is a problem? Maybe he thinks it’s ok and is carrying on as such?

Can you not simply say to him something along the lines of ‘exh, this is now my house and home, please make alternative arrangements to see the dc as my home is no longer available to you to use for contact. I have changed the locks today, so please knock and the dc will come out to you. Please do not come into my home from now onwards. I’ve told the dc to expect a change in routine’

tell your dc what’s happening.

You could even text him this if you don’t want a face to face.

I’d he does use your dc key, tell him if it happens again you’ll be calling the police, and make it clear to your dc he’s not allowed in the house unless you sat it’s ok

Oh god, just text him if you can't bring it up in front of the children!
Send him what MakeitRain wrote:

I was surprised to see you this morning as the house is no longer your home. I didn't want a disagreement in front of the children, but you will need to organise seeing them either at yours or out of the house from now on.

Please could you return your key as I no longer want you letting yourself into my home, either while I am there or while I'm out. I will shortly be changing the locks in any case. My solicitor will be putting this to you in writing next week as I feel we need this situation clarified asap.

Take the fuse out of the washing machine plug on Friday night so he cant use it on Saturday morning. Bag up all of his stuff and leave it by the front door. There should be nothing belonging to him in your house now. After the solicitors letter and after you have asked him to take his stuff you can throw anything else away. How dare he use your electricity to cook and wash his stuff! Did he do the washing up?

Thanks for all the messages.

He is still paying some bills - it is taking time to get everything sorted - so I guess there is a grey area there.

There are problems where he is living, so I can see that he is not settled. He does have the means to be however.

I think it will take some time for things to fall into place - am working towards extricating myself completely and have to do it step by step.

By the way - how do I find a good locksmith, and not one who is going to keep a copy of all the keys and later come back to steal stuff ? Worst case scenario I know, but how do you find a reputable one?

(And no he often doesn’t do the washing up .)

@StormTreader if he did that then you can get the barrel changed. But I would also report it to the police as it sounds very dodgy

A good name such as Banham or someone who has been in your town for ages. They wouldn't be dodgy as that would ruin their reputation and business.

Thank you.

@MakeItRain 's text is a good one.

@Somertime I know when you were together, and he had the power to make you scared and miserable, it would have been sensible to avoid upsetting him, to not assert yourself. He knows this, it suited his purposes, and is probably why he was so unpleasant. When you do start to stand up to him he'll want to put you back in your box. He'll have a tantrum/cry/sulk/threaten/use guilt. but he'll do that whatever you do, whether you make a big stand or a little stand. So I suggest taking one big bite rather than lots of little nibbles. Change the locks, don't let him across the threshold.

It's going to take a bit of effort and bravery on your part to stand up to him. But it will be worth it. When you don't have to look at his stupid face every week it will be much easier for you to move on mentally from the place you were in when you were together. And stick to it: if you tiptoe round him or back down in response to any of his bad behaviour, you're teaching him that being unpleasant pays off and you'll go back to square one again.

Don't give into his manipulation. It's in his interests to not have a washing machine/room for the kids etc. He knows you well enough to know he can use guilt over this to manipulate you. Will you be letting yourself into his place when you've both retired because you signed the pension over to him? Will he be feeling guilty then? Even though you still owe him a lump sum it doesn't mean he has rights to enter your home.

Good luck OP you'll be able to move forward so much faster when you do this.

Thankful goldfish - that’s very helpful.

I meant thanks

Hi Confused5 just read through your post and replies, everyone has given great advice and I agree with the lock change and solicitors letter maybe they could be timed to happen on the same day?

What I find odd reading this is the massive control he's having, it seems he's ok to have a new GF but by his behaviour he is not allowing you any opportunity to start afresh in that way yourself should you wish to it is very convenient.

You sound a lovely person but I am sure the mere fact you divorced him for his behaviour in the first place shows what he was like and must have driven you spare just getting to that point.

Please don't let him control you anymore you have a chance to make a new life don't let him postpone that joy any longer.

Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes. x

Thank you so much memyself .