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Original poster

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
Nellia · 02/08/2018 21:18

Unless taking kids out everyday was part of the family routine before you split him doing it now may seem excessive and disjointed to the kids

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2018 21:52

Chances are he IS directly interacting with the kids more now. But it's just another way to 'mark his territory'. Before, he may have been in the same house, but I'd be willing to bet that is actual interaction with them was less because you were doing most of the child-related stuff.

I agree with Buttery. It's time to push back a bit with "No, I am going out after you pick up the kids, I'll be back around ". Make the first few times just an hour or so after he wants to bring them back, then start extending it. Be away from the house, because I guarantee he'll try to drop them when he wanted to originally.

It may result in him saying "Then I won't have them at all" in a huff, which would probably be just fine with your 7 yo! If that happens, just say "Fine, your next access time will be XXX then".

See, now you're programming HIM to see that he can't walk over you anymore!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 02/08/2018 21:59

Thanks everyone. I have told him now that he needs to stop having kids when he sees fit and have set times now. He said to me he's glad he's left me because now he can do what he wants and go where he wants at whatever time he wants. That's not being a parent is it? Just makes me look like a dick

OP posts:
hottotrotsky · 02/08/2018 22:03

Makes HIM look like a dick you mean?! Hope that was a Freudian slip.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 02/08/2018 22:08

@hottotrotsky hahah yes it was definitely a slip, it makes him look like a dick.
I'm hoping so bad for him to fail on his new life, and for him to lose. Is that bad? I just want to have to last laugh because I'm sick of him looking so smug. I'm hoping this is just a feeling that will pass

OP posts:
hottotrotsky · 02/08/2018 23:04

It might or might not pass. You focus on your life and making it succeed as opposed to his failures. Your DC and your sanity are what count now.

Course if it did go tits up for him (as it will) a bit of schadenfreuder on your part would be perfectly understandable. Just do not take the entitled controlling fucker back!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 03/08/2018 11:32

He asked me if I wanted to have sex with him this morning when he came for the kids. I declined obviously and I can not believe that he would ask me that. He wanted to use me like that! Don't know why he does this to me.
He was like 'oh it's just sex, it doesn't mean nothing'
I'm so glad I was strong enough to tell him where to go! He said me saying no gives him more 'fuel'
No idea what he means by that. He acts so cold, shows no feeling but when he wants sex he acts all nice.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/08/2018 12:05

He's just trying to mess with you. Try to let it wash over you: he's "anything for a reaction" man, to get his claws back in - he probably recognises that you're stronger now, and is trying to unbalance you again. Sex would do that and make him unbearably smug, the twat.

Only give what he says part of your attention - if it's about arrangements it gets listened to, if it's anything try an internal chorus of "tra la la, not listening" or something, (or shut the door).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2018 12:11

@TakeTwoOfThat have you seen a solicitor yet to get a proper childcare arrangement set up?

Fabbydoodles · 03/08/2018 12:22

He's using reverse psychology, pathetic little beast of a man, gives you more 'fuel ignoring him, shift the power, ignore any advances and youl be the stronger one, he's already at your mercy, he just won't admit it.. keep it up, the upper hand feels good

Clutterbugsmum · 03/08/2018 12:38

Fuel for what, He can hardly use it for unreasonable behaviour consider he left in June and now in August you don't want sex with him.

Honeyroar · 03/08/2018 22:27

He's just not able to upset you as much as he could when he first left, and it secretly bugs him. So he tries to be a bit meaner/more shocking in the things he says as he wants your reaction.

Come on girl - get those arrangements set in stone and get the maintenance organised - he will hate it but won't be able to do anything about it, you'll have the last laugh.

Feckers2018 · 04/08/2018 13:31

When he comes for the kids make him wait in the car. Disgusting abusive dick.

Feckers2018 · 04/08/2018 13:33

Stop face to face contact as much as you can. Set times and you will send the kids to the car. He has given you every reason to do this. Is he unhinged?

Feckers2018 · 04/08/2018 13:40

I know its hard but stop bothering about what he thinks. He sounds vile.
You are getting so much stronger. While hes away plan a contact timetable and stick to it. In fact there should be no need to speak to him.
Have you been to a solicitor yet? That will make you feel more in control.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 04/08/2018 15:07

@Feckers2018 I'm trying to just stay strong
He he said he can't stand me because I'm 'too mouthy and loud' I think he just wants a door mat who doesn't stand up for herself. Saying I act like a man ( I have no idea what he means by this I think because I stick up for myself when he says something to upset me. He asked me for sex again today and I said no so he said 'oh well I need to go find a woman now to give me this'
Then he said 'it's ok, it's not fair to use you for sex'
He just makes me feel like utter crap.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/08/2018 15:18

Can you stop having these sorts of conversations with him? You need to be doing doorstep handovers an closing the door in his face before he can start this kind of crap. Big smile for the dc and cheery "byyee", shut door - big smile for the dc coming back and wave them in, shut door. He has nothing of interest you need to hear.

Honeyroar · 04/08/2018 19:40

Yes why are you still letting him talk to you like this?? If he can't be polite he can't come in. You get to decide.

Thebluedog · 04/08/2018 20:35

Is he saying these things in front of your dc? I presume not, if you’re not physically handing over the dc then shut the door and make him stand outside. Don’t have any small talk with him at all

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2018 21:31

Please don't let yourself get led into these conversations! At the very first instance of a personal remark you need to shut him down with a well chosen phrase and then change the subject. Without knowing how he leads off with that shit, I don't know exactly what to recommend, but perhaps "Oh do fuck off" would work Wink.

I think it might help if you stop and think about how he gets on those topics. Be sure that you aren't saying anything to him that could give him an opening. At the very least when he starts in give a big fake yawn with an eyeroll, and a 'whatever'.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/08/2018 08:53

He asked me for sex again today and I said no so he said 'oh well I need to go find a woman now to give me this I'd turn back around on him, and say something along the lines of ^well obviously YOU can't other wise you would be bothering me. Is the grass not as green as you thought it was. Do not mention it again as I will not now or ever be that desperate to want a relationship with you let alone sex with you again."

Butterymuffin · 05/08/2018 09:10

Good suggestion clutter!

Also act bored when he talks about himself and his (not so) wonderful life. 'Oh, not this again. Yeah, you already told me'.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 14/08/2018 10:52

Just updating your thread, you never know someone else might be in my position and need same advice and situation.

I am waiting for a free consultation call back from a solicitor for tomorrow morning. I've not really had the good amount of time alone to actually go out and travel to see one personally with 5 children. He went to Portugal last week and came back the Friday. It felt good not to have to see his face for all those days but when he came back all that anxiety of having to see him came back. He still is trying l goad me making digs that he's buying his Own house. He gave me £30 before he left for Portugal but says he wants to see my bank account to see how much I get before giving me any money. He says he will buy the kids clothes and shoes now and again when they need them but he won't give money to me as I won't show him my bank account about how much I get ( tax credits ect)
It makes me angry. But this is something I will be discussing with my solicitor. Child maintenance never did call me but I'll be calling them too now. I didn't want to go down that route because I felt there will be more backlash but how worse can it get now?
He still asks me for sex too. He said he never wants me back but of he ever did want me back he can get my back anytime he wants. He really is nasty. Sometimes I wish he would just disappear but then that wouldn't be fair on the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 14/08/2018 11:07

Something else well. He told me he wants to take All 5 kids to Italy for a few nights and That I should buy a ticket and come along too. Then a few days later I asked him if he could have to kids for 2 nights whilst I go away alone because I need that space at the moment.. his response was 'oh abroad? Oh well if you want the trauma of the possibility of being raped or mugged in the likes of Spain etc go ahead'
Then I said no somewhere in the uk he said 'ok then I'll be taking the kids to Italy alone'
It feels like he will always get his space ( like 5 days in Portugal) but I'll always be stuck here and he will always find a way to put me off having a life. He makes life so difficult.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/08/2018 11:17

Keep practising those bland bored replies OP. For things he says he's doing (house, Italy) 'oh really?' 'That's nice' For things like 'I want to see your bank account' or 'I could get you back anytime' or the sex talk use 'ha ha, so funny' 'yeah, right' 'you wish' etc. Be bored, dismissive, don't react. Hard I know but you'll get there. And just do all financial things through solicitor and child maintenance people.
If he's taking the kids, great, enjoy your break. Even if he gets more time, take what you can and make the most of it. You're doing well. Flowers

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