Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

I'm soooo glad that you're going to see a solicitor. He's a horrible man and you need someone official on your side. You've done so well but you shouldn't be having him dictating how you go on holiday etc.

Have you ever spoken to women's aid? He's still abusing you now.

Thank you both again. I have spoken to womans aid a few weeks back and they did listen and agree that it is emotional abuse. I do feel like he still abusing me now because he constantly makes digs to me about his great new house he is going to buy and any decent person wouldn't do that would they.

No they wouldn't. Even if he doesn't want to stay married to you, you are a human being and the mother of his children and don't deserve his unpleasant, unkind and disrespectful behaviour. I agree it's abusive.

Have you started a CMS claim yet, get this done then HE can not mess around with money. Go for direct payments then it will be taken straight from his wages. He will try to pressure you to make a agreement between you but his has proven he will use money as a stick to beat you with. You need to remove this from him.

Why would you go to Italy with him, you not a family anymore.

later I asked him if he could have to kids for 2 nights whilst I go away alone because I need that space at the moment.. his response was 'oh abroad? Oh well if you want the trauma of the possibility of being raped or mugged in the likes of Spain etc go ahead'
Then I said no somewhere in the uk he said 'ok then I'll be taking the kids to Italy alone

OP please stop telling him what you are planning to do. IT IS NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS whether you decide to go abroad, stay in the UK, go to Mars or the Moon. Just stop engaging with him.
The only thing you guys should be discussing are the children.

The thing is (and as wrong as it is) you will never be able to rely on him for help with childcare for 'me time'. Of course divorced parents should coparent and support each other, but TBH that rarely happens.

Especially in your case, where he's so eager to thwart you. You need to grit your teeth and never ask him for help. He enjoys being able to look so sorrowful (or superior) and say "Oh dear me no, I can't do that".

I know it's hard. But you'll have to look elsewhere for that break or enjoy what time you can get when he has them.

And fuck him for 'look at your bank statements'. You need to make child maintenance first priority with your solicitor or with CMS. And as far as CMS, if it's anything like it is here (US), the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I know you still wish that you and he could "sort something out" about maintenance and seeing the kids, but that will be impossible.

You need to go through official channels - solicitor and CMS. There is no point trying to get him to agree and stick to it. He won't - in fact, he will take great delight in using it as a way to a) still have contact with you and b) fuck you about whenever he thinks your life might be getting back on track.

Sadly, I have seen men like this before - it is exhausting and dispiriting because you just can't fathom why they are being so cruel. "But this is what you wanted!" you think over and over again. "You were the one who wanted a divorce and to move out, and now you're getting it - why are you still so angry??"

There is no point expending energy on trying to figure him out. It is a whole nest of guilt and anger (at themselves and at you), a feeling of panic that they are getting older and this isn't the life they wanted and maybe that's your fault, plus good old fashioned misogyny. They feel that they have fucked up their lives and you become the focus of their bitterness.

It's horrible, but you cant control it or fix it, so just batten down, keep contact to the bare minimum, and look forward to the day when you are free of each other

christ what a toss pot this guy is.. does he really believe he has a right to see your bank statements.. does he fuck.. that's control right there.. you need to contact the CMS and fast lady

He's had the chance to sort out payments and sharing childcare between you and he hasn't, he's just goaded, threatened and controlled. So tough, get CMS and solicitors to sort it out. He might grumble and try to be awkward, but if he wants a chance to see his kids he will have to do what he has to do..

It's rare I'd think this, but I feel like you need to move away a bit, put a bit more distance between you and have a fresh start.

@Honeyroar I really so think I need to move away, I need that distance. I went To my mums the other day ( place I grew up) and I want to move back there but private rent is expensive. You are right, the Dave he's in my face constantly isn't helping me at all.

Moving might just be the ticket. Far enough away that spur of the moment jaunts aren't practical for him.

Look around your mum's more thoroughly. Even in expensive areas there are often pockets of less expensive rentals. Or the odd rental where a landlord charges less rent simply because they want a good reliable tenant. My DB has a tiny house that he pays about 60% of the usual rent amount for the area simply because the landlady likes that he's a quiet, steady, and tidy tenant. It's worth it to her to charge less rent in order to keep him there.

Am I allowed to ask him what time he is coming to see the kids. He said he will come this morning and see the kids but didn't specify a time. He's not here and I want to message him asking the time but I know he will go mad if I question him. I told him I wanted him to have the kids all day and night today and he wanted to know where I was going tonight if he had the kids because he had a right to know to make sure I 'come back'

Yes. In fact, say something like 'you didn't say what time you're coming today, so just letting you know that we'll be out from 12 o'clock' or whatever time suits you. You don't have to just wait around till he feels like showing up, or not.

he wanted to know where I was going tonight if he had the kids because he had a right to know to make sure I 'come back'

OK, your response to this is:
Do you tell me where you're going every night you don't have the kids? No. So why would I do that?

There is no reason you have to do this. If he then refuses to take them, say 'Fine, your loss of your time with your kids. And I'll remember this next time you want me to have them and fit in with your arrangements'.

Remember: there should be no double standard. He can't ask things of you that he would never agree to himself. That should always guide your response. Like the earlier guff about him wanting your bank statements - tell him 'are you going to show me your bank statements? Don't be ridiculous then'.

@Butterymuffin he said he's coming at 12 now. He said he needs to know where I'm going first before he agrees to having them. I'm like wtf? I told him I want to go on holiday without the kids and he said 'your trying to compete with me' so I'll never get that time to myself because he sees it as me trying to compete with him. I'll just have to accept that all I'm going to get from him is nastiness

I'm guessing he won't come as he wants to control you still, do you have a back up babysitter so you can still go out tonight.

There needs to be set times he takes the kids. You don't need to explain what you are doing in this time in order for him to take them.

He will continue to have power over you if you let him. He's a complete jerk.

You need to establish a timetable and stick to it. No more "I'm coming to tuck the kids in" if it isn't on the timetable. Not only is he messing with your head, but this all will be messing with their head.

Good luck 💐💐

He's now said he has plans to go out with his friend and it's been planned since Tuesday. See what he does? He makes plans and doesn't tell me his 'schedule' so I can't make a life

Taketwo, he didn't have plans since Tuesday, He made plans so he can stop you from going out.

Stop giving him the choice as to when he see his children. They need routine, not him turning up as and when he wants.

Do you have someone you can get to babysit for your tonight so you can still go out.

What did the solicitor say?

The only way to solve all this is to set things down in stone. And Aldo to prevent him seeing the children if he chops and changes times/days. Anytime he demands to know where you're going just say "nothing to do with you." Keep standing up for yourself and keep looking for ways you could move nearer to where your family are.

My BFF had this same shit. Waiting around for him to show up, not returning their son until all hours. It was all about jerking her chain and disrupting her life. So their divorce decision had to lay it out in specifics. He had every other weekend from 10am Sat until 6pm Sun. And it was specified that he had a 30 minute window for pick up/drop off. And a 48 hour mutual agreement clause for advance notice of change. Swapping of days by mutual agreement only. Even the holidays and birthdays had a specific schedule.

This meant that he had until 10.30 to pick up and if he didn't show by then the visit was cancelled (unless she agreed otherwise) and she was free to get on with her day. Can't count the times she and her DS would pop over at 10.30 for an hour or so just so she wouldn't be home in case he showed up late. Also, if he didn't drop off by 6.30, she could go get the child (with the police if needed). The 48 hour clause meant that if he wanted to change anything he had to let her know 2 days in advance. And if he was a 'no show' he forfeited any time that weekend. After a few months of kicking off and threatening, he realized that she was going to stick to the letter of the agreement and there was nothing he could do about it. It made her life so much easier.

There's nothing stopping you from setting up a schedule if you want, but you have to be ready to enforce it. But as I said in a previous post, you cannot and will not be able to depend on him for child-free time. EVER. Especially if you let him know it's something you look forward to.

I wonder if reverse psychology would work on him. Do you think if you made him feel you didn't want to be without the children he'd want to have them to spite you? At the very least, you need to make him feel as if you couldn't care less if he has them or not.

I'd also advise you to stop letting him know your plans as much as possible. I think for now holidays need to be as last minute as you can make them. Much better if he picks them up and you are able to call him two hours later and say "I'm out of town for the rest of the weekend. I'll be back at the house around 4pm Sunday" (or whenever). Right now his primary objective is to thwart you. Stop giving him ammo.

Is this mind games?

Yesterday he was texting me acting all concerns about me and when I said I'm not his problem anymore he said 'I still love and care about you, you have never been my problem, you are my wife' then saying he needs to evaluate stuff coz he has a lot in his head.

Then I just ignore those messages. Then this morning he tells me he's not coming to get the kids in the morning ( like he agreed the day before) and said he will come just after lunch.
I said no you will come on the time you stated or nothing. He then said 'I have personal stuff to do, I know you don't have any plans so I don't need to come'
But that's not the point. Why does he do this stuff? Is this just a typical narcissists mind games ?

It's to show you he's in control. He can chop and change and do what he wants, but you can't. So don't let him. Go out after lunch today so you're not there. The children need stability and not to be messed around so that's why he needs to stick to arrangements made.

I wouldn't text him back now. I would just not be there. You've set your boundary, just stick to it. And as for the earlier texts, I would just not reply to any messages that are about you and him. Only ever reply to texts about practical issues relating to seeing the kids. Any other enquiries about the kids (eg did they go to sleep ok) answer as briefly as possible - 'OK' or 'fine' to everything else.

What Buttery said. Leave. Fuck him and his 'I know you don't have plans". Going to the park is a 'plan'. Taking a walk is a 'plan'. So you DO have plans. It's time to start pushing back.

And I agree also with not texting him. You told him no, come at XX time. No need to say any more.

The other shit is all manipulation and trying to play with your head to get what he wants. It's also a way to weaken your defenses in case he wants to 'try it on' with you again OR to get you to say or do something that is not in your best interest. When he is his nicest, that is when you need to be your most suspicious and reserved.