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Original poster

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/08/2018 10:13

Would you annoyed at this?
So my kids came back from be park and said they sat with 'daddy's friend' and her kids. And they told me that he met her at work and he was 'shocked' to see her because it's been years since he saw worked with her. Now he's taking them to her house for tea tonight when my kids have only seen this woman and her kids in a park ONCE. I have never met this woman ever, he's never spoke about her when he did work with her and I know nothing about her. I'm annoyed he's taking my kids to a strangers house like that! Do I have a right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/08/2018 10:16

@ferrier he said he wants to do maintenance without involving CSA and that he would give me £100 a month. I know full well if I went to CSA I would get about £200 a month. He hasn't given me anything as of yet, I gave him a week to reconsider what he's prepared to give and to organise when he will pay me or else I will be going through CSA

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 01/08/2018 10:59

TakeTwo please go through the CSA. This horrible man has already proved what a master manipulator he is - your eyes have finally been opened to him - dont let him draw you back in.

Your children will realise, over the course of time, what he is like.

As far as the other woman goes, unfortunately he has already demonstrated that he will use the children and their feelings to get at you, to try and make you come back to heel like he wants. Its going to be really really hard for you but you will have to let this one go - dont ask the children about their days out with him, however much you want to know as you can bet your bottom dollar he will be asking them "Did Mummy ask about our lovely day/did you tell mummy about your new friends" etc etc

RivanQueen · 01/08/2018 11:58

OP I've just RTFT and I'm amazed at how far you have come since you first started this thread. I'm cheering you on from the side lines you are getting stronger and stronger every day. As well as what so many other PP have said rightly about how abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, cuntish your STBXH is he really does seem to be a sociopath and he is using your children as pawns in his sick little game of lets see how badly I can hurt/destroy TakeTwoOfThat. The comment you made up-thread about your 11yr old DD asking if daddy left because they aren't clever enough and the comment he made to your 2yr old DS about having a brother tells me he is saying things to them to screw with their heads just like he's been screwing with yours. He truly is a sick fucker.
Regarding your DC's meeting 'Daddy's friend' I don't think there's much you can do to stop that happening. If he was a normal person you could ask him not to introduce them to anyone new for X amount of time but he's far beyond the realms of being a normal person and I think he would take great joy out of knowing you don't want him to do that and going ahead and doing it just to upset you.
I don't have any new advice for you, just please please get in touch with a solicitor and CSA ASAP. This utter piece of shit is going to screw you and your DC's over financially. He knows how much he should be paying you and has offered you HALF! (wanker!) because he thinks you'll be enough of a door mat to accept that.
You're doing so amazingly well, taking back control one bit at a time, take control of this too. CSA, solicitor and divorce his useless ass.
Flowers for you.

Thebluedog · 01/08/2018 12:12

Go through the csa. It’s all recorded and done fairly. It may also help you if you ever wanted to get a mortgage etc as these payments are taken into account.

With regards to his new friend, just try and ignore it. My ex is like this, goes through different women like water. I just tell myself that I’m the stability in the dc lives and my ex is a twunt. Let him get on with it, as long as the friend is nice to your dc, just ignore.

About the house, my ex rents a lovely 5 bed house, on his own and works away most of the time. The kids love it there but their home is my pokey little semi detached. All their stuff is here and they call this home. They couldn’t give a rats arse how big the house is Grin

Nellia · 01/08/2018 12:24

Regarding csa Id suggest going on the site and doing a calculation based on his wages. With 5 kids I suspect you will be entitled to much more than £100 per month even if he was on only £16k per annum. Thats only £20 per month per child. Dont know where you live but that wouldnt even cover their school dinner payments in my neck of the woods.

Re other woman there is nohibg you can do. Just ignore she will never replace you as their mothet and given his behaviour if ahe has sense she wont last long enough to have any significant impact beyond highlighting that daddy is a poor role model when it comes to relationships.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 12:24

Just go through the CSA. What's the downside to you? You'll get the full amount he ought to pay and you won't have to hassle him for it. If he skips a month, they'll deal with it and not you.

He doesn't want to use the CSA because he thinks he can get away with paying less (half, apparently), and because it means you have to 'play nice' or he'll punish you by forgetting to pay, or having no money one month, or being late or, or, etc etc....

Butterymuffin · 01/08/2018 12:37

I'm guessing you are reluctant to go through the CSA as you know he doesn't want you to and you don't want to go against his wishes and annoy him. Just remember that he shows you no such consideration. Plus this is money for your kids, so don't let them have less to save his feelings.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/08/2018 17:18

Thanks everyone. Yes I have been reluctant to go through CSA because he will see that as me being 'nasty' he said me not letting him in the house to see the kids is 'nasty' and that passing them to him through the door is 'nasty'

He's not even given me money yet towards the kids, he thinks because he took them on Holiday that is him 'providing'
I've decided i will go through CSA because he doesn't seem too bothered about giving me anything. I feel really down today, I'm trying not to but it's hard. He seems to be having a great time, going out on nights out and doing his own thing, whilst I'm here pushing myself through with the kids. I guess I will have days like this. I feel like I need to talk to someone but too scared to see my GP Incase they think I'm wasting their time. Some days I'm great and strong but others just drag myself through. Think I'll have him for harassment as well if he carries on because my son was playing at the door ( daughter forgot something and went to get it) when he picked them up smacking his dads bum he smacked mine. I told him he has no right to do that And he said 'I'll always have a right' I need to make sure my daughters are fully prepared to go straight through the door next time so these things can't happen. I'm so grateful to every single poster who has supported me on this thread. You have all helped me so much xx

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2018 18:08

You're doing great. Flowers

Any boundaries you set with him will be viewed as you being nasty, because he expects to do whatever he likes unchallenged and for you to kowtow. Appeasement doesn't work, they just want more then. I'm glad you're going to go through CMS. Smile

Rebecca36 · 01/08/2018 18:32

Sling him out, change the locks, get on with your life!

Nellia · 01/08/2018 19:35

Echo what catagory12 said.

With regards to speaking to someone. Your gp will ask you to fill in a questionaire similar to the one you would have been given as part of your standard assesment with health visitor when kids where babies. Answer it honestly.

If wont be a waste of time as either it will help you realise you need help or that you are coping better than you thought.

You have come a long way in a short space of time but the seperation is still very new.
Feeling like getting through the day is a struggle is normal and to be expected. But if you are finding that you cant pull yourself out of it when it hits get support in finding the tools to do so before it gets worse.

Khaleesi0 · 02/08/2018 10:44

Just read this whole thread, you're doing brilliantly and I'm amazed by how far you've come!

I don't have anything practical to add except yes, please go through the CMS as he will use it as another tool to control. He's really is a nasty piece of work and I'm glad you no longer have him in your home, you can do much much better ThanksWine xx

hottotrotsky · 02/08/2018 12:05

Don't give this fucker ANY more power over you and your DC. Get through official channels to get what's due you. He'll only mess you around if you come to a personal arrangement..

He's "nasty" not you and must think you're still his doormat.. Show him you're not anymore but then you can bet anything he'll suddenly fall in love with you again in order to head fuck you a bit more. Beg to come back bla bla.

Be strong.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2018 14:50

So he thinks you're 'nasty'? Good!!!

Here in the US, the term "Nasty Woman" is emblazoned on T-shirts and is considered a compliment! It means you are strong, outspoken, and take shit off NO man.

SnowyAlps · 02/08/2018 17:08

Just read the full thread. OP you have come so far! It may not feel like it but you have. He may come across as having the better time etc, but remember you are spending it with your dc, that's times he will never have nor get back. You will be the one looking back with the memories. Your dc will look back at the memories of what you done for them when their dad left. You'll have the last laugh.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 02/08/2018 18:09

I'm sat here thinking and wondering why I let him have all the control over when he comes to see the kids when he is the one who left. He has been coming and going when he wanted and hasn't really allowed me to have a life because he comes for a few hours to take kids out brings them back so he can go have his single life and he hasn't allowed me to have any sort of life or consistency. Makes me do angry

OP posts:
Whocansay · 02/08/2018 18:13

Good! It SHOULD make you angry. This cunt is taking the piss out of your love for him.

And he doesn't want you to have a life. He wants to know he can wander back in when he wants to.

Please use the anger. Get legal, and for the love of God get some maintenance for your children.

And if he says you're nasty, so what? You aren't as nasty as some cunt who abandoned his wife and kids to fuck around and drink.

Clutterbugsmum · 02/08/2018 18:16

I'm sat here thinking and wondering why I let him have all the control over when he comes to see the kids when he is the one who left because he has trained you to jump when he tells you to.

You have to relearn that you have control over what you want.

Sounds like you are ready to do so, time to go to CMS and don't let him talk you out of it because once they are involved then he can't mess around with payments to you. As for seeing the children time to set days for them to be him and days they are with you. So you can move on with a new private life for you.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 02/08/2018 18:53

Yea I am very angry now. It's amazing how your mind just switches and you see that your getting took the piss out of.
Like tomorrow he said he wants To take the kids out. That's all fine but he then says he's got stuff to do in the afternoon so will only have them in the morning. How can I make plans in my life with no consistency and him having them a few hours and then bringing them back. He said he can't have them overnight because he has no where concrete to stay but Him having to control really annoys me. He's in Portugal on Monday until the Friday so I don't have to see his face for 5 days so I'm hoping these 5 days I can have. Break from his face.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2018 18:56

I'm sat here thinking and wondering why I let him have all the control over when he comes to see the kids

Because that's what he programmed you to do. It's slow and insidious, but they program us to anticipate their anger and do the thing that will avoid it. Like this:

He wants to do (or does) XX
If we say or do YY because of XX, he will get angry
His anger is upsetting and/or dangerous and must be avoided
Therefore, we do ZZ (give in or stifle our feelings) to avoid the anger

It's so easy to see it when you've been out of the relationship for awhile. But impossible to see when you're in it or newly 'free'. You'll need to unlearn his shit and learn to focus your own wants.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 02/08/2018 19:52

Sad thing is when I told my kids that daddy was coming to see them my 7 year old said 'why does he have to come everyday, can't he have a break'

I'm honestly shocked that she said that. I don't want them to become distant with their dad but it's him who left not me.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 02/08/2018 20:40

Start to set some boundaries that work better for you. So for instance, tomorrow tell him you'll be back at 2.30 and he can bring the kids back any time from then on. He will probably say he's got stuff to do, but you can tell him you have too. And make sure you're out of the house for the last part of his time so he can't just show up early.

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2018 20:48

I'd ask your 7 yo what made her say that or what was on her mind when she said it. There is probably some underlying stuff there - maybe that 'dads are busy and work hard, they need a break' that you would want to challenge, gently and appropriately, as something mums deserve too. It may be that she's echoing something she's heard him say.

SnowyAlps · 02/08/2018 21:17

Children pick up on more than you realise. X