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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 20/08/2018 13:13

Yes I've had enough. He's not turned up yet. This isn't fair. He only considers me having plans is if it's a doctors appointment or whatever. He doesn't consider me going out as having plans

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 20/08/2018 13:35

He does consider you having plans. Very much so. He hates the idea of you reclaiming your life, and is fucking you around to ensure that doesn't happen.

The only thing you can do to stop this happening is to formalise contact and maintenance as advised again and again. Otherwise this will go on and on and on........ It's never going to be fair. He's never going to be fair. And you have to stop hoping he will be. It's pointless.

If you ever want to reclaim your life, you need to stop expecting some kind of miracle where he turns into a decent, dependable man and father. And start accepting he's a wanker who is deliberately fucking you around for his own entertainment.

Clutterbugsmum · 20/08/2018 15:15

He will always assume you have no plans if you sit around and wait for him to arrive.

Go out, even it is to library / park whatever just don't be at home. If he complains just tell it not your problem he didn't turn up when he said he would. You had plans so you carried on your day.

Don't tell him what your plans were they are nothing to do with him.

Thebluedog · 20/08/2018 16:08

Please start putting boundaries in place OP.

Start to TELL him when he can come. If he’s late go out and take the kids with you. TELL him what time to bring them back.

If he asks what you are doing TELL him it’s none of his business.

Seriously he’s controlling you 100% at the moment and playing you like a fiddle

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 07/09/2018 19:47

I've not wrote on this thread for a while. Still just don't my things and getting by. Kids are back to school which makes my life that but easier with the routine and stiff. But he is still causing confusion and crap. He actually asked me if he could move back in part time as the place he's staying at he can only stay part time and otherwise he will have to sleep in the car and that it doesn't mean he wants me back, he just needs somewhere to stay whilst he gets somewhere permanent. Obviously I find this laughable. Just when I think I'm moving on he says Things like this. I want to start looking for work now, I think me having a job and some proper stability will help me even more. I think that's what is stopping me from moving forward the fact I feel 'vulnerable' in a way because I don't work at the moment and I feel ashamed for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 07/09/2018 19:47

Doing my things *

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 07/09/2018 19:57

Don't feel ashamed OP. You're looking for work and you've had your reasons for not working. I take it you've told him to jog on re wanting to move back in part time? 'Your sleeping arrangements aren't my concern anymore' would be my reply! Keep going, you'll get there (whereas he is looking like a right loser).

Babyblade · 17/09/2018 08:10

Keep going TakeTwo - finding a job is a great idea. Control the things that you can and ignore the things you can't (ie him).
Flowers

ICESTAR · 17/09/2018 12:59

I really wish op that you would take some of the advice on here. The minute you start standing up to him properly then the minute your life will change. Yes he will throw all his toys out of the pram but then it will calm. You're still letting him control you months on after you broke up. Get advice from women's aid on how to proceed next. Go to citizens advice bureau for free advice. Go see that solicitor. Ring the csa and get him paying what he should. Show him who is the boss of your life. Which is you! You can do this come on op. Well done on going for a job. You are doing good there. Flowers

Godowneasy · 17/09/2018 16:01

I notice that you rent your home. Is the tenancy agreement now in your name only? If not, I would try to arrange it as soon as possible. as then it isn't legally his home any more.

You still seem to be allowing him a lot of time to talk to you. Is this happening when he is is the home?

He will continue to bully, manipulate and control you, while you are letting him into the house and giving him the space to talk to you- it's quite torturous to read through this thread really as you haven't managed to get enough control of the situation yet.

I'm not having a go at you, and realise that he is very difficult, and that you have come a long way in the last few months. Maybe now is the time to get more control for yourself though, and get support from people on here to do it?

I feel that you need a written list of 'rules' for yourself to live by when dealing with him, that would strengthen your boundaries, and shut him down from talking to you as he does.

As Icestar says, you need to be the boss of your own life. He doesn't get a say in any of it. Tell him this too, as he needs to hear it.

Just start using that well known sentence on MN, and that is 'No, that doesn't work for me.' And Repeat!

Your life will be so much better once you have got better boundaries and allow him less control.

Don't feel ashamed by the way. You should be really proud of yourself for getting this far! It's a huge achievement! You are better off without this total arse in your life!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 29/10/2018 17:36

Ok, so I'm really distressed now. Please no one judge me, I just need some extra advice and don't know where to turn.

So father of my kids says he has no where to stay full time and wants to stay with me part time.. when I say no you should sort your own life out because you chose not to be with me anymore he said 'oh would you make your ex sleep in the car then like you used to kick me out' ( I told him to leave once during or marriage due to lies)

Then he said he wants to save for a deposit for a house for the kids and me and him to live in so the kids have a nice place to live BUT he doesn't want a relationship with me he just wants to provide them with a good house as he complains saying my house is council is a dump and it's too small because all my 4 Girls have to share a room. And making me feel bad about all this. I feel really distressed, I keep crying and I feel lien I'm back to square one. I know he's been messing around with other woman which isn't my business but why does he want to live with me and not actually be with me. He said if it wasn't for me he would own his own house by now and It's my fault we don't own our own house and he's my fault his life is a mess. I'm in so much distress it's unreal

I'm waiting on a waiting list to see a woman's aid outreach worker but it takes 4 weeks to wait and I'm allowed to sessions with an outreach worker but I can't cope right now

OP posts:
AdaArdor · 29/10/2018 17:57

Take a deep breath. You can cope. Are your girls happy? Maybe they don't mind sharing a room! He is emotionally manipulating you, he wanted to have this effect on you, that's why he's mentioned this. He is an awful partner, do not go back to him and don't believe the words he says. Just because he says them, doesn't mean they are true. Keep building your strength, being a good mum to your girls, and finding your happiness .

And f#ck him for saying that about your home. I'm sure your home is way nicer than any house he is in. And it doesn't even exist yet! He's shameless, pathetic and you do not deserve to be lumbered with him.

Stay strong. Do you have any friends you can talk to in real life?

MattBerrysHair · 29/10/2018 19:07

He's a snake and cannot be trusted ever. The only thing you can be sure of is that he wants to fuck with your head. Nothing he says means anything other than an attempt at more head fuckery. Ignore his silly suggestions and decline his offers of sex, living together, anything. There really is nothing to be confused about. The best revenge is to live well, and if you don't feel like you're managing that you can fake it while he's around. Dignity is paramount here in order to maintain a feeling of being in control of yourself.

Thebluedog · 29/10/2018 20:14

Please, just tell him to fuck off

iris81 · 29/10/2018 21:45

Does your area have a sure start children's centre? If so go there tomorrow and ask for support. They're brilliant.
That man is vile. You are a fantastic mum and do not need his approval or validation. I've read your whole thread and I hate him for what he's doing to you and your children.

Honeyroar · 29/10/2018 21:56

I'm gutted- I hoped you'd be updating that you were in a much stronger position and doing well. I can't believe he's been doing this to you for all these months!

No. He shouldn't move in and treat you like dirt in front of the children- no child should grow up seeing their mother abused mentally or work out that their dad is going out to see another woman. You need to be able to move on, you never will this way. I'm so glad you're on the list for woman's aid, gutted it's such a wait. I'd definitely try and speak to them before the appointment- you are still struggling.

Honeyroar · 29/10/2018 21:58

And next time he tells you your house isn't good enough tell him it's better than sleeping in a car, hope he enjoys that.

Godowneasy · 29/10/2018 22:06

Just keep telling him 'No, that doesn't work for me'
It's not your responsibilty to have him in your home anymore. Tell him to stop contacting you or calling at the house. Block him. Read through this whole thread again and remind yourself how awful he is.
Your life will be better without him

MoreHairyThanScary · 29/10/2018 22:38

He wants a foot back in the door to reassert control over you.

Did you get any further with freedom program? I think it would really really help you.

Please don't let him move back, your head would be well and truly messed up with him there 24/7 and he would be very quick to put you back in your place and point out your perceived flaws...you are no longer responsible for him, don't let him persuade you otherwise.

Please please please keep him out of your house. For your sake and the children's sake this would not be a good environment for them.

LellyMcKelly · 30/10/2018 06:22

His life is not your concern. It is not your job to facilitate his sleeping arrangements. He’s had 4 months to sort this out. Stop even talking to him about his shit life. It is not your concern. He is your ex. He is not your partner. He has a new girlfriend. Let him stay with her. He has no rights over you. Arrange regular times for him to see the children then communicate with him only by text and only about the children. Tell him that’s what you are going to do. Let him throw his toys out of the pram. You have to stand up to him or this will go on forever.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2018 14:23

Oh love, no. Just no. He is full of shit.

Have you given any more thought to moving away?

Please don't listen to him. And do remember what hell your life was with him.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 30/10/2018 14:50

Thanks everyone

I know he's not my responsibility anymore, he's constantly using the fact I kicked him out once in our marriage and seems to think he's entitled all the time. Keeps saying 'if I buy a house you can come live in it with the kids under my terms'
He's worse now than when we eye together.

@AcrossthePond55 I really really want to move away, that's been in my mind for months but I've looked around the area near my mums and it's just too expensive to rent privately. I am on the council lists but because there are others in needs as well the lists are long. I know there are refuge I could go into but where would I keep my things and where would I love after that.

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 30/10/2018 17:05

Why does he want to move back in with you? Is it so he can get access to child benefit/ tax credits etc. Can he not afford to rent a house or room on his wages? Sounds like you haven't got any spare bedrooms so where would he be planning on sleeping? If he hasn't got anywhere to stay then that's tough, it isn't your problem OP. Tell him you wouldnt want to live with him again, that you have moved on.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 30/10/2018 17:09

@user1471590586 he said he will not go rent a place ( he earns enough to rent his own place!) but said he wants to go a bit up in he world and buy his own house instead. Says I could live with him and the kids in this 'new house' but we would still be separated ( im like wtf at this) so he wants to stay with me part time and somewhere else part time ( probably another woman for all I know) and save money for him to buy a house so basically wants a hotel at mine for FREE and to pay nothing! He said the reason why he doesn't own his own house is all my fault because I didn't do anything and was just depressed and 'plodded along' I have given up my social life and a chance of a career to look after his kids so he wouldn't have to fork out for childcare! It's the things he says that get to me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2018 17:15

Well damn, I was hoping you'd be able to find a hidden gem near your mom.

All you can do is stand strong. And remember that it doesn't matter why he wants you to live in a house with him or why he does anything he does or says. All you need to know is that whatever it is is NOT in your or the DCs best interests.