He needs space

[confusedspace]

Perspective please

Have had a bit of a rocky road with my OH

He has been under super stress recently with work stresses possible redundancys etc and hasn't been himself

He's been snappy selfish and mean at times which made me question if it was me and his efforts with me went out of the window

Things came to a head which we have spoken about and cleared but he then dropped the bomb that he needs some space to clear his head because his behaviour isn't who he is and cannot treat me the way he has been he was geniunely upset by his behaviour

I asked are we on a break he said no
Are we still together he said yes

And that he loves me and my DC very much

He has also made sure he has booked the time off work to ensure he attends a function with me in August as planned

He has been in complete contact since the talk
Texting calling as normal i just haven't seen him or made any plans to this week

I'm just a little confused as to what to do next regarding this space I don't want to push him

Help

It concerns me that after a year of dating he claims to “love” your DC, particularly when you describe him as a “lone wolf”. Realise dating without bfs spending time with DC is very difficult and costly as a single parent, but given his personality and how he’s now behaving suggest having firm boundaries with regards to him and the DC, IF you decide to continue the relationship.

As for “space”, IMO that should mean that the relationship is over with no contact whatsoever, unless the person who instigated the breakup asks the other to get back together, which the person whi was dumped may or may not want! It’s not “space” with bullshit texts and phone chats, it’s a superficial and selfish “virtual” relationship at the expense of the person potentially being dumped.

It’s actually arrogant behaviour, to assume you’ll wait around while he decides if he wishes to see and be in a relationship with you.

That’s what I did - after seeing friends “on the string” - in a couple of relationships when bfs said similar to this - in one case we did get back together for another good year or so, but the relationships ended, essentially the bfs weren’t that into me anymore! Which hurt, but I wasted much less time by not tolerating this bullshit.

So many red flags now I'm reflecting that I don't even know where to start

I have woken up and don't even feel anything other than I don't want him anywhere near me

Almost can't even be bothered to end it because I don't want to listen to the manipulative bullshit

He will get the message
Cowardly on my part maybe

You're no coward OP, whatever you decide. You're a strong woman who's putting herself and her DC first, which is brave!

Do what is best for you but there is no need to rush. You are in control now, just sit on it and wait and see. As PP said, the actually ending can be an 'admin task' - let your emotions resolve before you speak to him or message him. Take your time.

Well he messaged

"Morning how are you today"

Replied
"Good thanks"

I won't be taking his calls and will reiterate that he wants space

OP I don't understand why you are now doing the replying/not replying dance. It's as though you haven't got the courage to just end it and are now being inconsistent. Whilst he is a dick and possibly deserves to be messed about, you are not doing yourself any favours here. You have now seen him for what he is, have realised all the red flags, and don't seem to want to be in a relationship with him-so why aren't you telling him?

Just text him a 'we are over' and reclaim your weekend (and ignore the inevitable flurry of comms). By relying earlier he thinks you guys are back to 'normal'!!

I don't understand what you're doing either OP. You say you want to end it, but are still engaging with him.....

I do think you're just stressing yourself out over this break, space, whatever he wanted to call it. He's making sure you haven't had a minute's peace since he declared "space". Constantly in your head.

I would just block his number and turn your phone off for the rest of the weekend so you can enjoy it.

I’m sorry to disagree but I don’t think it’s fair to hassle the OP to end it.

There’s no rush, she can take some time and space to end it when and if it feels right to her. No one is at risk here, it’s not as if he’s violent.

What VIOLET says

OP. I get that you're unsure. You've done a 180 turn in a day and this is your life. Someone you've been with for a year. From the timescale is it 20% of that time he was being an arse as stressed with work and treating you badly and you NC and now him wanting space?

What do you want from this relationship?

I would want a partner I would turn to in times of stress or worry not turn from and distance myself. A partner I could rely on. My DP always says "ah the days troubles melt away as soon as I'm home and hugging you".

Also, and this could be way out and one of those MN gasps of "how did you leap to that assumption" but here goes ... did you get a Claire's Law disclosure? Could he have abused someone previously and when stressed or angered knows he has to physically remove himself as he fears he may turn aggressive again?

That’s a bit of a leap!

I agree, no immediate need to end it, but I would argue that any contact is unhelpful to OP.

In OP’s situation I would personally regard the relationship as having been ended by her bf, and inform him that this was my interpretatation, since I would be unwilling to remain in a relationship where my bf was unsure he wished it to continue, and would inform him I was ending all electronic and phone contact. If he then visited me in person or wrote to me seeking to get back together - which may well not happen - I’d see what I thought and felt at that time.

I haven't engaged since left it well alone
He can do what he wants and I will do the same
I rejected his call told him I'm busy and that was that

He needs to understand he asked for space
Now he has it and I need space myself

I agree Violet only the op knows if she’s done with the relationship or not , I think a bit of head room and him realising you won’t jump when he tells you and you aren’t waiting around on him might be just what the relationship needs , or it might end things , if so just go with the flow and keep your dignity .

Definitely I'm actually calm in either outcome right now all I know is I need head space without him contacting me at his convenience

I don't feel anxious upset or angry actually pretty "whatever" if anything

It feels good doesn't it - being in control and not caring because you know you are fine and your priorities are in order. Good for you, have a great weekend with DC :)

Thanks you too and thank you so much for your help

Check in here when you get the urge to call him and maintain your boundaries. You've been thru one hell of an emotional roller coaster this week and you need to take time, take stock and make your decision like a cool headed badass woman

“Whatever”
^perfect!

Woken up after a night out feeling TERRIBLE about it all
I didn't cave in and message or contact

I'm blaming the drinks but I feel anxious and quite upset

Sorry you had a bad night. Yes, the alcohol will be contributing to feeling low.

It’s a sad situation, natural to feel upset.

Confused - Why do you feel terrible?

Terrible in a sense of that I feel sad

The night itself wasn't bad just feeling a bit low today

As a previous poster said the alcohol is probably accounting for that, your mind could be playing the “over analysing your situation” game today. Be kind to yourself, keeping busy always helps when I am in that mood along with writing a list of positives and negatives regards the situation.

Any plans for today?

Going to meet up with one of the girls for a bit I think

I was strong last night didn't call or text and just enjoyed myself

Today .. a little hungover nothing bad but I feel quite down