He needs space

[confusedspace]

Perspective please

Have had a bit of a rocky road with my OH

He has been under super stress recently with work stresses possible redundancys etc and hasn't been himself

He's been snappy selfish and mean at times which made me question if it was me and his efforts with me went out of the window

Things came to a head which we have spoken about and cleared but he then dropped the bomb that he needs some space to clear his head because his behaviour isn't who he is and cannot treat me the way he has been he was geniunely upset by his behaviour

I asked are we on a break he said no
Are we still together he said yes

And that he loves me and my DC very much

He has also made sure he has booked the time off work to ensure he attends a function with me in August as planned

He has been in complete contact since the talk
Texting calling as normal i just haven't seen him or made any plans to this week

I'm just a little confused as to what to do next regarding this space I don't want to push him

Help

I disagree totally in those saying that they believe there's someone else. Very unfair to make such a harsh,quick judgment

it doesn't always mean there's someone else. maybe you could ask him outright but I think the posters saying that there's definetly someone else is harsh. I've known friends who've taken a break from relationships bit there was never anyone else.

That’s what sprang to my mind AnyFucker!

There aren't any signs to say there is someone else sure his behaviour he has been tense and snappy but his work stresses have been horrendous

Oh god that's making me question everything 😢

My ex went odd like this. Pushing me away yet remaining somehow ‘normal’. We even went on holiday while he was like this. I tried to make the best of it, he kept a distance. It ended last year and I haven’t seen him since the holiday. I found out only a few weeks ago that the OW was lined up well before we went away. He was being ok to me, just, but also pushing, in the hope that I’d end it, I’m sure of that now. Avoiding confrontation maybe. It was very cowardly and very cruel. This is probably why others suspect there is OW, that’s my gut reaction.

I have asked him outright does he want to end it and he said no

I said do you want a break he said no

That he loves me and my DC and he's spoken as normal since that chat just haven't seen him and giving him some time to himself

After the outburst and row which sparked this discussion last week I went away for a few days and did no contact I was hurt by the way he behaved

He panicked and said he thought he had lost me and said he couldn't continue to treat me as he has and needs to sort himself out

I would also add that never ever in a million years would I have believed he was capable of behaviour like that. Just never. I’m sorry for you. I think he’ll shut you out until you end it

I offered to walk?
And said do u wanna leave it there
Ignored him for 5 days and let him have it
He was compliant with everything I said and agreed it's been his behaviour that isn't acceptable

Actually I think it's a relief to have someone realise they're behaving badly and remove themselves from the situation. I wish some of the other men discussed on this board would do that.

It's up to you now. It seems as though he's saying he's not the person he wants to be when he's with you. You've described him as a loner. Maybe he's just not suited to the kind of relationship you want.

It does seem a lot of work so early on. I think I'd suggest staying friends and not having a romantic relationship with him.

If he's calling you every day, is he still offloading his concerns too? If so, that's not on. He can't have it all. You can't be a relationship that is one way, you'll burn out.

Either he wants space or he doesn't. Please stop making yourself available for every single call. He's not nine and you're not his mum.

What do you want?

He has specifically said he wants to be with me as I do him
I've never been the needy or clingy type whether it be time with his mates lad trips or sport gym etc I have my own life too

He's been calling every day to check in on me my DC talk about our days and it's been very light hearted no offloading

His outbursts and his stress have been applicable to all areas including work colleagues from what he told me

I've encouraged him to goto the gym and take time for himself to relax as he is the type to bring his work home with him

His work stresses have been awful (he worked 80 hours one week) and possible redundancys restructures etc so I know he was worried
His phone from work is non stop even out of his normal working day too

Give him space and
you focus on you.

That creates a win win. If it all goes pear shaped...you've been focusing on you already

If it goes well...you've been focusing on you and you'll both come back refreshed.

Definitely agree with other posters about a timeframe and not telling him that he's on a time frame. Decide on how much space your comfortable with and stick to it (a week, 2 weeks, 4 or 6 weeks, a few months)

It's what your comfortable with and what keeps you balanced xxx

Thanks! That's good
I'm keeping busy with DC and friends this coming weekend
It's just so difficult to know what to think

This is a good resource for men, by men:

www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/work-issues/

They offer support by phone and webchat outside the usual 9-5.

Thanks for the link I may suggest it to him

I almost want to shake him sometimes and snap him out of it

Would you say it's a case of letting him come to Me?

Yes. Stay your lovely self, warm and loving HOWEVER

If you have days where your hurting or cross more confused....when he gets in touch...be honest. I.e if you don't feel like talking because your upset..,tell him that you can't talk right now because although your respecting his need for space but that it has an effect on you. Something like that but in a nicer way. If that makes sense

BUT
stick to your timeframe and what is comfortable for you. It's ok respecting his space but he needs to respect your feelings too

And remember to focus on you and your child and having the best life possible

Definitely agree with you there I'm jus confused as to what that time frame is and how long to give it

Also unsure what to say once I reach my timescale limit if he doesn't come round on his own
I am quite an anxious person

Oh dear OP - it’s hard for any of us to really know, perhaps there is someone else and he’s keeping you warm until he knows exactly what he wants. Maybe he does just want space - but it’s strange that he’s not seeing you, it makes me question what IS he doing?

His direct communication patterns haven’t changed with you, but have you noticed any other changes? Social media changes? Strange behaviour?

No nothing strange at all
Just really confused with the fact he's still in contact but kind of absent
I'm hoping it is him just sorting his head out
He's got a busy weekend with the lads
I'm out with the girls
I just don't know how long to leave this