He needs space

[confusedspace]

Perspective please

Have had a bit of a rocky road with my OH

He has been under super stress recently with work stresses possible redundancys etc and hasn't been himself

He's been snappy selfish and mean at times which made me question if it was me and his efforts with me went out of the window

Things came to a head which we have spoken about and cleared but he then dropped the bomb that he needs some space to clear his head because his behaviour isn't who he is and cannot treat me the way he has been he was geniunely upset by his behaviour

I asked are we on a break he said no
Are we still together he said yes

And that he loves me and my DC very much

He has also made sure he has booked the time off work to ensure he attends a function with me in August as planned

He has been in complete contact since the talk
Texting calling as normal i just haven't seen him or made any plans to this week

I'm just a little confused as to what to do next regarding this space I don't want to push him

Help

I get overwhelmed very easily. I sometimes need some space from DP. But even if I had already arranged and paid for tickets to something, I wouldnt be going! I dont need space specifically from (lovely, supportive) DP, but from social interaction generally. It would be my idea of hell after a 50+ hour week. 80 hours!?!?!

Im also a bit at why he wants so much contact with you and DC during this time. If he is genuinely stressed it wont be helping. And surely he didnt even meet the kids that long ago, you dont live together, why does he need to speak to them so often? Weird.

Needing space is fine. But everything else is off. He is now stressing you out!

Please don't feel down on yourself OP.
Just hold firm. (Ignore him for now. )
Have some fun time with the kids - movie on the sofa together - doesn't have be expensive.
Let him come to you.
And he will.
You must not run after him BUT
When he starts to 'chase' you - just don't run too fast - let him catch you.

You need to give men just enough rope.,,,,,
Let him miss you.
Stay calm and go about your business - this too shall pass.

From my past experience I'd say he was trying to keep you dangling by focusing on you wanting a family unit... You and my boys and the like when infact he wants to run as far away in the other direction, he just hasn't got the balls to say it. He wants to do it this way so you'll finish with him and the he has no guilt. It was all your doing.... You're walking right into it.

Wow some of you are cynical. When my partner and I were first going out he needed time every now and then. There was never anyone else, he always came back and he did still love me.

What was happening is he has depression and anxiety and if things got bad he’d get snappy then start beating himself up over what a shit partner he was and then think he should withdraw. He literally just needed time and support. It’s been s few years since he last did it, in fact he seems pretty happy right now.

I think I would be inclined to just carry on being normal let him have his time for a bit and then presume the worst if he just keeps you dangling.

I almost want to give him BOD but I'm at the point where I am constantly putting his needs before my own

After the way behaved during that row I thought he would pull his socks up not take "space"

It's messed my head clean up

OP, do you think he’s punishing you for having a row and asking him to pull his socks up ?

I put up with bad behaviour from my ex husband for years. After years of talking to him I finally sat him down and told him it was over if he didn’t act differently. Within days he walked in and said it was all over and left. He already had rented somewhere else . Our 15 year marriage was over in 15 minutes.

About 6 months later he came back and said that he didn’t really mean it , it was a joke ( yes he used that word, our 3 school aged kids weren’t laughing and neither was I ). He said he didn’t really want a divorce he wanted to punish me for telling him how unhappy i was.

He said “ I wanted you to stare into the abyoss and see how awful life would be without me “. He thought I would beg him to stay and promise to never complain again.

Bescially it was a control tactic to make me STFU.

Well guess what? After the initial shock I realised life was in fact much better without him and he got the divorce he didn’t suposedly want.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

I think this break stuff is a load of shite tbh

I agree with you.

The confusion would piss me off...but I'm not especially patient.

It's like being dangled. We all get stressed, but if his stress culminates in treating you badly....is he the one for you? Because not many of us have a stress free life and if this is how he deals with stress....I'd take it a warning sign.

1 year in your DCs life and he says "my boys" .... I'd correct him on that.

You are expendable. Nope.

He is using your children talking to them so much, end effect being an influence on you. Your dc do not have a say in your relationship-he wants to bend this so they do. Why? So you will put up with stuff you ordinarily would not put up with: Nope.

You are demonstrating relationship dynamics that your dc will think are normal. Hell No.

Words and actions do not line up. Says wants space but then does not actually take space- except for not seeing you. Needs a break from the world but still goes to concerts (which are huge bombardments to ones senses) Wtf, Mind games, double standards. Red Flag, nope.

He contacts you All The Time. That is engulfing (a control tactic). Red Flag, no. I agree this is him keeping tabs on you and making sure you are thinking about him (so you won’t be thinking about someone else). The cynicism is there because it so so often turns out to be true.

Him saying “my boys”...omg, that is such a manipulation far and above (or way below) just using your dc. Huge Red Flag. No No No.

“It has messed my head clean up”.
This is the benchmark you need to honor. It proves the relationship is not going to go the distance. You do not need to be able to present a dissertation on reasoning, feelings, socially intelligent interaction dynamics to validate yourself; and you certainly do not need his agreement on any of your assessments. Simply put: it is too complicated. You can claim a fundamental incompatibility- this is a no fault statement that even he can not dance around. The crying meltdowns are just cringeworthy displays of being a drama llama. No one has time for that, nope.

He's tried to call again I've ignored I don't even feel sad I've got to the OH WILL YOU P*SS OFF phase
I'm gutted I've allowed someone to treat me like this what a bastard

I, like many other pps, feel you are doing the right thing. What he's currently doing to you is cruel and unnecessary - especially using your DC this way.

I'm glad you've found your anger.

Hold tight, OP. There are loads of us here who have your back. He does need to know it's not ok to treat you like this. No need for hysterics. Just calm and strong for you and your kids. X

You don’t need to play games just be open and honest but certainly don’t be jumping to attention every time he calls , he was the one who wanted space remember not you .

Oh I'm angry .. furious actually

I want to end it

I don't even know what words to use to do this

Just take your time , let the anger subside and make a Rational and considered decision. Or just do nothing .

It’s your choice .

'HIS boys' w.t.a.f.????? Sorry that would be game over. So much wrong with that coming from a new boyfriend I would be fucking furious. When you do dump him be sure to mention your dc are not his property and do not need his drama in their lives. He wants space, good. Let him have it. Permanently. Cheeky arrogant tosser.

He said “ I wanted you to stare into the abyoss and see how awful life would be without me “.

OMG LOUISA that's quite an ego he had! I hope you laughed in his face.

Confused I've not caught up with the thread but steady...
don't respond, don't talk to him until you know you can do it calmly for a few reasons

1. If he's pissed you off, you don't let him know! Because floss him!

1. If the anger your feeling is fleeting and tomorrow your still wanting to be with him....you'll regret saying anything when angry

I'm angry at him for you!

So I wanted to calm down

So sent the text
"Busy day just chilling tonight now"

Straight away he calls

I don't answer

Sent him a message saying I am giving you some space and I'm relaxing tonight I've had a long day

He comes back with this is weird .. why are you acting like this

So I can't speak to you?

I asked him what he thinks space means

And got

" 👍🏼 ok" back as a response

Someone doesn't like tables turned

I'm giving him what he wants "space"

Don’t say “you want to end it”. That has a degree of ambiguity to it.
Say you are ending it. This won’t go the distance. It’s a waste of time (for you both) to stay together any longer, good bye. And end the conversation here. Hang up, walk away. If you don’t, then the next bit happens: you just don’t need this so nip it in the bud. It may seem like you are being a bitch, but no, having boundaries is not being a bitch. Looking out for yourself and dc is not being a bitch.

Then he will negotiate. This is not negotiable.

Then he will shame you on a multitude of things especially the effect on your dc...This is the point I would sever communications, hang up, walk away (don’t look back). No need to comment here, you are protecting them by breaking up. Again, you do not need to have his blessing-just let his verbiage float away to the stratosphere, and you remember you are not contractually bound to respond, or to even listen at this point.

One line that can be a pretty good conversation stopper is:
“Tell it to the next one.”
End of.

Well done OP. If I were you I'd turn my phone off and leave it off until as late as possible tomorrow morning.

He doesn't like the tables being turned and wants you there waiting for him to call, it's absurd - you are a busy woman with a full active life and he should be bloody delighted to be in a relationship with you.

You and your children are your focus and you need to get your own 'space' to work out what you want.

Honestly I would stop playing games and just end it. They’re not “his boys”. He’s got you dancing like a puppet on a piece of string.

Just end it now, tell him from the way he was in arguments to the way he’s treated you during this “space” you don’t think it’s right after all. You can do better.

Just stay silent. Strong. You need to do this.

Stay calm.
Sleep on it.
Let the anger subside.
Set your boundaries and let it play out.
Let him miss you.

Or break it off tonight, ffs.

This isn't good for you. X