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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He needs space

270 replies

confusedspace · 21/06/2018 09:48

Perspective please

Have had a bit of a rocky road with my OH

He has been under super stress recently with work stresses possible redundancys etc and hasn't been himself

He's been snappy selfish and mean at times which made me question if it was me and his efforts with me went out of the window

Things came to a head which we have spoken about and cleared but he then dropped the bomb that he needs some space to clear his head because his behaviour isn't who he is and cannot treat me the way he has been he was geniunely upset by his behaviour

I asked are we on a break he said no
Are we still together he said yes

And that he loves me and my DC very much

He has also made sure he has booked the time off work to ensure he attends a function with me in August as planned

He has been in complete contact since the talk
Texting calling as normal i just haven't seen him or made any plans to this week

I'm just a little confused as to what to do next regarding this space I don't want to push him

Help

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 09:11

Thank you nikephorus

I am a positive person in general and suffer with anxiety myself at times so it's refreshing to see that perspective

I know that he was almost perfect up until 6 weeks ago when the work stress started he even confided in my best friend that he was scared of losing me and DC if they relocated his work for a short time

His work load has been about 80 hours a week

He's been taking positive steps .. gym socialising with the lads but seems permanently tired
He has a weekend of lad time and I have one of girls time this week and I'm hoping it gives him some peace and quiet to think

I do love him ... and if I thought he was this callous person I would be gone based on my experiences with exes but there's something that's making me stay put

He said that the 5 days NC with me and DC hurt him greatly that he doesn't want to lose us both and he loves us and that he is taking the space to be who he is not this person

I did say to him I'm scared he will walk away and he said outright that to him that isn't an option and we are very much together
He won't be able to stay away for long

And here I am ... it's hard

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 22/06/2018 09:13

I think this break stuff is a load of shite tbh😊

He’s either with you or not. Needing ‘space’ is just a form of drip drip torture. If he needs his ‘space’ that badly tell him he’s welcome to it and to go.

I hate this self indulgent space crap from the male of the species. Just tell him to sling his hook.

L0UISA · 22/06/2018 09:14

I’d send him a text/ email saying it’s better for us BOTH if we have a break , give each other Space from any contact so that we can BOTH work on stuff and decide what we want.

I bet you he will come back straight away asking you if you are dumping him and have you met someone else . Telling you how much he loves you etc.

He's keeping you warm in case OW doesn’t work out. He wants to call all the shots.

“ I need space so don’t contact me but I can contact you whenever I want with no regard to how that makes you feel “.

“ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you but I don’t want you to date anyone else “.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 22/06/2018 09:21

I'm another who doesn't think there's someone else in the picture.

However, as he progresses through his career (assuming he wants to), the stresses and pressure will only increase.

Is he going to need to do this again at some point?

How does that work if by then you live together, or are married?
He won't have his own place to bolt to, so a hotel? For several weeks?

I think completely disconnecting would be a good idea. Then in a month, see how you feel. See how he is.

I don't think I'd want a future that might contain more requests for "space".

LiteraryDevil1 · 22/06/2018 09:27

I don't think anyone is enjoying stocking the boot in Hmm Sone people will have been in this position and are advising accordingly. Other woman or not, adults don't get to opt out of bits of life when stress happens.

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 09:28

I agree with the bolting at the first sign of stress and I have said this isn't something that can be a regular thing

I think i need to disconnect and let him feel my absence and that he only gets 100% of me when I get that from him

OP posts:
Buckingfrolicks · 22/06/2018 09:35

I'd say he feels things are going too fast and wants to take a few steps back

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 09:40

He's pretty honest never held back and I asked him if it's something to do with us and he said no

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 10:09

Is it wrong that after posting here I am starting to feel disconnected to it and actually angry and a bit of a piss off attitude?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 22/06/2018 10:14

Not at all. That's exactly what you need to feel. You've just realised after talking to us that he is taking the piss Flowers

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 10:16

I feel really stupid .... time to pull back who the flaming hell does he think he is 😠

OP posts:
2blueshoes · 22/06/2018 10:20

This must be really difficult.

I understand that it it would be a stressful time for him and this is a fairly new relationship.

I'd say to him that you need a little time too. You're 100% no contact, till he's ready to come back makes complete sense. Don't let him treat you this way. Just giving you crumbs.

I honestly would go no contact and put a time limit on how long his bit of space should be. He's treating you like a mug otherwise and you deserve better. 💐

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/06/2018 10:20

I don't hing that is wrong. You obviously felt something was up, from the beginning of this thread you have been typing conflicting info: you want to stay with him, he wants to sty with you but you were always asking how long should I give him?

The only answer to that is: as much or as little time as you feel you want to.

But, if you read back, you'll see that most poster, who have zero emotional connection with him, have said that they don't think this is right of him or good for you.

If you have disconnected and and are now getting pissed off with him stringing you along, then you have every right to feel that. And if the upshot of that is that you let him know that you no longer want to continue the relationship, then do just that.

You don't need an excuse, a reason, a deep and meaningful conversation about the whys and wherefores. You can simply tell him, the next time he makes one of his regular 'checking in' phone calls - by the way, to me they sound quite controlling, especially tell your DC he misses them... why? That just keeps you all mired in his emotions and, regardless of why he feels that way, you don't have to become a willing participant in his misery - nor do your children!

LiteraryDevil1 · 22/06/2018 10:21

Good going OP! Harness that anger and give him what for. Listen to your gut. Listen. I asked for a break from my ex as so many things were making me unhappy. But I said no contact in that time. I really thought I'd sort my head out and we'd be ok. But I realised I was happier without him and ended it. It was an 11 month relationship and he just couldn't cope with life's stresses and lots of other things. Sounds like you'll be better off without him. My LO is 3 and adored him but soon stopped asking after him. It's so much harder when you have children, even if they aren't theirs.

dustarr73 · 22/06/2018 10:24

It seems to me he wants to keep you dangling.
If he wants space he gets it.No ringing or texting you.

Plus why is he saying hes missing your dc.Its a bit odd.If you have been together a year,when did he meet them.

Its like hes using your dc as a reason to keep you on tenderhooks.

Motoko · 22/06/2018 10:27

It sounds like he's had a hell of a time stress-wise, realises that he's taken it out on OP and is trying to recharge his batteries by taking some time out away from other people. As he can't avoid work the only part he can avoid is his leisure time and that means not seeing OP.

But he's not taking time away from other people, it's only OP who he's not seeing, not his friends. It sounds like he's still having a full on social life.

OP if you're having problems this early in the relationship, it's not a good sign. You should still be in the honeymoon period.

I wouldn't put up with this. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 10:27

Totally I'm starting to feel like a puppet on a string
This isn't what I want or to feel on edge
He needs to sort himself yes ... but not at my expense and I'm not sure what he's asking of me is fair

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/06/2018 10:30

Of course it's not fair!

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 10:39

This is exactly it
He's making me feel like a mug
And I'm not happy with how he's behaving

OP posts:
shiklah · 22/06/2018 10:53

I think you need to take control. Tell him you don't want to hear from him at all but will meet him in 2 weeks for a discussion. By then you'll have had time to process it all and know how you feel.

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 10:55

How would you word it to him to say

We need to go no contact I'm finding It too difficult and confusing

OP posts:
Jenny1989 · 22/06/2018 11:07

Why do guys do this? Infuriating, ‘I need space’. Been there...... if they think that much of you and the relationship, why can’t they accept your support instead of leaving you out in the cold? At the expense of your mental wellbeing. It’s so very unfair. It only makes the return, awkward as hell and puts a different and negative feel to the relationship.

It’s so cruel x

shiklah · 22/06/2018 11:10

Ring him and tell him
'I can't carry on like this, it's confusing. You need space and I need time out to think what's best for me and the kids. Let's have a total break until Sunday 1/7 when we can meet at xxxx and decide what the best way forward is'

He'll prob cry and beg given what you've said. Be kind but firm.

' This makes no sense, you want space, have space, sort yourself out and when we speak on 1/7 we can decide'

And be very clear
'My priority is the children's happiness and well being. Your behaviour is confusing and it's affecting me. I need to focus on them'

Be very firm and don't budge. In my experience he may dislike it but he will have a LOT more respect for you from here.

LiteraryDevil1 · 22/06/2018 11:16

"Dear fucktard, I know you've had a really stressful time lately with work and need some time out but that time out only seems to apply to seeing me. You've said you want space but keep contacting me so aren't actually getting the space you want. That isn't working for me at all. Due to this I think it's best that we don't communicate at all during this period so that we can both figure out what we want. You can't just opt out of things when the going gets tough and I don't want to be with someone who can't cope with life's stresses and cuts me out of their life instead of treating me like an equal partner and allowing me to support him, as I would expect him to support me. I'll contact you in 2 weeks time to see how things are but until then it's best we have complete space. "

Or similar. Take the control away from him.

I suspect he will accuse you of wanting to break up with him, break up with you, or come running and be mr attentive. Stay strong.

Original poster
confusedspace · 22/06/2018 11:18

Would you say to leave it until Tuesday Wednesday as that would've been a whole week so therefore honouring what he asked for

OP posts:
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