He needs space

[confusedspace]

Perspective please

Have had a bit of a rocky road with my OH

He has been under super stress recently with work stresses possible redundancys etc and hasn't been himself

He's been snappy selfish and mean at times which made me question if it was me and his efforts with me went out of the window

Things came to a head which we have spoken about and cleared but he then dropped the bomb that he needs some space to clear his head because his behaviour isn't who he is and cannot treat me the way he has been he was geniunely upset by his behaviour

I asked are we on a break he said no
Are we still together he said yes

And that he loves me and my DC very much

He has also made sure he has booked the time off work to ensure he attends a function with me in August as planned

He has been in complete contact since the talk
Texting calling as normal i just haven't seen him or made any plans to this week

I'm just a little confused as to what to do next regarding this space I don't want to push him

Help

To add the conversation about space happened this week so it hasn't been long that I haven't physically seen him
He has contacted every day not to vent but just normal
but his work stresses and the change in him I would say has been for about the last month

Maybe it really is just work stress OP but it’s unfair that you have to bear the brunt of it.

Your OH sounds a little like my ex, he would withdraw and ask for space and then he’d be gone. I’m not trying to scare you, it probably is just work but have your wits about you.

Hope he comes to his senses and starts treating you properly OP!

This is the crazy thing

I said to him what does this even mean
He said in no uncertain terms that it isn't relationship with me and he sorted with his work the time off to attend an event with me at the end of August
He says it's his issues and stress he needs to sort and I'm the one thing he is certain of
I've allowed him to initiate contact and he has done ever since in his routine that he normally does
Still ensuring he video calls DC and calling and calling and texting as normal too
Just said he wants to get his head straight so he's not blowing up like he was
He even said that there's no way he could be without us for long
I'm just so confused the more I think about it
He's surely not getting space if he is contacting me

Maybe you can ask him to limit his calls to once or twice a week and his constant contact isn't helping you at all. Think you yourself and your DC first.

He called this morning

I miss you etc etc and to get DC to call him when he's up

It's just so confusing if nothing has changed contacting me via phone wise what has in person?

It's starting to make me doubt myself 😞🙈

He sounds sincere. Give him space. Don't always answer when he calls you, though. Maybe giving yourself some space? You seem very upset.

One thing is certain; don't let him get to call all the shots.

I couldn’t be doing with that at all OP. Why does he get to decide when you speak/see each other? Who put him in charge? He seems entirely focused on himself and describing him as a ‘lone wolf’ is worrying from the perspective of a relationship. I’d move on if I were you, I couldn’t put up with all the self absorbed messing around even if he hasn’t got his eye on someone else.

I'm keeping busy over the weekend lots planned in and most definitely not making myself as available to him by phone

He needs to feel absence right now although I may not be seeing him in the flesh he still has access whereas when I was away I went NC with him after the row which drove him crazy

Describing him as a lone wolf was more to describe how he is emotionally he shuts off doesn't speak to anyone about his issues not even family or his friends

He has come from unemotional relationships too where he never shared how he felt so he has struggled with how I am a caring and emotional person who wants to know that the people I love are ok

Whatever is going on in his head, do you really need this stress and drama in your life? Does your kid need it? You've known him a year, do not live together and you should be focusing your emotional energy on your child, not spending every waking minute wondering what your boyfriend is thinking/meaning/planning. Do yourself a favour and end it.

Also, don't let all of our differences of opinion bother you. None of us can accurately tell you what to do or say or feel, obviously! Try not to panic or jump to conclusions. Time will tell; you will know what to do. It sounds corny but your heart will tell you.

Well you have a natural time frame and that is until the end of August after this event you are both going to. Going to the event may help to clarify things for you as well.

And as for how to tell him? There is no need to worry about that now. Just keep living your life. See how you feel living without him, as if he is permanently not there. You may find that after a while you enjoy it and that it's you who decides to call time. And if and when the time comes, you may already know how to tell him or MN can help. No point working it all out now when you can't know exactly how you will be feeling in two months time.

When a man shows you who he is, believe him. Best advice ever given to me on here. You don't need this drama and neither does your child. You will face years of these episodes if you stay with him because this is what he will do every time the world gets too much for him.

I'm sorry but if you have only been together for a year, this sounds like a whole lot of angst for you and your dc. Why should YOUR dc call HIM? Seriously? He asked for space, so give it to him and please don't get the kids involved in his dramas. For a fairly new relationship he seems like a lot of hard work and is causing you upset and confusion, personally that would end it for me.

I think I'm struggling with why his telephone contact hasn't changed yet he needs space

It's confusing
Self esteem wise it doesn't make me feel very good even if he is saying it's nothing to do with me in any way

I am going to back off I think

What should I do in regards to his calls or texts or the fact he's in regular contact

I'd leave them unanswered. Tell him he wants space so you're giving him space. I suspect he's chafing someone else or unsure about your relationship.

Chasing!

This is the crazy thing I have given him the opportunity to walk and calmly
He has specifically said it's him .. his temper and the way he is coping with work issues
I did NC for 5 days and went away and he turned up here super upset and asking for me to give him space to work through his issues because he can't treat me the way he has

Since that point contact (phone) wise he hasn't left me alone I haven't initiated at all

As Literary suggested, next time he calls, texts etc, just say he asked for space so that is what you are giving him and that includes zero contact. It is simply not fair on you and your dc to be expected to dance to his tune. He can have space to grow up a bit and deal with real life stuff that we all experience.
I suspect though as soon as you assert boundaries he will come back being full-on, and that might be a good opportunity to question why you are allowing you and your dc to be treated like this. Good luck, op.

Every single time ive seen this happen, the man ends up leaving the relationship ( because he’s just “too stressed” , has too many “issues” ) and then miraculously within days he meets someone else and within weeks they have moved in together.

I think that he’s still in daily contact with you because:

1. He’s keeping you on the hook, to make sure you don’t date anyone because “ you are not on a break “. Even though you clearly ARE on a break.

1. He feels guilty about cheating on you so wants to be “nice” to you to make himself feel a little better. I suspect that’s why he’s been snappy and off with you.

1. He wants to tell himself later that he “ tried “ to make it work, and that he didn’t just walk out on your and your kids.

1. He enjoys the emotional support that you offer him.

I hope for your sake that I’m wrong, because you obviously care for him a lot. But I don’t think he’s a keeper. And him saying that he loves you but doesn’t want to see you says it all.

Because life is stressful and most of don’t get to walk out on everything when it is. I don’t know ANY mothers with young children who work LESS than 80 hours week. And yet none of them get to opt out.

He’s never going to be able to cope with normal family life and work without putting you all through this drama. I know others will think I’m harsh but your first job is to look after yourself and your kids.

Sorry.

it’s strange that he’s not seeing you, it makes me question what IS he doing
Probably just trying to have some quiet time at home switching off and not having to interact much. It sounds like he's had a hell of a time stress-wise, realises that he's taken it out on OP and is trying to recharge his batteries by taking some time out away from other people. As he can't avoid work the only part he can avoid is his leisure time and that means not seeing OP. But as he's committed to her he's still maintaining contact, just not wanting to meet up and have to be putting 100% of himself into it when really all he wants is to focus on himself for a short while because he's not had time for that recently.
I'm knackered from interaction & so I'm taking this coming week to myself and avoiding anything social - I don't think that's made me very popular with someone but I need it as I'm already struggling and if I don't get a break it'll only get worse. Everyone needs time to themselves - he's doing his best to get that while still trying to be there for OP. Just give him some time.

I asked specifically are we on a break and split and he said no

That me and DC he is sure of its him

And ignore all the posters saying he's stringing you along. That's bollocks and they obviously don't understand anything about mental health (and enjoy putting the boot in!)