Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

Look after yourself first op. You deserve much better!

Whatever he says, you are not to blame for his problems - they predate your arrival - and you can't solve them. He needs that professional help. Therapists can go home and rest afterwards... you have no respite. What happened to him is really sad but your role in life is not simply to service and repair him.

However you rate your own needs, (it is not selfish to consider them - it is survival) do the needs of your children come before his?

Think about the kind of childhood you want for your children. Looking after them IS one of your roles in life and you can make life better for them.

He is not being a good husband to you . Is he able to be a good father to them? It does not appear so.

This is absolutely heartbreaking - I bet the reason there has "only" been 15 incidents in 20 years is because you've spent every day of those 20 years being on red alert policing your behaviour to try and not "cause" another one, am I right?

I’ve had severe chronic depression for 20 years and have contemplated suicide more than once. This man is an abusive gaslighting bastard, one of the worst I’ve ever read about on here.

I hope you find the strength to leave him and I wish you so much luck with making a new life, free of guilt and self-blame. He needs help and you deserve happiness.

Just to echo all the good advice you've got; you need to make plans for leaving.

Also - my ex husband also had mental health problems and also disappeared for hours at night time, saying he was taking a cycle or walking so he could think things through. It was also my fault he was in this position, largely because I didn't have sex with him enough. I'd lie awake anxiously worried about him.

Guess where he really was? Yep, at another woman's house shagging away.

He's the one being emotionally abusive not you

Leave. This isn't a mental health problem. He is abusing you and I never say that lightly.

Please please get out of this he's not just got MH issues he's absolutely and totally abusing you. You're worth so much more than this, as are your DC x

Wow this is one of the worst things I have read on here. He is unbelievably callous and evil.

Sending you all the strength in the world OP.

And to break it down simply: he is threatening suicide because you denied him sex.

OMG nobody deserves this treatment ever. Leave asap take your children stay with friends, relatives.... anyone! If you lived near me I'd put you up. You deserve so much more as does your children. You will NOT miss this excuse for a man. Fantastic support ladies great to see it with the exception being R Walker who in my opinion made the only "twatish" comment on here. Seriously R Walker what planet are you on????

OP are you ok?

I hope op comes back ☹️

Oh my gosh op, I cannot believe how appallingly he is abusing you.

See a solicitor and please please get rid of him.

Wishing you luck and strength

OP I "only" was with my hugely abusive (older, by 10 years than me, started a relationship with me when I was 15, married at 18) first husband for a total of 6 years from start until I left him aged 21. He did this sort of shit as well. All the MH stuff the "I need sex to make me feel better" etc etc. Add in violence, drugs, rape, financial abuse, coercive control, you name it he did it.
It has had a huge impact on the next 40 years of my life. I'm my 60 s now and it's affected everything since, to some degree. This, despite a very happy second relationship of more than 30 years. Adding in raising a daughter now an adult but recently diagnosed with SN (finally), and as a result I reached breaking point recently.

I'm now finally having councelling and therapy after all these years.
I can trace pretty well all my issues and problems and lack of boundaries which we discuss to first husband abuse, which was horrific. On a par with what you are experiencing.

Please, get out now. Please. Don't spend the next 40 plus years of your life being blighted by this stuff. It's him, not you. You only have one life, don't waste it on him.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry your going through this,

My XH was exactly the same childhood issues etc... the issues only came out while he was having an affair (I didn't know at the time).

I know people have tough times but for me anyway alcohol was a huge part and he used it as an excuse to drink loads and have an affair because 'I didn't understand him'.

You can only help if he wants it, it is not your duty to put up with it till he is is a place to deal with it. He's a father and can't just disappear. Yes take some space but no!!!! Not just walk away from the door when he can clearly see you've been worried. That stinks of guilty conscious to me.

Let us know you are ok OP
I keep thinking of you and hoping you can be brave enough to get away from him with your kids.

Hi all!

Sorry for my silence yesterday - I felt so overwhelmed with everything I needed some quiet time to think and then my friends came over in the evening.

Things are calm. He's mortified and apologised and the atmosphere is better. I know this is temporary and it will happen again but I'm going to use this quiet time to work out what I need to do and how - and get a plan together rather than react and rush.

My brother is coming to see us for the weekend so I'm really looking forward to that.

Just wanted to thank every single one of you for your amazing support and kindness on here. It's blown me away!

Will keep you posted :)

Enjoy the weekend! Gorgeous weather!

Keep safe op.
Remember if they were bastards all the time you wouldn’t have stayed this long. He knows the game to play.
Yes it’s harder to jump into the unknown, then stay with what you know. But I promise when your ready to jump, it’s great on the other side.

Has he decided to behave reasonably, apologised etc because you have a visitor and he knows his previous behaviour is unacceptable?
I don't often say this, but he is very abusive and gaslighting you and he needs to leave. I would take advice about buying a house with him, it might be worth picking up the costs of backing out to simplify separation. Like pp I would suspect another woman is on the scene- either actual or he would like her to be.
Are you sure he is really having counselling by the way?
Please take care of yourself and DC

Op my ex was so very similar and it's actually been helpful to me to read the responses to you here and see how shocked people are by such bad behaviour.

My ex had been abandoned by his parent as a three year old. It devastated him. I met him at a vulnerable time in my life and although I knew he was abusive from near the start and I couldn't save him, he still sucked me in. He was so kind and gentle and loving when he wasn't being abusive.

He would cry and be so sorry and say his behaviour came from a place of trauma and I'd feel so sad for him because he was trying so hard. But he was so controlling. It got to a point where once he went to the kitchen when I was in the bedroom and he heard me just get out of bed to put something in the bin (middle of the day. I was ill) and that was enough for him to fly into a rage because it was proof I must be sleeping with my brother in law (?!!). Apparently I was making a secret phonecall to him with my partner being out the room. His paranoia was so random and completely extreme. Any smiling or talking or making eye contact with other men meant I must be sleeping with them or wanting to.

The thing that helped me was a)there was suddenly a clear escalation and I could see I was increasingly in danger around him and b) a wonderful therapist with nearly fifty years experience told me people are pretty much incapable of change. The tiniest, tiniest minority of abusers ever manage it. Their patterns of behaviour are too entrenched. It's hard walking away from someone who is saying to you that their flaws come from horrible, traumatic experiences and you love them and see the good in them. But your husband is abusing you. And making you feel sorry for him to boot. He won't ever change. It's only a matter if time until this all kicks off again.

I'm so, so, so relieved I am free of my ex. His behaviour was terrible. He harrassed me for 2 years after we split up, trying to wear me down so I'd go back to him. This was despite me blocking him every which way I could and not engaging. I'm still unpicking the damage done but life is so much happier. I'm not walking on eggshells anymore.

Lots of people are insecure. Lots have had trauma in their lives. Not everyone goes on to abuse their partners.

He recognised a change in you - that he had pushed you just a touch too far this time and so is dragging it back- being ‘mortified’ and being all nice so you got suked back in.

All that tells you is that he CAN control his behaviour if it suits him.
The things he said to you and the way he acted towards the person who clearly loves and is a huge support to him was unforgivable IMHO. It paints a picture for a man so caught up in his own issues that he relieves they excuse his abuse of you. And of his children. Because don’t kid yourself that he isn’t abusing his children by behaving like this because he is.
His total lack of insight that he feels abandonment of him as a child excuses him doing exactly the same over and over again to his own kids is awful.

I can imagine walking away feels like the last thing you want to do. Sadly unless you do I think you are heading for a lifetime of escalating abuse and a fair bit of misery.

Take care OP and thanks for letting us know you are ok.

You'd hope that he'd be mortified enough to never bolt out the door again when the going gets tough ie you say no to him!
You'd hope that he's so ashamed of how he treated you and how he accused you of being the problem to recognise he is crushing any love you have left.
You'd hope his new found self awareness starts kicking in and he no longer uses you as his comfort object disregarding your needs or wishes!
All of the above is doubtful to be honest considering how he was able to switch on and off his man tantrum so easily!!

He is acting like a badly behaved toddler "I want gimme.....it's all your fault" runs away .....returns with bottom lip out " I'm sorry please love me"

the only problem is you aren't his mother and he's a grown man and a parent who abuses his wife's love and support and repeatedly abandons his dc! This is no way to live and Op you deserve better and your DH needs to recognise this repeating destructive pattern on his own!