Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

Just saw ur post. Glad to hear he's safe. Hope you can get some sleep now.

Obviously a bit tired myself: I see he walked away.

Thanks all for keeping me company and sane tonight! I really don't know what to do for the best.

I can really talk to friends or family as it's such a personal and sensitive subject.

I am in emotional hell some days.

Will try and sleep but I am so worked up right now I don't think I can!

Whoops I meant I can't talk to family and friends. It's so lonely sometimes...I think he thinks I can fix him but I'm not sure I can...only he can do that with support from a counsellor and me.

People can have mental problems and also be an arsehole, the two are not mutually exclusive.

For whatever reason he is punishing you, and you are both suffering from the same delusion, that you cannot be angry because he is ill. That is wrong. He doesnt get to treat you like this, mental illness or not.

I would be telling him that if he ever does this again then he will be locked out, moving out and staying out until such time as you feel you can trust him again, if ever. And tbh I dont think he needs counselling, but full on therapy.

Thanks! That's true. He's seeing a clinical psychologist - is that therapy? Not counselling?

Thing is he's so vulnerable at the moment I have to tread so carefully. Have realised if I am too harsh that just pushes him away and makes him worse. I'm trying to keep things calm whilst he has his treatment for the sake of our 2 young DCs.

OP get the words and feelings out of your brain onto paper or type in your phone notes. You can’t forget them that way and you will be able to sort through the various emotions tomorrow. That should help you to sleep. Can you go to a spare room so that he can’t disturb you when he comes in. Serious talking to be done tomorrow this is emotional blackmail and he needs to pull his socks up or he’ll squeeze your love out of you and you’ll have no choice but to end your relationship

Thanks Passing. He'll probably sleep on the sofa. That's what he usually does then goes out again first thing before me and the kids wake up and then they are left wondering where he is and I hate lying (I usually say he's gone to get some milk or a paper!).

This thread will really help! I can look back on it tomorrow and it will help me. Thanks all x

I don't think its attention seeking but from a similar experience with ex I would say its extreme self-pity. And as such very selfish. And that's not from a personal position without experience of depression/stress: I've been in some dire situations where I've been worried to death and even considered death but have NEVER considered that the harm it would do to my loved ones would be worth it.

I really want to take him to task on this but I know if I do he'll just storm off again for hours and hours and I don't want that to happen!

I feel so lonely I could cry.

I am just coming out of five years of clinical depression and I will say this, without a doubt: He might be depressed and suicidal but he is also an utter dick and a drama queen.

Does he have anywhere to stay? Might it be less stressful for you both for him to move out for a little while. To remove some life stress for him, get some joy back in your relationship with "dates" where he only has to be on form for a few hours....and importantly to relieve you from some of the stress. Or would it mean more stress for you? I guess it depends how much he is currently able able to help out....

Handy how it's tied into sex op.

Do you ever have sex with him to 'make him feel better' ?

This sounds really hard for you OP.

I don't know if it is any help but I've fostered children who (like your DP) have had very difficult starts to their lives.

It seems that quite a few react to their early experiences and become 'bolters' ; so when under stress they just run away. The stress doesn't have to be at home and they are not punishing the people they live with (though it does feel like this).

Apparently, it is a reaction to unbearable pain/fear/distress (the 'flight' of the fight or flight reaction) and can be triggered in all sorts of ways.

I don't have a solution but am sure that your instinct to be loving and not angry is the right one.

It is unlikely that your DP wants to hurt you and he will understand that he is doing so. (The trouble is that your pain could be part of what he then flees from. )

I do wish I could help with the worry and pain of waiting.

I wondered that @BastardGoDarkly

Oh OP, how horribly stressful for you.

I understand that you are trying to support him in his mental health struggle but I would suggest that it's time to take a step back and ask yourself whether you can really do that at the moment and also be fair to yourself and your kids.

Storming off for hours on end and ignoring you is unacceptable. Making vague suicide threats is unacceptable. Your mentions of him "craving sexual intimacy to make himself feel better" and sulking when you say no to sex sound a lot like coercion to me.

It certainly sounds like he has issues, but honestly if this a regular pattern of behaviour, it's unhealthy for your children and you, and you need to give yourselves space to build a healthy family environment that he can rejoin when he's going to act like a decent partner and parent.

The children I've known to 'bolt' have turned to all kinds of things to help with the pain they suffer inside. (Drink/drugs/sex.) The running - with all its distractions (danger - fear - worry about people at home) is a pain that replaces the one they can't cope with.

He’s punishing you yet you have done nothing wrong.
How does he feel about making you feel this way? And what about the dcs? Does he know they’re worried too?
Mental health issue or not, you shouldn’t have to put up with this.
It’s a lose /lose situation for you because you feel you have to tread on eggshells for fear of upsetting him and if you do call him out on anything he’ll emotionally blackmail you anyway.
You must be exhausted but you need to start looking after YOU for the sake of your kids at the very least.

He sounds controlling and emotionally abusing, he strops off like a child when he can’t get what he wants and hints at suicide to make you panic and worry, you’re walking on egg shells around him I bet.
This is abuse OP, he’s abusing you emotionally. Disappearing in order to frighten and control you is the behaviour of a total and utter prick.

I don' t think that this kind of internal damage is something that can be reasoned away. As you said - you could see in his eyes that he wasn't reachable at the point he ran off.

It is very good that he is getting medical help.

You do need support too though. This isn't something you can carry in silence long-term.

While it's good that he is getting help for his issues I agree with other posters that mental health problems do not excuse his behaviour which from what you've posted sound abusive and controlling. If he does something like this again phone 999 and let the police deal with it it's simply not fair for him to put that worry and responsibility on to you.

If you carry on like this you're going to end up with mental health problems yourself which will not be good for your family. I would ask him to leave until he sorts himself out and can behave like a decent partner and father

Thanks everyone. He's back and lying on the sofa. I went down to see him and talked to him gently and kindly and told him I loved him and would support him through it. I cuddled him and stroked his hair and did it help! No! He turned his back on me and put his hands over his ears. He completely ignored me. Hasn't spoken a word since he got in.

I've told him I don't want him to bolt in the morning before the kids get up because they will know something is wrong if he's not there again. Completely ignored me.

I've come back up to bed. I don't know what do to. We are moving house in two weeks - about 20 miles south from where we are now. I'm so really really worried. And I'm on edge. My nerves are shot and to answer your question yes sometimes I do have sex with him to make him feel better.

And thanks too goodasgdilox it helps to hear that his response is actually quite textbook normal for someone who has experienced childhood abandonment. I just wish he wouldn't shut me out.