Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

I just couldn't put up with this kind of behaviour. I lived with someone who had a serious problem with depression but if he had treated me like that I would have walked out.

And of course it's different if it's a child. He's not a child, though. He's attention seeking and abusive and you are paying the price for this.

I doubt you'll take any notice though - you do seem to be in enabling mode.

Fine Harry, I have reported my post and asked for it to be removed!
I hadn’t realised we had reached the stage of calling op’s husband abusive, by the time I finally wrote my post the thread had moved on!

I cuddled him and stroked his hair and did it help! No! He turned his back on me and put his hands over his ears. He completely ignored me. Hasn't spoken a word since he got in.

You are mothering him.

I recognise this, I used to be in a relationship like this. I never did fix him. I wasted many years learning you can't fix people. In fact you are almost certainly part of the dynamic. He is treating you appallingly and you are giving him a free card to because he's "ill". You are giving him unconditional love, hoping more love will fix him. It won't. It's enabling him and screwing you up.

Having sex with him to make him feel better is likely damaging you.

He needs help, yes. But not from you, from professionals or friend's his not in a relationship with.

Look up co-dependency.

This really, really sucks. Yo are basically a nice person who's in out of your depth right now. You have learnt being nice to people and loving them is the way to fix things. It isn't working, so you've being more nice. Please recognise bending over even further backwards is going to make things worse rather than better.

It's unfortunate you have met someone who is taking advantage of your good nature. Your natural instincts to be understanding, in this situation, are damaging you.

You need to woman up, get some counselling for yourself, and take steps to leave this man.

You may not want to hear this now, but there is life after this relationship. There is a future in which you and your kids are happy, and it almost certainly doesn't include you and your DH together.

He is squashing you, stifling you, manipulating you and stripping you of your autonomy. His illness does not excuse this. It is unlikely he is to get better and suddenly start treating you with the resect and love you deserve. There is a need in him to reject your love, and you can't fix it with more love.

Please, start putting yourself and your children first and seeing this man for what he is. He is someone you were unlucky to end up tangled up with. He is not who you thought he was. He is damaging you and will continue to damage you until you pick up the courage to leave.

Please, try to tell someone in real life what is going on. I also hid my exes behaviour. But when I started telling people, it was like I broke a spell that keeping me quiet. It was OK, the world didn't end. It was a relief to bea ble to talk about it.

We're buying 😔 and I don't want to split the family up. It's such a mess.

Your children are growing up in a toxic environment.

This environment is also incredibly toxic for you.

You matter. And if you can't find it in yourself to put yourself first, then think of the masks on panes analogy. In planes, parents are told to put their own oxygen ,asks on first in an emergency landing, because if they put their kids first, they may pass out before saving themselves, and they're not much use to the kids unconscious / dead. So, they need to make sure they're fine, so they can help their kids.

Your DC need you to be mentally well, to be there for them over the years. This environment is damaging to you. This man is damaging you. Recognise it and take appropriate steps to get yourself out of it.

You need to woman up and accept that this is not - and will never be - the relationship you want it to be.

No one wants to split their family up. But sometimes we recognise we have to do it as it's the least worst option.

Stop clinging on to something that is not real.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I had to learn the hard way and I hope you will save yourself from wasting yet more years.

You are holding onto a rising balloon. Sure it'll hurt if you let go, but then you'll be free. The longer you hold onto the balloon, the more it's going to hurt when you let go. Be brave.

It's interesting that he's suffering from childhood abandonment but is running off and leaving his own children all the time.

And it's interesting that the cure for childhood abandonment is sex. I've never heard of sex being a cure for anything.

I really sympathise with what you’re going through, OP. I had an ex like this. Nothing I did was right. If I talked to him gently and try to comfort him in his despair, he’d respond like your partner. He’d ‘flee’ at the drop of a hat and I’d worry about him terribly. He’d been suicidal in the past and I’d be in bits not knowing where he was or what he was doing. If I called the police he’d be furious with me. One time, when he had to go to A&E, he just became a different person and lied his way through assessments. He lied to psychiatrists. Or maybe it was me he was lying to, and he was actually fine.

I agree with PPs that his behaviour is abusive. The sex issue is ringing alarm bells for me because it’s coercion. He’s making you responsible for his mental health (as my ex did) and it’s NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It’s going to make you ill, all this worry. I suspect the reason he keeps doing it is because he’s trying to push you to your limits to see how much you care. It’s manipulative.

If he’s seeing a psychologist then he must be under a MH team? Contact them and explain the situation, emphasising its effect on you and the sexual coercion.

Does he have family he could stay with for a week or so? You need space to breathe and to think about you.

What was he like before he became depressed? Were there any issues with control / manipulation?

Hi OP, just chipping in with practical point of view...

Totally different circumstances but we recently moved at a time that was very stressful already.
Moving date crept up on us and suddenly arrived and I ended up having to pretty much do it single handedly whilst looking after DC.

It will probably go down as the nost relentless, stressful thing I've ever done.

If your move has to go ahead, I think you should stop pouring your energies into him and start focussing on this. Act like you'll be doing it alone. Leave him to it because you've only got two weeks and are already exhausted.

Jesus why are you putting up with that. Youre making abusive behaviour sound like a mental health problem. Hes abusing you

Your kids are seeing this. Put them first

Thanks all for your responses. There's a lot of really good advice here so thank you.

I've dropped the kids at school and now sitting in a coffee shop reading this through again and collecting my thoughts.

He did go out early this morning, as predicted so I had to lie to the kids again when they asked where he was.

I'm feeling conflicted and confused and devastated - and angry too.

Thanks for all the links too - am sitting reading them now.

My focus today is carrying on with moving prep. I'm not sitting waiting - which is really empowering.

As an extra thing a stranger just congratulated me on my pregnancy! I'm not pregnant just bloated today!! but it was so awful, in front of a shop full of people and I was so mortified and flustered I left without paying and had to be called back!!!

So humiliating! Feel like sobbing. It's broken me.....

My focus today is carrying on with moving prep. I'm not sitting waiting - which is really empowering.

Excellent, empowering is good :)

Thinking practically, do you have a friend who can help with the move?

As an extra thing a stranger just congratulated me on my pregnancy! I'm not pregnant just bloated today!!but it was so awful, in front of a shop full of people and I was so mortified and flustered I left without paying and had to be called back!

Poor you - do you have IBS?
I'm the same, any stress goes to my stomach. Ignore the strangely presumptious stranger! Just take it as a clear sign that the stress is obviously affecting your physical health, which is an even bigger reason to take back the power and look after yourself

Hey ;) yes stress does go directly to my stomach ;(

I'm back at home and have put some washing on and now just been sitting here thinking back on everything.

This isn't the first time he has behaved this way - but it feels like the worst.

It happens when he is stressed or triggered (perceived sexual jealousy) maybe about 20 times in the last 15 years.

Sometimes he will be like it for ages (the worst was for about 3 months soon after his Dad died and he thought that I was slutting about and not caring for him enough -because I spoke to my friends husband and I was smiling!) and then a few years will pass and he's okay. It's like he's jekyl and Hyde and it comes out of nowhere and just shocks me to the core. It's like he's a stranger to me.

I'm not sure this is targeted abuse but that he behaves badly when he's triggered?

He's not depressed but I do think he has some kind of personality disorder that is triggered by perceived threats.

Our parents have passed away (both sets) - I really, really miss my mum

The sex/intimacy is a soothing/coping mechanism for dealing with pain - a bit like drugs or alcohol.

Looking back, his behaviour has ruined quite a few lovely family memories for me - birthdays, christmases, other special occasions, kids assemblies, a new job, wedding anniversaries etc (with him blowing up and storming off) and now our move - which we are both so excited about but looks like it's going to shit. This makes me so sad and angry.

But when he's over his stomping off he can always talk objectively about what has happened and then he also talks to his therapist about it too.

I get what some of you have said about me being an enabler or co-dependant and I have thought about that in the past. I think I'm going to take it a step at a time and the first thing is to get us couples counselling. I'm not rushing into anything but also things have got to change.

Sorry for the rambling - it's good to get it off my chest xxx

Thingsdogetbetter, I am no expert but from my reading do understand that the problems with behaviour/thinking from those so badly damaged in early childhood does not go away when they reach adulthood. This is long-term.

OP I don't imagine that your DP would have been offered such specific medical help on this if his case wasn't exceptional. I am glad that he has help.

(Your DP might also be manipulative and power-seeking. It would be possible to be both but you are in a better place to know of this than we are.)

For you OP - It would not be disloyal to seek support.

This looks like a longterm thing and not something you have the power to solve. Can you and your children live with it?

Thanks goodasgoldilox are there any good books you can recommend.

I really want to understand it more and give it/us/him a proper chance at recovery before I make any serious decisions.

The problem with this happening and then it again and the pattern repeating is nothing is moving forward. It's happening again and again.

I very much respect he has had very horrible things in the past happen but unless he's in the throes of extreme depression, he will be able to see that he's abandoning his kids and you. He knows he's doing it and he knows you'll put up with it.

Mental illness is a cause but not an excuse. He needs to realise that you are with him because you love him and that Jenny's husband making you laugh is because he said something funny, not because he's so sexy to you.

In essence his behaviour is causing you mental health issues. This is what makes me think he's not a particularly nice person, because he's willing to treat you bad enough to inducementql illness and willing to abandon his kids like he once was. How is that going to help him?

How about if your mood is so low you wander off for hours at a time? If his mental illness is accepted to do that themif things become too much, so canyou.

I've suffered depression and anxiety since 12. I've very ambiguous boundaries and my self esteem is practically nonexistent but whenI am moody, nasty etc it isn't fault. I can't just blame my issues on that.

Discuss with him that when he's stressed it's fine for him to take a few but to be contactable and in a safe place.

I'm thinking control is a big issue here, not just abandonment.

I hope you can move forward. But ultimately, i would walk away. It won't be long until the children are affected by his erratic moods.

I’m really sorry but usually when people show extreme jealously like that it’s because they are cheating themselves. They project their behaviour on to you. I’m sorry but I think you need to consider that he has, if not is, cheating on you. His mental health issues revolve around sex.
You must stop trying to fix him and instead protect yourself and your dc.

I think as a first step cancel the house move. Why not say to him it’s too stressful and he’s clearly not coping well with the stress atm.

Oh and I sympathise - stress goes straight to my tum too. I’ve been offered a seat on the tube before very much not pregnant.

I think there are enough serious concerns here for you to press the pause button. This is a dysfunctional relationship that is damaging all parties. If you buy a new house you will be in more debt which could cripple you if your marriage fails in the future. If you can look at this logically you know that you need to get some breathing space. I would tell him that you are supporting him but lay down some ground rules. No flouncing, no sulking, no going off the radar. You are both adults with adult responsibilities. I feel for you op this is a tricky situation.

I have PMed you OP.

I wonder why you use the word 'triggered'? Where have you heard his behaviour described that way?

slinkymolinki what's the legal position with the house move?

Are you renting / buying? Do you rent or own now?

Who's name's going on the lease/deeds? Will it be different in the new place to the old place?

Someone can be damaged and have internal emotional pain. This can be worse at some times than others.

Some people, consciously or unconsciously, make other people close to them feel bad, as a way of reducing their own emotional pain. They say or do things that make the other person feel anxious, frightened, sad, abandoned. Sometimes they recruit others in this, like rejecting or frightening children to make a mother sad or frightened. When the other person feels these things they experience some relief, that they are not the one feeling being rejected, lost, frightened, anxious. Instead someone else is. This gives a feeling of relief, control, power, and not being alone with their painful thoughts and feelings.

They also use these behaviours to get the person to behave in ways that make them feel better. Like offering soothing, offering sex, being placatory, being subservient. This also helps them feel better.

This is abuse.

He came home this afternoon and told me that I am the source of all of his pain. That I reinforce his feelings of childhood abandonment through my actions - sexual neglect (he needed some intimacy yesterday but I wasn't ready after our previous row and that's what caused his major bolting last night). According to him it's all my fault and he can't trust me with his emotions and that's I'm thoughtless etc.

When I tired to explain how I feel he didn't want it hear. Just said I was making it all about me and that I never put him first and just want to win the argument.

I don't think I can cope with this.

He's pushing me away and I feel like he's testing me - he keeps saying it should be instinctive and I should know how to help him but won't tell me what he needs because he won't let me even hug him and won't listen to what I have to say.

I've found myself agreeing with him and apologising just to get some space and to stop the bombardment.

I feel so muddled and wretched and sick.

He's gone out again.