Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

he keeps saying it should be instinctive and I should know how to help him but won't tell me what he needs because he won't let me even hug him and won't listen to what I have to say

This really struck me, OP as my ex used to say very similar things. He would storm off overnight, but went out drinking. So at the time I saw it more as a drink problem than him being an abusive sulker. But trust me, the making it all your fault, nothing you can do helps, 'why don't you just know what to do any normal person would know' as plain old emotional abuse. I took me too long to see it with my ex then far too long to get out.

I have got out of an emotionally abusive relationship just like this. My ex DH was just like yours, troubled childhood, in the end he turned violent and even then managed to blame me. Please get out of this

Just read further on. If you weren't about to buy a house I'd wonder if you were my ex's new wife, honestly it's like a script!

See this for what it is and realise you can't 'win', there's nothing you can do to fix him and he is seriously damaging your family with his behaviour. I really do know it's not simple or straightforward to just 'get out' so keep talking on here, it will help you plan your future enormously!

Hi OP
Hope you got some sleep

I’ve read your whole thread and am willing you to leave this man.
This is classic emotional md sexual abuse.

It is utterly horrible to read it as you are clearly such a kind soul who loves him and wants this to be different but your lie is wasted and the things he said last night are not the words of a loving husband.

His absolutely the lack of insight into his own behaviour is classic abuse and gaslighting.

Please don’t let your children spend any longer growing up with this.
They deserve to have a mum who is valued and loved.
This man is manipulative and selfish and so used to controlling your reactions and behaviour that he thinks if he ramps it up you will capitulate over and over again.

He is seeking compliments from other women to punish you whilst abusing you for supposedly doing the same (which you aren’t)
He demands sex on tap to soothe his soul
He causes pains and worry and isn’t present for his own kids.

He cannot be a good father and he certainly isn’t a good husband.

Can you leave temporarily to stay with a friend or something?
You need space from him and sadly I really do think your only option is to leave him. You won’t fix this with counselling.

Good luck OP. You sounds absolutely lovely and deserve so much more.

Does he work op?

Take this opportunity to get rid of him he sounds utterly vile and you could do 1000% better than that piece of shit. None of this is your fault this is abuse and actually to a point rape he is trying to force you into sex to make him feel better, with no care about whether you want too.

I think you should give him space, room to breathe. Keep your eye open for suiccidal feelings and report to gp, or police if he is serious but I think he is using this to wind you up. He is depressed. Psychologist probably gives cbt. Think about couple therapy when he feels a bit better.
Leave him to it more, don't lie to your kids, say dad is not well, he's gone for a walk, probably back later.
Get on with your own stuff, be supportive yes, but he has to fix this, you cant

@rwalker OP has been bending over backwards to try t help this man.
I know plenty of people with MH issues and in no way am I minimising the problems they face.
It is possible to have mental health issues and be an abusive twat and that is what this man is doing to OP.
I think you need to read up a bit on types of and dynamics of abuse.

You cannot excuse abuse just because someone has mh issues. He knows what he is doing to OP.

My ex used to do some of this. I love the calm drama free home I have as a single parent. I am literally never on eggshells. I am sorry you are going through this. Can you get some therapy for you?

OP I was gaslighted and manipulated for years by ex h and when you realise what’s happened it is a shock . It will take some time for this to sink in then you will find some anger and do something about it.
In the meantime you can contact Women’s Aid.
Also get some free legal advice ... most solicitors offer 30 min sessions free. Speak to a few and you get an idea where you stand and also which one clicks best for you .
Get documents together .
You don’t need to feel pressured to take action until you’re ready but it’s best to start getting your ducks in a row now

Crisis team worker. I would have advised you to call the police if I'd seen this last night.

He knows the impact this is having on you though and whilst he may not be able to find the words to express how he's feeling, it's absolutely not fair to make you sweat like this. It sounds like what he's displaying is care seeking behaviour in that he wants you to display that you care for him but it's very controlling.

I would call your crisis team today for advice or better still ask him to ring them

OP this is NOT your fault. His behaviour is NOT your responsibility. He is projecting his problems onto you so he doesn't have to mentally take responsibility for what he is feeling. He is also trying to show you how it feels for him (deliberately hurting you so you feel unloved too). What a bastard! Get angry at what he said to you, and take action to protect yourself from further hurt. How dare he treat you so badly then blame you? Think like that and you'll feel more free and empowered to stop your suffering. He may be ill, but there's no excuse for his behaviour towards you.

Protect your mental health. Walk away from this before you're in too deep, take it from someone who knows, it won't get better no matter what you do

I agree with some others. This is probably the worst case of mental abuse I've ever seen on here and I've been lurking around the relationships boards for 10 years. Coercing you into sex, punishing you by threatening an affair, gas lighting you, silent treatment. Mental health issues don't make someone into an abuser. He's choosing to treat you this way.

Im having counselling at the moment and i have a relative who i work very hard to try and please but she's never happy. My therapist said its like trying to fill in a lake with teaspoons of sand. The sand is everything i have of myself to offer. The lake is their emotional needs. It will never be enough. I really hope you can find a way out of this because he's destroying you. In his little rants, when does he ever mention you or your needs? My heart is breaking for you trying desperately to placate this foul man while he puts his hands over his ears and ignores you. You deserve so much better than this.

Please don't go for couples counselling. He will use it as another stick to beat you with and its not recommended where there is abuse. Id certainly recommend individual counselling however.

Sorry OP - I married one from the same box .

Off to the pub to get attention = already having an emotional affair, probably with one of the women in the pub.

If you don't object, if you don't cling to his ankles & immediately beg for the privilege of shagging him, you are giving him a green light to hop into bed with someone else (clearly you don't mind because you are a neglectful bitch).

If you say woah hang on NO, I'm not happy with all this flirting, & do the above clinging & shagging to distract him, he will bolt again at the first opportunity to punish you (clearly you are a controlling bitch ).

By the time he's finished, in his head you will be Schrodinger's Bitch - simultaneously cruelly neglecting him & controlling his every move.

Eventually he will find another mug & leave/you will throw him out.

He will spend the rest of his life telling everyone that he stayed with his abusive horrible ex for as long as he could for the children's sake. Some will believe him.

Honestly, extricate yourself now. Excellent advice given above.

Just wanted to wish you luck and strength OP

rwalker is completely wrong. Please don't read that response and start to doubt yourself.

@rwalker not helpful
YOU will confuse her by telling her All the helpful replies are not right

Wow what a horrible, onesided and miserable relationship!

OP - you are not his sex-medicine, available for him to 'take' when he feels in need. Where are your feelings and wants and needs, in his head? You don't have any.

This man does not love you. He is an abuser, and likes abusing you. THAT makes him feel better! His control over you is his medicine, his drug.

He needs a choice - get help to find his own way of getting through his problems, or you split. A split would def be better for you, that's for sure!

You could be describing my childhood (obviously I don't know the ins and outs of my parents sexual relationship but it fits with some things my mum said & things I witnessed with my dad and other women).

My dad wasn't a horrible person and he had a very traumatic life but during those years he was abusive. The trauma my mum loves with from those years is no less because it was caused by a mental health breakdown. The lifelong impact its had on my sibling and me isn't lessened either.

If you can, get out before your kids tell you they are afraid to come home because they are worried their dad might have killed yourself, before your friends avoid you because they can't take his searching for sexual validation, before you can't go anywhere because the kids can't be left alone with him (he'll forget their existence) but you can't ask anyone to babysit because you can't explain why you need one.

I went from being a loud confident child to the nervous people pleaser I am still trying to shake off because I learned that keeping my dad happy was the most important thing. I spent every penny of my pocket money on him in the hopes it would make him want to be alive. Please don't let your kids learn that.

There's a metaphor some people use with mental health - if a friend fell in a hole in the road you'd pull them out. But your husband is in a deep hole - it will take professionals to get him out And he has to want to. All you can do is decide whether to let yourself & your kids be pulled in with him.

My mum deciding it was enough was the best thing for all of us. My dad had extensive treatment and went on to live a happy life - though haunted by guilt for what he did.

I obviously meant himself not yourself

Hope you're OK this morning Slinky your poor head must be spinning

Please speak to your solicitor about ending the house move. I know you say you've exchanged contracts, but you must find a way to stop it. I'm a conveyancing lawyer and it can be done. There would be monetary consequences of course, but if you are selling your current property, this would be the right time to split. Does your law firm also have a family lawyer? Ask to see them and explain the very serious stuff you are going through. They will liaise with the conveyancer and try to find a solution. Please don't buy another house with this horrific man.

OP for your kids' sake, if you can't consider your own needs, please leave this man and run far away very fast 😔

You said he’s seeing a clinical psychologist. Is there evidence that he is or could he just be saying that to you so he can continue getting your sympathy?
Has he had a diagnosis of any sort ?
Have you been to any sessions with him?

I’m genuinely concerned your talking about my ex. There’s one small thing you’ve said that makes me think it’s not.

The debt in my name Tick
Manipulated in to sex. Tick
Blamed for his depression. Tick
Concern for their welfare. Tick
Trying to use jealousy. Tick
Hate of my mobile. Tick

Honestly run, run as far and as fast as you can. It will not get better, it’s controlling, abusive. Mine learnt it from his dad there was no way I would risk my kids learning it and repeating it.
Now looking back there was so much more I ignored, I’m the shell of the person I was. But I’m free, and thts worth so much more, even the £50,000 it took to get out.
Freedoms lovely, I can use my phone to my hearts content, I don’t have to hide it or delete things.
I can sleep without worrying about being woken up and argued with about how neglected they are
I don’t have to have sex unless I want to
I don’t have to walk on egg shells in case I’m to be blamed for his depression or moods.

It wasn’t easy, he threw all sorts at me when I ended it. Suicide threats. But I held firm and told him to go to hospital / doctor (someone who was qualified to help, ultimately we can’t fix them). I now realise how toxic, abusive and wrong the whole relationship was, I am so sad at my lost years and that I didn’t do it sooner, I stayed to fix him and you can’t fix an abuser.

Good luck op, I wish you the very very best.