Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

ARe you rening or buying?

Could you move on your own?

We're buying 😔 and I don't want to split the family up. It's such a mess.

SOrry to say this, but given that he will bugger off without a word, leaving you to deal with upset children, I wouldnt say that the family is exactly together.

Can you see the emotional blackmail and abuse he is giving you? I think that you need some counselling too, to help you see how he is manipulating you with his "illness".

Yeah there's a lot of truth in that and I have had that thought in the past. I just need to collect my thoughts and hope things have calmed a bit tomorrow.

Change tactic. Tell him exactly how you feel and tell him, honestly, that if he continues your relationship won't survive.

You'll notice a change in him then and it will tell you everything you need to know.

I'm a single Mum of two and it's not that scary. It's much better than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. You're a great Mum and part of being a great parent is protecting them from potential harm in this case their Dad.

If you want to PM me please feel free

I am glad it helps a bit to know this. It did help me too.

With one child it seemed that the best thing to do after a 'bolt' was to be clearly pleased to see a return but to offer no recriminations and no mention of the (hardly bearable) strain it had given us.

We made very little fuss - and (appeared to) just treat it as if it were as normal as a D&V bug. ('Oh you'll want to be on the sofa - here is a rug and pillow.' 'Don't worry about being about for breakfast if you don't feel up to it'... An Oscar could be deserved!)

We did have some success with reducing the repeats of these episodes and the recovery was quicker too. Any drama - or emphasis on the distress we felt made it worse and more likely to happen again soon.

Goodasgoldilox, lovely and supportive as you are trying to be you're talking about completely different circumstances with a completely different age group. Children and teenagers have difficulty regulating their emotions and need outside adult help. OP's partner is an adult with children who are being badly affected by his inability or lack of desire to regulate his emotions. He is using this to manipulative OP into sex, to punish her when he doesn't get his own way, he is happy to have her lie to the children and cover up for him. To sit at home sleepless and stressed. He seems determined to continue this behaviour as it gets the results he wants. He is throwing suicide threats into the mix to manipulate, not as a cry for help.

OP. You need to step back from this fixing role. You see it as support. I see it as enabling. I suggest you request a meeting with his doctor and ask their advice! At the moment what you are doing could the opposite of what the doctor thinks he needs. Stop sitting stressing, just get on with your and your children's lives. He has done this so many times, and everytime he's come home fine!! When he gets back just say hi and continue what you were doing. (I bet when you stop making a huge deal out of it he will either get bored or move up a notch with further hints of suicide - either way will tell you that it's to punish you rather than because he can't cope!) No more rewarding him on his return with sympathy and making him the focus. If he starts hinting at suicide again than tell him you will be calling the police as that is best for him. You really aren't trained to deal with this. Stop lying to the children, they must know something is up. You don't need to give details, just daddy needs time to himself.

At the moment he has no negative or neutral consequences to his bolting. Either you have sex with him to stop it happening or he gets lots of love, understanding, sympathy and attention when he returns. Keep repeating your reactions and he will keep repeating his actions.
Time to consider how this effecting your MH and how it will teach your children to deal with life's problems. New home, new tactics!

Wow that was a lot from me at this hour of the morning!

Just like to add that I personally would tell the manipulative manchild to fuck off. Sex to make him feel better? Wanker!

Slinky you are not his rescuer. None of this is your fault, it isn't in your power to cure it. That said you can step up and protect your DC and stop enabling his abusive and coercive behaviour. Look after yourself.

I 100% agree with Thingsdogetbetterq.

I agree that you need to move away from trying to “save” him. You need to look after yourself and the kids - the latter the moreso because they have an absent father. He needs to want to save himself.

OP, have you tried being very “matter of fact” about it?

Do your thing with the kids, ignore his childishness and only respond to him when he’s treating you like a human being.

When he tries to coerce you for sex tell him “no, it doesn’t seem to be working in making you feel better and besides I don’t want to as you treat me so badly”.

Book him an appointment with the doctor and tell him that if he doesn’t go, you will.

I know you love him and worry but he’s not allowing himself to be helped by you and quite frankly his behaviour is abusive.

Just a thought, to me it sounds like the thought of buying a house is panicking him, his behaviour is one of checking out before the commitment, then he wants sex to alleviate the guilt. Distance yourself emotionally, find inner strength and look after yourself and children first.

I've posted a link that talks about the silent treatment as a tactic and as a form of emotional abuse. You might relate to some of it, all of it or none of it. I thought I'd share it for you to read because if you relate to even some of it then it might help you and your children in some way. Helping your dh with his issues should not be at the expense of yours and your young dc expense. They need their mummy right now and it might be time to get a different perspective and a new way of dealing with this. It really can't go on like this. It will hurt your children and you if you don't find a way to protect yourselves from his behavior regardless of the reasons behind his behavior. The article does discuss the silent treatment as a tactic used by narcissists. I'm not suggesting that your dh is a narcissist. I am suggesting that he is using similar tactics that cause similar responses of stress, anxiety, confusion and hurt to those who are in relationships with him. Please get some support for you and your children because you deserve as much support, consideration, empathy as anybody else. Plenty of adults have experienced childhood trauma and abandonment and don't treat their partner and children like this.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

Helping your dh with his issues should not be at the expense of yours and your young dc well-being.

i agree with others that this isn't about his depression and anxiety, he's crossed the line into abuse and you're enabling him, as hard as that must be to hear. you have to change your pattern if you want him to change his. there's an awful lot of good advice on this thread. have a long, hard think.

Excellent post from Thingsdogetbetter and many other posters. Please stop pandering to this abusive behaviour. Concentrate on your DC and your well-being or you'll all be damaged.

You can't fix this. He has to get professional help and do all he can to improve his MH. If he's not willing to do that, I would seriously reconsider your marriage. He is dragging you down, and don't underestimate the effects of his behaviour on the DC.

MH issues, as PPs have said, are NO excuse for treating you like this. Stop 'medicating' him with sex, too. Do you really want sex with someone who treats you and DC like this?

OP my DH suffers from depression and this sounds very similar to the way he is when it takes over him. I cope with it by dividing his actions into 'illness related' and 'bad behaviour'. When he takes off I remind myelf that DH is an adult and that while he may be very ill, there is nothing I can do to stop him. I remember all the times he has done so before and come home safely (every time). I put myself and DS first, make sure DS doesn't know as far as possible, focus on keeping us distracted and make sure we eat and sleep (not easy to sleep though) It's very hard to do and goes against your instinct to help the person you love but with practice, you can learn how to protect yourself from the emotional impact.
When he returns and is himself again I try to explain how he made me feel and of course, I push him to call the doctor again, check he's taking his meds and suggest alternative coping mechanisms.
Despite what people are saying, this is not straight forward attention seeking behaviour. His illness drives it so he cannot conciously control it when in the 'grip'. That said, the effects of his behaviour cannot be excused.

Is he seeking help and engaging? Because if not I would seriously consider your future together. If I knew what we would go through when it first struck DH, I'd have finished it then and there. But of course, I love him so I wanted to help him. 3 years down the line he is experiencing another bad spell and yet again I am questioning our future.

Ask yourself how much is too much? Don't let his illness ruin your life

I knew someone like your dh op and it turned out his ‘depression’ was actually guilt - he’d been repeatedly cheating on his wife because of his insecurities around sex and need to be loved and when he did so the depression and internal guilt started.
I agree with others, being ill is one thing but sounds like he has you wrapped round his little finger.

It seems to me he needs more support than you can give him. He should go to the GP to explain what's going on.
I'm not sure if its wise to assume he's attention seeking - this is a label that's put on lots of people that are mentally suffering.
Its odd behaviour because he can't put what he's feeling into words. Equally he can't be holding op responsible for what he's going through. So he needs more help. If he won't go to the gp I'd call them to ask for advice. Its a rubbish situation for op but find him & you support & hopefully there will be an improvement.

Slinky I would ask for a meeting with his clinical psychologist (and it's great that he's seeing someone like that). I'm absolutely betting that he's presenting his version of reality accurately. The difference between his reality and how it manifests in real life are equally likely to be different though.

For instance, he might be saying he goes out to clear his head. Not that he's out for hours leaving you with the kids not knowing where he is. Or that you have sex to make him feel better.

And I'm sure there's more.

They wouldn't be your therapist, but this I do would be helpful to the therapy as well as possibly to your relationship.

It's possible to have mental health issues and ALSO to be a domestic abuser.

It's also possible to have deep rooted emotional issues that lead to self harming or suicidal thoughts WITHOUT those behaviours being typical or treatable mental health issues.

Mental health issues that manifest in the need for you to never challenge him and have sex with him to make him feel better are NOT mental health issues. He sounds like he has a personality disorder rather than a mental health condition. Personally disorders generally stem from trauma but they make people extremely difficult to be with if the person doesn't have insight and appropriate therapy.

The point being that he's abusing you, and your own mental health will suffer massively if you continue to try to manage his. When will enough be enough?

Love languages
Completely inappropriate advice in this case. A person manipulating their partner into sex is not expressing a 'love language'

I also wanted to add that narcissism can be a common self protective mechanism for some adults who have been abandoned as a child. I have a relative who is now very much a narcissist, I believe it stems from his childhood where he was abandoned, severely neglected and ended up in an orphanage for months as a tot.