Should I call the police?

[slinkymolinki]

Or is this over the top?

Am really worrying about DH's state of mind.

DH is really suffering with emotional issues at the moment - stemming from childhood abandonment and trauma but which manifests itself in him feeling very insecure and emotionally threatened (by other men) and craving sexual intimacy (with me) to ease the pain/feelings of inadequacy.

He's having counselling which is working but over the last couple of days he's has a relapse. We had a big row on Monday and he disappeared for over 24 hours but then turned up.

We talked about it yesterday and today and started to work our way through it but this afternoon he suddenly fell into this very low mood and thought I'd rejected him sexually and we talked it through but then I could see in his eyes that he'd 'gone' and he'd lost himself and had gone down an irrational road.

The kids then called for me to settle them and whilst I was upstairs he left the house again.

That was 3 hours ago.

I've texted lots of him supportive and loving messages. No response.

I've called his mobile 25 times. Twice he answered (could hear him breathing) and I talked to him but he didn't reply and then hung up. He won't answer.

I've texted him to say I'm worried and calling the police ? But I don't know what to do. We live near water and he did say that on Monday he stood by it and thought for a moment what it would be like to throw himself in.

I don't know what to do - phoning the police seems really dramatic and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he's perfectly fine and just trying to make me sweat.

I'm now sat at home going out of my mind.

I agree you don't need to "pass his test" anymore you do not need to prove you love him regardless of how he treats you
You do not need to fix him
You are not responsible for him
You do not need to go through a 21st episode of his treatment of you!
He's had 19 chances to change his reactions to seek real continuous help.
He's had 15 years to realize he can't treat you like this and that you deserve to be loved respected and cherished.
He's had 20 episodes of his own behaviour to conclude he isn't cut out for a grown up trusting relationship!

such wise words ShamelesslyPlacemarking

Your partner has well and truly managed to convince you that he's the victim here, when in reality he is the abuser and you are the victim.

Yup. He's a toss pot. Get rid.

That I reinforce his feelings of childhood abandonment through my actions - sexual neglect (he needed some intimacy yesterday but I wasn't ready after our previous row and that's what caused his major bolting last night).

I keep reading this and getting angrier and angrier on your behalf. This is some next-level bullshit. It's rapist behaviour to tell someone that they need to have sex with you on demand to resolve your feelings from childhood, and then to disappear for hours/days on end when they say they are not ready for that, and THEN blame them for you running off in a sulk.

There is literally no such thing as "needing intimacy" on demand. If this issue has come up in counselling and the counsellor did not immediately tell him that he absolutely cannot demand sex as a salve for his feelings, I would be reporting them to their professional board of oversight.

This just gets worse and worse to read. As many other pps are - I AM ANGRY on your behalf OP.

Hey OP... this sounds just awful for you !
He is definately abusing you under the guise of mental health issues. He has told you himself you aren’t helping him cos you’re too selfish ( despite tying yourself in knots trying to please him)
I think the time has come for you to agree with him and tell him to fuck off 😡

I haven't read the whole thread but have read op's posts. If you don't get help for yourself I think you will become ill yourself. You are trying to be strong for your children and partner but who is being strong for you? It may be that your partner is so damaged that he can never change, in which case you will have to, at some point, live separately from him and perhaps in time find a partner who helps and supports you. It might be that you have to separate while he sorts himself out. Good luck and keep us all updated on how you are doingx

Thank you. Your supportive posts are making me cry and the fact that so many of you care too. Thank you.

My head is spinning.

We had a long chat tonight after the kids were in bed where he offloaded his thoughts which to summarise are:-

I'm behaving unreasonably. I'm neglecting him emotionally and sexually. (He needs a lot of reassurance and to be told that he is attractive and sexy and desirable. I mean a lot - to the point that it's not enough. Ever.) This is the the worst thing I have done according to him (over many years) and I need to take responsibility for my behaviour and that I have hurt him with my callous selfishness.

Because I don't tell him these things enough he said I've crushed him and broken his heart because I've been neglecting him for 'years'.

So he has announced tonight that he doesn't want an intimate or sexual relationship with me - we can live in the same house and be friends but to be in a sexual relationship with me is too risky because I hurt him because I don't compliment him enough or initiate intimacy.

And also he doesn't know how long he can take my hurtful behaviour because he will either end up hurting himself or divorcing me.

He then went to the pub to meet up with some local friends who are regulars there because he wants to in his words - chat to our female friends and get compliments and attention from women who mean it.

Every time I tried to explain or tell him certain things weren't true I was told I was being defensive and making it about myself. Also apparently I'm deluded and living in my own deluded world.

I am reeling. Wondering what just happened. He absolutely muddled my brain and I am all over the place. I've had the life sucked out of me.

I really think he’s having an affair op.

Stop dwelling on what he wants and start thinking of what YOU want

See a solicitor slinky love, he will destroy you if you stay with him.

As an aside, he may well have met someone else already, and be turning all this blame onto you to justify his actions to himself and his friends.
Where does he go when he vanishes for hours? Has he stayed out all night, where was he?

OP... please please please stop this now.

What he’s said to you is abusive and vile.

Don’t let your children be raised by this man. They will grow up with far worse issues than he has if you do.

Sorry but you need to end this now and protect your children.

I've had the life sucked out of me

try and make that "I've had the OLD life sucked out of me" and make plans for a new life free of the horrible specimen you married

Thanks. It's weird if I was reading this thread from someone else I'd say exactly the same about leaving but it's so hard when you are in it.

I think I will see a solicitor. We've got some debt - all in my name too which is bloody annoying!!

He's awful. He is emotionally and sexually abusing you and he doesn't love you - not for you, who you are, what you like and what is special about you. He loves the attention you give him because it feeds his ego and he also hates you because it's never enough and you will always fall short. He's so damaged that he won't look at himself to fix his issues he will always blame and hate you for failing to fix them for him.

The only sane thing is to separate. Once you have completed on the house you need to look at how to legally exclude him and start separation proceedings.

Echoing Ryder- please get yourself away from this man!

He loves the attention you give him because it feeds his ego and he also hates you because it's never enough and you will always fall short

This is like a lightbulb turning on for me!
Thank you!

But I'm also shaking and feeling really disloyal for talking about him too 😔

Turn all his 'I'm and I 's into he and him!
he is behaving unreasonably
he is neglecting you emotionally and sexually
he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour
he is crushing and breaking your heart because he has been neglecting you for years
he is defensive and deluded and living in own deluded world
And he now wants to other women to pay him attention guilt free because he's deposited all of that on you!
This is an extremely unhealthy dynamic and clearly whatever therapy he is in is not helping or he isn't engaging with it!
If you want to keep your sanity intact it may be time to end this misery of an unbalanced marriage where you are expected to automatically fix problems he has decided you are the cause of but you didn't create! Unbelievable mindfuck !
All of this because you rightfully refused sex

You feel disloyal because you've been trained to put the bottomless pit of his 'needs' above yours. Where is HIS loyalty to you and the DC?????

This is possibly the worst case of mental abuse I’ve ever read about on mumsnet.

Do you have daughters? What would you say to them if they were in this relationship?

Please leave. There is a happier life out there for you and your children, nothing you do for this man will be enough. You cannot fix him, and if you don’t leave he will destroy you and your children. You will go down with him.

All I can hear is “he needs x he needs y “ ... what do you need op ? I’d say you don’t need a grown man who behaves like a spoilt child and who manipulates and abuses you. This isn’t a relationship, this is you, shoring up a man who has no consideration for you at all. It really doesn’t matter that he has “abandonment issues “. It matters that he is a horrible bully. Do you really want to live your life like this ? Please don’t waste your life on this man.

This is possibly the worst case of mental abuse I’ve ever read about on mumsnet

I was just thinking the same. I've read and sympathised with many OPs on here, but right now I can't wind down from my anger over this.

slinky He is setting you up so that you will fail, whatever you do will never be enough for him, he gets off on watching you fail.

There is a lot of help available for anyone in debt, have a look at debt aid charities such as Step Change, just Google for more info.

He is going out specifically to flirt and tells you so but he has tantrums and sulks for days if he thinks you've had male attention.

All the debt is in your name. Of course it is.

My god he's played you for a fool. Find your anger.

Do not have couples counselling. Get your own counselling. Ideally the Freedom Programme.

Honey, this is a golden opportunity right here. Seize it and don't look back.

He is stepping up his level of abuse by making stronger and more dire threats to keep you under his control. He's trying to change the fundamental terms of your relationship and blame you for it.

Don't fall for it.

This is your chance to get your ducks in a row and get out. You need to see a solicitor right away and find out what you need to get hold of and get underway in order to start divorce proceedings under your circumstances. Don't worry about the debt; if you are married, it will be regarded as shared matrimonial debt.

When you have everything sorted, sit him down and tell him that you've thought it over carefully and you agree with him. You can't meet his sexual and emotional demands. Not having an intimate relationship with him has come as a relief. And you don't want him to hurt himself. So under the circumstances, the only possible resolution is a divorce. If he feels someone else would better meet his needs, he should look for that person.

After that, just go 'grey rock'. (You might need to Google that.) Stop feeding his endless needs. No matter how he tantrums, blames, finger-points, threatens etc, just stick to the message. You can't meet his needs. Divorce is the only solution. He needs to find someone who can meet his needs, and it's not you. You've tried for long enough, and you don't want to try anymore.

Every time I tried to explain or tell him certain things weren't true I was told I was being defensive and making it about myself. Also apparently I'm deluded and living in my own deluded world.

Have you ever heard the term 'projection'? It's where someone 'projects' their own faults onto somebody else so they can pretend they don't have those faults. What he is doing is a textbook example - tell you you're defensive, self-absorbed and deluded. The truth is that HE is defensive, self-absorbed and deluded. But if he tells you that YOU are those things, he tell himself that he's not.

You can do this.