I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

Shared a flat years ago with a couple with a similar age difference. Who were great together and very well suited. They were both about 28 or 29 in terms of outlook, life experience.

She grew up in New York, travelled and work abroad extensively from 16. She had inherited some money in her early teens- enough for her to what she wanted, not for her to do nothing.

He’d grown up in a small village, very sheltered life in some ways, moved to London for university and stayed there. Did well in his career, film production. He bought a flat just before prices went mental, so he had a similar financial position to her- enough to do what he wanted, but not do nothing.

So by the time they met, they were in a pretty similar place in terms of outlook and experience. They set up a travel film production company together and went off round the world doing that.

But, no kids. Both free to pursue their dreams, no responsibilities to anyone but each other really. Very different situation.

13 years between my parents, married for 20 years, now amicably divorced but that had nothing to do with it. It's feck all business of anyone else really.

The age gap might mean that you at different stages of maturity, your children mean you are definitely at very different stages in life and it’s difficult to make that work.

The real thing that I'd find pretty icky would be if you started thinking and behaving as if you were 21 again. Nothing so unattractive as an immature man, imho. Maybe she's mature enough to accept your normal life as a 34yo father of two, but as pp have said, the 13 year gap isn't the problem, it's the different life stages. She might be able to fit in with your friends/lifestyle, but can you really see yourself fitting in with hers?

But I'd assume both of you are just looking at this as a fling - aren't you?

I think you don't need to ask anyone on here as we don't know either of you so can't really make a fair comment and it's no one else's business anyway. There's a 9 year age gap between my DH and I. When we met I was a single parent at 24 and he was a single Dad at 33. We're still together 15 years later and very happy with 2 children together of our own.
Not one person told either of us that there was an issue with the age gap and I have never given it much consideration at all.

A few years ago I would have said it's an ok are gap and can work.

However, as I have got older many of my friends who have are gap relationships have split.

Mine was 9 years gap (him older) he aged far quicker than me. He couldn't accept I still wanted nights out with friends occasionally (talking 4 times a year) or that I wanted to go out with him. Any night out was an early-ish meal and back home by 8.30. He was happy at home all the time.

My friends have experience similar. The age gap became more pronounced as we got older. This isn't the case for all relationships with an age gap. But it's put me off and I wouldn't date someone significantly older than me, again. My Dp is 2.5 years older.

I think the other thing is that life experience can matter. A 21 year old is never going to have as much life experience as a 36 year old who has been married and has kids.

I also have to say honestly, I would have no interest in someone who was 21. I am 36. I know plenty of 21 year olds. Through work and hobbies. Some are great and very mature. But we aren't in the same place in our lives. And honestly I wouldn't want a 21/22 year old to be tied down by my life and my kids. At 21/22 it's easy to think that love conquers all and that being a step parent will be easy. It's usually not the case and a big thing to take on.

Take it slowly and don't suffocate her. I dated a 33 year old when I was 21 - like you he didn't realise how young I was. He wanted so much more than I was prepared to give. He felt his time was running out (at 33!) and wanted to force me into a serious commitment. It was all too much and I ended it after 8 months. I also have a friend who is 17 years younger than her husband. that was fine when he was in his 50's, but she's mid-fifties now and nursing a 73 year old husband!

There's a 9 year age gap between my DH and I. When we met I was a single parent at 24 and he was a single Dad at 33

But that's very different to a child-free 21 year old and a 34 year old with two kids!

I think the majority of the thread agrees that the age gap isn't such a problem; it's the completely different life stages.

FFS it is not creepy!

I was 16 when I met dp, he was 27. We didn't date. When I was 18 we did date for 2 years. We split, we wanted different things. We got back together 6 years ago, I'm now 49, he's just turned 60. We are still the same people deep down inside, just on the right page now.

On the flip side, a friend of my DD's is 22. He is with someone in her early 30's who has a child and they seem to be very happy.

I don't think age matters as long as neither uses the other's age as a stick to mentally beat them with.

It's not the age gap it's the actual ages and life stages. I have a 49 year old friend whose partner is 35 but that's fine-they are both proper grown ups. I have friends who were parents at 21 but still really young.
Most people don't become adults until 25 or so, not really. I certainly didn't.

13 years is nothing when you're 45 and 32, but 34 and 21 isn't the same thing People always trot this out but it's not true. I work with men in their mid 30s and men in their early 60s, all nice, clever, interesting, good company. But we're at completely different life stages - men 13 years younger than me are in baby and toddler world and men 13 years older are waving their adult children off and planning their retirements. I'm enjoying the freedom that comes with having slightly older children (including more time going out and having fun with DH) and having a little career surge.

Two friends of mine married older men - one is divorced because he became grumpy and set in his ways while she was still young (14 year gap). The other's relationship is under great strain because the 10-years-older husband has retired early from his lucrative job and wants her to do the same so they can travel and have long lunches - but she's spent years building a career in a very specialist role and is finally right at the top and not surprisingly she doesn't want to.

I think it's very presumptuous that she is being naive and he is being predatory when it comes to 10+ relationships, especially if the woman is under 30.

It's up to her. Will she regret it? Maybe - maybe not - but that's life for you.

It's early days it might just be a fling and with flings age has very little to do with it.

I'm going to a wedding next year if a 35 year old and my friend who is 24. Absolutely normal. They have been together 5 years so he was 30 and she was 19... But they just clicked.

If it helps OP I am in a similar situation although the age gap is slightly less (I'm 24 he is 32).

My DP also has 2 young boys under 10 and yes it's a lot to take at first but honestly it's the best decision I ever made. We just work and age is never and has never been a problem. His kids are awesome and we get on well.

We are TTC ourselves at the moment.

If you like this woman and you think you could be good together than just go for it. I've had relationships with people my own age and honestly this is the best one I've ever been part of. He's loving and mature on a level I've not experienced before with men my own age and it really brings out the difference in me too!

Can only speak from my own experience and can say was pretty creepy in retrospect. It depends on your personality type and her level of maturity. I was immature, unstreetwise and he was a controlling manipulative twat who singled me out.

I think it's very presumptuous that she is being naive and he is being predatory when it comes to 10+ relationships, especially if the woman is under 30

Naive and predatory? I'm not sure I've really read those actual comments but I might have missed them upthread.

I have a similar age gap with my husband. That said he'd never been naked or had children when we met.

*married, not naked.

I was 21 when I met my husband, who was 34. He did not have children, though. Fast forward 20 years and we have 3 children and are happy (or as happy as any couple with three primary-aged kids!) The age gap is less of an issue than energy levels, as we age. Our third child really seems to have aged my husband. On the other hand, he also works incredibly long hours, so maybe that’s it.

For what it’s worth, my husband has said that if I’d been any younger than 21, he’d have walked away...

Thank you for all your (divided) responses....! We will see what happens.....

I have a 12 1/2 yr age gap with my husband it was fine in the beginning but now 29 yrs later we are so on a different level it's not funny. I still want to go out for meals and bars movies and he just wants to sit on his stool in the one pub. He never wants to do anything I want to do and is so stubborn.

You are at very different stages in your life, especially as you are not yet divorced. I'd say get your divorce settled and the new relationship with your children established before you start a serious relationship with a much younger woman.

We never married. Spilt over a year ago so are both ready for new relationships.

I met my now DH who is older than me when I was 16. He had two daughters who were 4 and 3. We married when I was 19 and had our son when I was 21 and have since had 2 more daughters. We are now separating 15 years later but that’s more due to the fact he’s an arse than the age gap. I say go for it but just be honest about what you want. I was and still am more mature than my stbxh even at the age of 16 so age gaps I believe has little to do with it! HTH

Well, yes. Opinion is divided, but the thread is rather weighted on one side, OP. Do you think you'll heed the cautionary posts?