I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

you're over invested to find it vomit inducing.

I do apologise that my reaction to middle-aged widows 'utterly adoring' barely legal baby-sitters isn't considered enough for you.

But in any case, I'd say you're a bit over-invested in my comments!

icedpurple you're saying above that a 50 year old and 34 year old is fine then right? Well I'm now a 27 year old mother of 3. My husband is almost 37. Would you be judging me now? Everything is absolutely equal with me and my husband, we are a team and I'm a strong woman.

I do wonder how 'successful' your relationship/s have been/are. You sound bitter about something and tbh if you're relationships haven't worked I don't think you're someone that should be judging others who do indeed have successful relationships, age gaps or not.

If you are in what you would deem a successful relationship you don't sound very happy.

You sound bitter about something

You're right. I'm desperately bitter that I passed my teenage years without being 'mature' enough to appeal to a divorced dad a decade my senior.

Seriously though, if your relationship worked out, good for you. I mean that. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to side eye grown men who seek out teenagers, and that I'm not going to regard such relationships as potential minefields.

You sound awful, jealous and bitter. Its a shame you're full of so much negativity and hate for others.

You go on about men seeking young women. I met my husband by complete coincidence, no seeking involved. A lot of people meet and just get on, maybe you don't experience that much as you're so hateful

You sound awful, jealous and bitter

Aren't you being incredibly arrogant to believe your life is something that provokes jealousy? What am I supposed to be jealous of, exactly? It's not immediately obvious.

For someone to be so negative about other peoples relationships it makes you come across that way. Someone who felt comfortable and happy in their own wouldn't be so negative about others. What works for some doesn't for others, that's fine. But that doesn't make the thing that doesn't work for you wrong. You're arrogant to think that way

Someone who felt comfortable and happy in their own wouldn't be so negative about others.

I suppose - if you want to analyse people on the basis of their comments here - you could say that someone who felt comfortable and happy wouldn't be so defensive and so concerned about the comments of complete strangers, most of which aren't even directed at you personally.

But I don't think there's any point in us continuing this discussion. Like I said, I'm glad that your relationship has worked out.

I just think someone genuinely happy in their own life would think twice before being so judgemental of others. The thing I think you're jealous of....not sure, happiness, feeling content, love. They're all really lovely and yes, others can be jealous when they don't have that.

I think its normal to be defensive of something you see highly of, in this instance a relationship. People on here have said extremely cruel and judgemental things on here about age gap relationships. If they're not something you'd do then again, that's fine. But there's no need to be nasty about it. You can give an opinion without spewing bile

@Keepingupwiththejonesys
Not another "you're just disagreeing with me because you're jealous" post. I don't know why people can't get their heads around the fact that somebody can vehemently disagree with them without it being fuelled by jealousy or bitterness.

Have you noticed the trend on this thread where although there is a general acceptance that some older men do target younger women for unsavoury reasons, the women in age gap relationships all emphatically state that their age was irrelevant and they just happen to get on with their partners?

i still don't understand why it is mainly women who are the younger party in an age-gap relationship? And when will women start waking up to this? Specially the ones in late teens and twenties.
Why?

i still don't understand why it is mainly women who are the younger party in an age-gap relationship?

I think it's obvious.

Because men are much more likely than women to want to be in a relationship when they call the shots and get to dominate or 'mould' their 'partner'.

And before someone comes screaming at me: I'm not saying all such relationships are like this. Many do indeed involve someone just happening to fall in love with a much younger/older person (though not sure that applies when the younger person - almost always female - is a teenager). But to deny the power dymanics behind many such relationships is head in sand stuff.

I always want to answer 'capitalism'. Bit trite, but true.

I think you sound wise, not bitter, IcedPurple.

I would say there was definitely something going on while that babysitter was 16 for him to have had such a hold on her years later.

I really feel queasy when I think back on how I dated a much older man in my early twenties. He had me right where he wanted me. One afternoon we were waiting at hospital because he was sick. He took me to a sparsely occupied wing and pulled up my skirt and had sex with me. I would never participate in that now I'm older. But he made everything seem like he knew best. That wasn't the only disgusting thing he did.

He also accused me of sleeping with our gay neighbor who was my closest friend my age, asked me several times why my tits were so saggy for a younger woman, and told me I looked like a lesbian (why he thought that was an insult, and why I let myself agree with him is a whole other issue) when I wanted to go to the shops without makeup.

When older women questioned why I was with him, I got very defensive and thought they were just jealous. Yeah, right. Nobody with any life experience would be jealous of the situation I was in. But I didn't know better.

I wanted to marry him. Thank goodness my saggy tits saved me from that lot in life.

Purrto

Puerto

God I hate the 'you must be jealous argument. It's so lazy.

I was in an age gap relationship. For 18 years. I was happy. I was in my 30's before I realised the power balance was off. Before life experience showed me that my relationship wasn't normal or healthy.

I have seen quite a few age gap relationships fail because the younger person, become a unhappy with the status quo and attempts to rebalance the relationship is met with the older partner trying to assert more and more control. As I said before, it's mainly older men but I do several where it's been older women. But the older persons reaction has been the same.

I am now in a very happy relationship with someone else. I am not jealous of anyone. As far as I am concerned my Dp is amazing . What I am is older, have more life experience and that life experience shows me that often (not always) the power balance in age gap relationships is concerning. I also know that relationships (like any relationship without balance) can seem happy and healthy for a long time.

When I look back at my marriage, I feel sick at someone of things that happened, because I felt he knew best. He felt he knew best too.

I have to wonder if the "mature" for her age is just a ruse told by the old guys to flatter a young girl who is just coming into adulthood and trying very hard to be a grownup?

I'm not all that experienced with a variety of relationships having had 2 marriages and 1 ltr.

LTR. He was just 2 years older than me. I was a "mature" 18 year old and he was a "worldly" 20 year old. I'm rolling my eyes hard at myself because although I became a mum at 19, I'm now late 50s and there is no way in hell I was "mature" at 19! We were both youthful immature idiots full of raging hormones!

1st husband was 10 years older than me. Divorced with a kid. He was pretty controlling. I think the fact that we both had a kid around the same age made the difference. I did get the what are you doing with that old guy a few times. Sadly he passed away and left me a young widow.

2nd husband he is 19 years younger than me. We dated for a long long time before getting married. Actually, we got along really well. I was very hesitant to even get involved as I was on the downside of having kids. He swore he didn't want kids but every year I would ask him if he changed his mind. So yeah, right after I went through menopause he got his head turned online and things went from really good to really bad. I think the difference here is I knew he was immature and that's why Ii hesitated and took my time.

Enough ramble

@PuertoVallarta and @Pandora79 thank you for sharing your stories. Hopefully young women entering age gap relationships will read your posts and reflect on your experiences.

I find it very hard to pitch posts about subjects like this without sounding sneering, out of touch or just plain crazy. When you're young you really have no idea that the reason why older women caution against certain things isn't because they're jealous or clueless, but because they've often been there, done it (or witnessed it) and they have seen how it all often ends. I don't really know if in this age and culture whether it's possible for older women to impart their wisdom to younger women/girls without their being an overriding feeling of suspicion and cynicism. Sadly I think this just plays into the hands of manipulative men. I'm not saying that all age gap relationships are automatically bad or wrong but I do think that they tend to be more problematic than relationships without an age gap.

I do think that the view that older women must be jealous, if they disagree with something (especially if that something involves younger women) is a view that is encouraged by men. Particularly men wanting to get the attention of said younger women.

Even at work. I have been on both sides. In my first job an older woman disliked me. All the men told me it's because she was jealous that I was younger and prettier and better at my job. I half believed them at the time. I recognised they were trying to make me feel better, but did believe it on some level.

The truth is, that at 18 I was a bit of a dick and not great at my job.

Now in my career and in my 30s, I have seen quite a few young women in the offices, I have worked in, that assume they are being spoken to about poor performance because the female (older managers) talking to them is jealous. And I have heard men in the office backing this view point up 'yeah, she is just jealous cause everyone likes you, your prettier etc.'

It makes the young girls feel special and feel that these men are on their side. The men are manipulating them, as most of them know it's a performance issue. Nothing else.

But the fact is that they are being spoken to because there is a work issue. I couldn't give a shit who is prettier. My job is to be professional, that's what I and my female colleagues are good at. But our decisions get written off as jealous.

I wouldn't go back to my late or twenties for anything. I am happy in my life and content.

The thing is, I had a classic age gap relationship when I was 20, and stupidly naive. I learnt a lot, never again etc. On I went.

I then had the reverse, an age gap relationship where I was the older party, by some 13 years. That was a car crash for other reasons, mainly related to the fact that I was coupled up to an abuser.

For me personally, the work I have done in understanding these things and becoming the woman I love today, has lead me to understand that my mother has had a very forceful, often negative effect on my life. That's a whole other thread, and I'm not putting it all on the parental relationship, but my point is, nobody knows what shit we've been through. Yes, we might've been through less at 18 than 49, but it still forms you, or begins to.
Whether someone comes along who is good or bad for you, well, in the end it is all about you and how you deal with it. It's intensely personal.

The political points about older men are true, and I think each person on here will come to their own conclusions in their own time, but no amount of telling them how 'foolish' they are is going to stop it happening. And yes, some of them will have rich and positive experiences, I hope.

I also think there has been sneering on here, I think it's disingenuous to ignore that. The tone has been distinctly off from some posters. I can manage to comment to younger people without doing it, it's not that hard.

I also think there has been sneering on here, I think it's disingenuous to ignore that.

I certainly haven't sneered. And to be honest, the only posts that could be even anywhere near sneer, have been in response to claims of 'you must be unhappy in your life' and people claiming that age gap relationships do work because their very short relationship is working. Or the claims that a woman in their 20s can be as mature as someone at 34 who has been married and had 2 kids. Why are these comments not being described as sneery?

I had a very difficult childhood. I was the main carer for my mum. I also had a very difficult relationship with her. However, mature I was at 18, it is not the same as someone in their 30s with much more varied life experiences. I am 36, I still think I was mature for 18. But I am not the same person I was at 18 and had nowhere near the amount of life experiences.

And I would bet a winning euro millions lottery ticket, that all these young women will look back and say 'god I remember that I thought I was so grown up, but I wasn't'

That doesn't mean the relationship won't last or will be an entirely negative experience. But they will realise is it.

So its becoming quite clear that most of those judging have had bad relationships, sorry that's happened to you but that still doesn't mean you can base all age gap relationships on that. I find it condescending that you're saying my relationship is wrong or as someone else put it, grim. I'm a 27 year old woman and I'm a strong person, I'm not controlled by anyone and never will be. Mine and my husbands age has never been an issue for us yet others seem to have issue with it when it effects them in no way.

And yes, whether its an overused or old thing to say I do think that SOME women are jealous. They've had failed relationships themselves and honestly, its sometimes like they want others to fail even though the relationship is good and healthy. That's bitterness.

And yes, I do look back at my 17 year old self and realise I wasn't as mature I thought. We all mature more as we age don't we? I still always look back and know meeting my husband was the best thing that ever happened though. I think after 10 years I'm quite sure if something is right or not

I do think that the view that older women must be jealous, if they disagree with something (especially if that something involves younger women) is a view that is encouraged by men. Particularly men wanting to get the attention of said younger women. It's pure misogyny. Relies on the idea that women are only valuable for their physical attractiveness - as defined by men - and that they are diminished by experience. I know no older women who'd want to be 20 again. We're not jealous of your sleazy boyfriends, not at all.