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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

350 replies

Biweeklyshave · 18/06/2018 17:39

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

OP posts:

Shmithecat · 22/06/2018 08:38

I don't think the age gap is bad but tbh, if it was my daughter, I'd be talking her to run in the opposite direction, purely because of your baggage. She doesn't need that at her age. And I speak from experience.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/06/2018 08:38

So its becoming quite clear that most of those judging have had bad relationships, sorry that's happened to you Arf. I've never had a bad relationship, ever. Try again.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 22/06/2018 08:50

Again with the insults 'your sleazy boyfriends'. How dare you, my husband and the father of my children is a good man, how vile of you to throw insults like that at people you don't even know. Can you not see how sour you're coming across as, really?

Branleuse · 22/06/2018 08:54

im not sure what there is to be jealous of? Jealous of the bloke to be able to pick up a youngster? Or jealous of the girl to attract older divorcees?

Attracting blokes is not a particular skill. You barely have to look vaguely normal and be able to speak

socraties1234 · 22/06/2018 08:56

age is just a number

AsleepAllDay · 22/06/2018 08:56

I don't like it - she's young and there's plenty of young single life for her to be had. Do you find her intellectually stimulating? Are you in similar places in life or is she at uni or similar while you have a house and all that?

I wouldn't be surprised if it ends but plenty have made it work too

AsleepAllDay · 22/06/2018 09:02

I don't think other women are jealous here. I was a total fluff headed idiot at 21, and most of my friends were too, we didn't take life seriously enough at that age.

Dating an older man appealed then (I was asked out by one and liked him) but we were visibly in different life stages - I was an intern at the company he worked at & was living with parents. Just didn't make sense and I would say the same today

I honestly don't find anything to be jealous of. I was 21 and everyone here was too, if I wanted a 40 year old with kids I could still pull him

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 22/06/2018 09:11

I think its the relationships that work that people are jealous of, not the age gap.

PeppermintPasty · 22/06/2018 09:16

Yes, I do think jealous is entirely the wrong word. But equally, do you not see that name calling posters' partners on here helps no one? Of course you're going to put people's backs up!

I think a lot of women, certainly my friends and I, look back and with the benefit of hindsight realise we might/would do things differently. I am all for passing on wisdom and experience but there are ways and means of doing it without being patronising.

This looking back thing is kind of what I have been clumsily saying, no one can save anyone else from their bad or good decisions, it is what it is, it has to be experienced. The underlying politics of the situation, whatever that situation may be, can't be separated all the time, and that seems to me to be when some posters take comments personally.

Talk about the politics of it by all means, but keep off the personal insults. That is not difficult.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/06/2018 09:16

Why would I be jealous of a relationship that works? Mines lovely and has been for 24 years.

rosesandponies · 22/06/2018 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/06/2018 09:23

@Keepingupwiththejonesys you don't think it's insulting to call anyone uncomfortable with this dynamic a bitter old hag?

Bumpitybumper · 22/06/2018 09:33

@Keepingupwiththejonesys
By definition most people that have had an experience of a bad age gap relationship will have experienced a relationship fail. Isn't that the point? Many of these posters are much further along or have completed the journey OP is about to embark on and are sharing advice based on their experience. I find it sad that in your quest to defend your relationship you have felt the need to belittle women for trying to help younger women through imparting their wisdom (and yes it really is wisdom).

Your husband may well not be sleazy but he has done something that a lot of sleazy men do which is start a relationship with a much younger woman. Do you dispute this statement is true? Do you not think that relationships with large age gaps have the potential to be more problematic than those where partners are of a more similar age?

AsleepAllDay · 22/06/2018 09:42

I also don't think people should have their head in the sand about power dynamics that can get unhealthy. In any relationship where one person has something over the other - whether they're older, have more money etc, it can crop up that the one who holds the balance can exploit it.

And if you're a younger person dating someone much older there is always the chance that the older person will take advantage of a relative lack of life and relationship experience

The red flag is always a man who says he hates dating women his own age...

Bumpitybumper · 22/06/2018 09:51

The red flag is always a man who says he hates dating women his own age...
I agree although I think most men would know that this could set alarm bells off and also they would lose the element of making the younger woman feel special. I think the more common modus operandi for these men is to say that they have never met anyone like the younger woman before and this has rendered any age gap irrelevant as their connection is so strong that it overcomes all this life stages/maturity crap that other people are so hung up on

tictac86 · 22/06/2018 09:59

I was 25 and my husband 37 and we are very happy 7 years on. I love my husband and he loves me. Im a secret old lady and hes a man child so thats probably why. You go for it and i wish you the best of luck

FullMetalRabbit · 22/06/2018 10:01

It's not creepy dating someone older. I wish PPs would stop saying that. I met my husband when he was 34 and I was 22 - he had two children and was divorced.

28 years later we are still together and also have children of our own. I don't think anyone ever said anything about it being creepy to us.

OP if she is happy with your life situation (ie. single dad) then don't worry about what others think.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/06/2018 10:42

hes a man child - oof. Unlucky!

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 11:16

So pointing out that a mature 21 year is still not as mature as a 36 year old, is sneery.

But saying that people must be bitter, isn't sneery?

No one has said that age gap relationships are always wrong or unbalanced. But there is a much higher chance of it. By it's nature.

And, as the op has posted before about sleeping with women in their early 20s, I do think that men or women who only pursue younger partners is creepy. That doesn't make all people in an age gap relationship, creepy.

What I don't get is why the people on this thread, who are in age gap relationships, are so defensive.

fleshmarketclose · 22/06/2018 11:25

My dd has been in a relationship with her dp who is ten years older than her since she was 22 (she's now 25) Initially she told me he was younger than he is but he makes her happy and it's none of my business tbh. Whether he turns out to be the love of her life or a happy memory in years to come I don't know but they are happy now and that's good enough for me. FWIW dd has always been very old in her outlook and so they seem a good match tbh.

FullMetalRabbit · 22/06/2018 15:05

What I don't get is why the people on this thread, who are in age gap relationships, are so defensive

Because a lot of posters are saying it is creepy, it's not creepy. Would you like it if your relationship was generalised as creepy?

IcedPurple · 22/06/2018 16:27

Because a lot of posters are saying it is creepy, it's not creepy.

Not all age gap relationships are creepy, by any means.

But for a much older man (or woman, though somehow that rarely happens) to 'date' a teenager is certainly creepy. I don't care if that makes me 'sneery' or 'jealous' (lol).

Loopytiles · 22/06/2018 17:32

However a relationship turns out it’s creepy for someone in their 30s to date a teen.

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 22:36

Because a lot of posters are saying it is creepy, it's not creepy. Would you like it if your relationship was generalised as creepy?

Honestly, I wouldn't care what a bunch of strangers thought.

Sallystyle · 23/06/2018 11:10

I am 19 (f) and my boyfriend of 10months is 34

I do believe that any 34 year old who wants to be in a relationship with a 19 year old is pretty messed up in some way. When I was 34 I still viewed 19 year olds as, well teens! I have a 19 year old son and as wonderful as he is he is still clearly 19 and young. I can't imagine what a 34 year old would really have in common with him. He is just leaving education, he has little life experience compared to a 34 year old.

A 34 year old male who wants to date a 19 year old is either extremely immature, which in that case what a catch he is! Or they like the power, or just enjoy having sex with a 19 year old.

I refuse to believe that this age gap is healthy. People in unhealthy relationships often convince themselves otherwise or don't even realise it until much later. A 34 year old has no business dating someone who is barely adult.

As for the OP I also have no idea why a 34 year old father would want to date a 21 year old. Well, I do, but I can't think of a decent reason.

BTW I am not bitter or jealous.

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