I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

I did 23/34 - the age gap was not the reason we broke up! He didn't want kids whereas I would have had them at 23/4 no qualms, so the 'different life stages' is a bit of a funny one, I was the one who would have settled down even being younger.

Long term, ff you ion't want more kids then it could be a problem if she does. I'd just go with it for now. No reason to call it off before you've had a chance to see how it goes. Neither of you will be in a rush to 'settle down' anyway.

Also if she doesn't think it's a problem but you break up with her because 'other people might think it's creepy' - then I'd be mightily pissed off if I were her. Presumably she's a compus mentus adult who has entered into this in good faith so it's up to her really.

Makes me laugh as well the whole she's 22 she should be fresh out of uni / travelling / out clubbing

I never did any of this because I didn't want to. Still don't.

Why do people assume at 21 you're still pissing money up the wall and "finding yourself"

There are 15 years between my mum and Dad, they have been married for over 25 years and have two children (me being one of them).

To me large age gaps are quite normal and I also have a much older DP.

I personally don't think there's anything creepy about it, my parents met when they were 19 and 34, so could be viewed as even "worse" than your situation, OP.

If it feels right, go with it.

I suppose it also depends how serious you want to get with this lady and the same for her with you. Although it's not as if time is running out for you, you're still young yet

I met my DH when I was 23, he was 36. The age difference has caused no issues but he did not have children.

My husband is 35. We have a 10 year old daughter. I would think he was a real creep if he went out with a 21 year old. When I was about 22 I had a relationship with a mid 30's guy. I look back now and it strikes me that it was pretty predatory on his part. It's a bit of a cliche too. Do you really want to be that man? I would be pretty ashamed of my father and his choices if I were your daughter.

I went out with someone 9 years older when I was 19. I felt grown up and he took me to some nice places and we had fun when it was just the two of us.

When we met with his mates, the age gap became more apparent. They all talked about things I had no interest in and their partners hated me as I was so young. It didn't last longer than 6 months in the end.

However you can't throw away the chance of love just because of an age difference. I'd just say for you both to tread carefully. Either family might have strong views and I definitely would leave off any introduction to your children for some time.

There is a 11 year gap between me and my partner and we are about to tie the knot this August. Honestly stop thinking about what other people will say its your life and happiness not there's if she makes your boat float than why not x

Everyone I knew who was "mature" and "sensible" at 21 went off the rails in their thirties.

Also for balance I had a 4 year relationships with someone 10 years older than me from 23 - 27. We didn't split up because of the age gap. In the end I found him very immature and I was ready for the next stage in my life. Without him.

Hmm at 20 I met DH who was 42. We have been together for 19 years and the age gap has never been an issue. However my ex who I met when I was 17 and he was 30 was a controlling and violent bastard who took advantage of the fact I was naive and inexperienced. By the time I met DH, I had lived what seemed ten lifetimes with an abuser, so I was mature and cynical and wouldn't have gone within an inch of DH if I had suspected he wanted me only because he could control me. Only you know what type you are and what attracts you to her - her youth or her personality. If it's her personality and you have similar values then I don't see it as a problem.

I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 37.
We're now 34 & 49, married with a baby on the way.
I still went out did my thing and he's still a bit boring but it works x

I learned yesterday that a 34 year old acquaintance was going out with a 16. Thought it was extremely creepy. He’s also a professional pick up artist (ie one of those twats that teaches men how to target women’s insecurities to get them to go out with them) so I already had a pretty low opinion of him.

Creepy.

I met my husband when I was 21,and he was 34. We're still together 20 years later and the age gap has never been an issue- for us or anyone else!!

It completely depends on the individual. I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 34. 6 years later we're very happily married and have a DD.

Just go with the flow for now.

I would go out with someone older.

Everyone I knew who was "mature" and "sensible" at 21 went off the rails in their thirties.

That’s odd that literally every one of those people did that!

Many people who were settled at 21 in my own experience were settled for good as they’d already done the ‘off the rails’ bit in their teens. Maybe we’re talking about different things re rails though, I mean heavy drinking and very mild drugs/partying/exploration. Perhaps you mean something more serious.

I have a 21 year old son, I wouldn't like him dating a 34 year old mother of 2, but there's not a fat lot I could do about it, as he's an adult.

She knows your age and situation I assume??

I would tend to think it was a bit creepy if I'm being totally honest. You do get some mature 21 year olds but it is impossible to have anything like the amount of life experience that a 34 year old father of 2 has had when you've only been an adult for 3 years. For me it's therefore either the case that you are relatively immature for your age/life stage or there will be a weird power imbalance. The latter is obviously a big no no and the former is also worrying as what happens when she inevitably matures over time and you are still potentially stuck in an early 20s level of maturity. It would be very lucky if you both matured at the same rate considering your different starting points

I think it is about life stages, late 20s are when you go through adulthood as we now know from brain science.
At 21 she won't really know herself and likely to be influenced by you..Which is why it seems creepy.

I would not want my dd with a man of your age.

Many people who were settled at 21 in my own experience were settled for good as they’d already done the ‘off the rails’ bit in their teens. Maybe we’re talking about different things re rails though, I mean heavy drinking and very mild drugs/partying/exploration. Perhaps you mean something more serious. Mainly they decided they'd settled down too young and decided to blow their family lives up. As the OP or his wife may have done.

As long as you understand you're from different generations then it's ok. As most of your arguments might creep up from that. e.g she might want to go and travel the world at some point ? she might still be going through the phase of partying 24/7? could be another 10yrs before she starts to feel broody?. These are things you probably have done and dusted so would be unfair for you to stop her doing these things etc.

Don't expect her to grow up too fast to keep up with you basically, let her live a little.

It's not so much the age gap, it's the different life stages

Agree. 13 years is nothing when you're 45 and 32, but 34 and 21 isn't the same thing.

I've experienced an age-gap relationship at that age (all awful, terrible power imbalances etc), and an age-gap relationship with DH (all good, complete equal).

Age gap relationships can work beautifully, but 34 and 21? The 21 year old has to have an exceptionally mature head on their shoulders AND be able to operate as an equal in the relationship to make that work. I would honestly expect most reasonable 34 year olds to be mature about it, chalk up the attraction and move on.

If not, I would brace yourself for a few comments, yes.

I think all the people quoting happy examples ar slightly off track: those couples started off, I presume, without children already involved.

Does she share your concerns? Can she use the life experience she has (which is less than yours) to foresee any problems?

The difference with age gaps and ages is experience. When you have more of it you are better placed to take risks on a relationship. Either because you can foresee challenges or you have experience of coping with challenges (and breakups).
You are obviously aware of possible issues. I wouldn’t end the relationship just on age gap, but do watch out for signs that things might not work out. At a young age, often “everything is fine” but this can change in her future and put resentment on past decisions