I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

tangled59 well this is probably going to out me massively but his girlfriend before me, of 13 years was 23 years older than him...
they did eventually break up because of that age gap... her oldest child was older than him.. and obviously they could not have children together... I think he was pretty devastated by the whole the thing tbh... so yes he probably would have still been interested if I were 52

Of course it's fine.

People who judge age gaps when both are perfectly legal just have their own opinions and forget they just because they wouldn't, doesn't mean others shouldn't!

If I wasn't married it wouldn't matter if I was flirting with someone 18 or 58 - as long as we clicked (I'm 28 btw).

BTW I'm 48 and I'd find a 61 year old man hitting on me a bit grim. Different generations.

Have you asked her? Is she ok with it? Have you talked it through?

Every 21 year old is different.

At 21 I was mature, I am still the same fundamental person, but as I studied and travelled a lot after this time I have developed a lot in the sense that the world I put around myself, the things I want to pursue and be part of, have all continued to shape me. So for me, anyone I would choose at 21 (and I had a lovely boyfriend the same age as me) would not necessarily stay a good fit for me as time went on.

In fact that is exactly what happened. I had more places to go, more things to do, more finding out who I wanted to be and developing that person. It doesn't matter the age of a partner, I inevitably was going to learn, develop, do new things and develop as a person. That was me at 21, mature, but still likely to move to another country, take up new studies, move with my career, find new passions, meet new friends, explore new worlds.

Other 21 year olds however may have bought a home, or be running a home, have a child, figured out how to pay the bills. It's a different kind of mature. They can be more centred in where their life is, more settled in the direction they are going in, better at "adulting" and happy with that path.

So i think it's really a question of, are you both in the same place in terms of the path you are on and would like to continue on.

The age, means nothing! Not creepy at all. I wouldn't be concerned about my 21 dating a 34 year old. I might be more concerned about her dating a lot of 21 years olds to be honest! I don't think using the word "creepy" is nice at all and I think you should ignore this.

Age differences seem more dramatic when people are younger, but it's about who you are together.

The children are a big part of this it's true. To make that work you will have to be very thoughtful about the children, the childrens' mother who should be on board and part of the team if at all possible and about your girlfriend. Everyone needs to be respected and have their needs met. It is doable but I think a lot of that will come down to your girlfriend and her general feeling towards children of that age becoming part of her life and her ability to manage the balance needed. That is where I would maybe be more concerned as even a 21 year settled in their own home, paying the bills, continuing with their job, adulating along, may find suddenly jumping to thinking about how to manage two kids of that age difficult.

As someone else said, lifestyle.

Out of interest, would you go out with a 47 year old? (be honest )

Someone wisely said to me that relationships are all about looking for the same things, not being the same age...I think that's very true. If you're both honest about your vision for a relationship, it shouldn't get in the way. A male colleague of mine got fairly hooked on a younger woman recently and she broke it off when it started getting serious (8 months later!). She said his age was the reason for the break-up but obviously she always knew his age. She just didn't fully get what he was after in a relationship, got freaked out and ran for the hills.

I just don't think it'll last. Its not so much the gap, as the life stages. She's likely to still have a few years clubbing ahead of her - actually I didn't stop getting bored with clubs till I was about 28.

I definitely wouldn't have been up for going clubbing with a big gang of 21 year olds at 34.

Though actually you'll have the kids so won't be able to go out much anyway. Who wants a boyfriend so constrained at the age of 21?

Im sure you're both lovely but I can't see the point tbh.

Incidentally my BILs best friend is about 38 and has been going out with a girl for a couple of years. She's NOW 21, she was 18 when they started seeing each other.

Everyone likes her, she's very mature and sensible. But that means that everyone thinks he is immature. People say "who would even go out with someone that much younger? Someone who can't deal with someone older" People are slightly contemptuous of him, and we are honestly just waiting for the relationship to end. She is well able for him, and he is viewed as the clingy one. He'd be devastated if it ended. But I suspect he needs her more than she needs him if you know what I mean. She has a lot of options and lots of ambition.

I dont think its fair. I think youre at completely different stages of life.
She will end up in a bloody mummy role before shes even discovered herself. I think stay friends with her maybe but dont take her best years.

My DP is 47, i'm 29. For context he has 2 kids not much younger than me! Who cares? If it works for you both then ignore what anyone else has to say, you're both adults!

You're in different life stages as said by pp. I think it's unsuitable and you'd be deluding yourself that you are mentally the same. Even if she has her mature moments and you your childish moments you are still at different stages of life. you should be looking at someone 28 or over.

I think years ago people at age 21 were probably more mature than your average 21 year old is now.
Most 21 year olds nowadays are barely out of school/college/uni and have little exprience of being out in the big bad world.
Speaking from experience most people alter considerably between the ages of 20 and 25.
Only the op knows how " in tune" he and his girlfriend are and how she feels about his situation, if he sees a positive future, then it is nobody's business but the couple concerned.

It's all who cares and we get on well in the honeymoon phase. after a couple of years when the dust settled you will realise how wrong you are for each other. You being the older person it's unfair of you to exploit her naivity at that age. I know she's legally an adult but come one she's only been a grown up 5 minutes ago. She needs to live and learn and you ought to know better at 34.

I was 20 when my now husband was 37! We've been together 8 years now and have 2 dc so it can and definitely does work. He used to get the jibes about how young I was but a lot of his mates said they were joking and they were just jealous. Whether that's true or not I don't know, but either way, we proved anyone who doubted us wrong.

If you didn't realise how young she was until she told you, then I'm guessing she comes across as mature so all good

The age gap isn't creepy. DH is 14 years older than me. But I was in my mid-thirties when I met him.

At 21, my 26 year old boyfriend seemed miles older than me!

Your stages of life will be quite different and this will come out in ways that may hurt you. You also have to be mindful of your kids' needs. The partner you choose will play an important role in their lives. You want to keep this area of your life as uncomplicated as possible, for your kids' sake. And somehow, I don't think a 21 year old GF would be classed as 'uncomplicated'. She's just starting out her adult life. She needs her messy play. A wise man would stand back and let her get on with this.

No not creepy at all. Depends on how mature she is too. Its only 13 years but you must be prepared to accept the fact if it continues she may want a family at some point. My mum is 12 years older than her partner and they work together well but met when they were older and are very much in love. Just take it as it comes and don't worry. If it doesn't work its not meant to be.

The 'honeymoon' phase can be completely different to the rest of the relationship regardless of age gaps!!!

When I think back to when I was 21 I realise how young I actually was back then. She's going to likely want children in her 20s/30s and you'll be 40+. Not that that's a problem but it's something to think about in terms of the future. I suppose it's down to what you both want now and in the future. She has lots of growing up to do so she could grow apart from you as she gets older

It's your business. You're both adults.

I know some mature, intelligent 21 year olds & some significantly older people with limited maturity & severely arrested development. Age isn't a sure way to judge who works together.

I know a 50+ female who's been in a relationship with someone in his late 20s for a couple of years. They look very happy. There were a lot of jibes to start with but everyone just accepts it now, including her adult children. Don't even think about the age difference anymore.

It’s fine.

People talk about ‘different life stages’ without acknowledging that not everybody goes through the same ‘stages’ in the same order.

It’s perfectly possible to be a 21 year old who has done their partying and studying and is ready to settle down. Just as not every person of that age is interested in partying anyway.

It’s dating, not getting married. If you like each other just see how it goes! Don’t make any promises, as you wouldn’t at this stage anyway.

You’re both adults.

i'm 25, my step dad is 33 and my mum is 48 been together 8 years .... There may have been a bit of fib telling on his end regarding age but there in love and it isnt wierd for us, he calls me his daughter still even though i was like 17 when they met.

Ps I think it's jumping the gun to be fretting about who wants what in the future. It's early days, you've clicked, see where it takes you. Worrying about far into the future seems premature.

My husband is 14 years older than I, we have been married for 23 years, it's a non issue for us. We get looks and comments. But I love him and that's all there is to it.

I just don't think it'll last. Its not so much the gap, as the life stages. She's likely to still have a few years clubbing ahead of her - actually I didn't stop getting bored with clubs till I was about 28.

I was bored of them by nineteen, having started at fourteen. Each to their own!

To those saying ‘it’s not fair on her’ give up the weird paternalism, she’s a young woman but she’s an adult and I assume she’s more than capable of deciding for herself what she wants out of her life now and in the future. She’s not a young teenager who needs protecting.

It’s so weird how as a culture we infantilise young adults now, in years gone by people would often be married by 18 and have kids by 21! It’s much better now that people have a choice and can freely decide what they want, but 21 year olds aren’t too naive or stupid to be able to decide for themselves who they want to get involved with!

My dp is 14 years older than me. Similar ages to you.

It's become a bit of a running joke with friends but it's not creepy. We have a completely equal relationship.

14 year age gap for me .. it's ok at first .. but then it all went wrong in my case .. I'm now divorced .. I'd think hard OP .. I do think if you were totally comfortable you wouldn't be asking for our advice ...