I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

Are you capable of completely, utterly, treating her as an equal?
Ha ha, in the three relationships I know where the man is between 10 and 14 years older, it's definitely the younger woman who rules the roost. The three women worked FT and contributed into the joint finances. Of course life experience comes into it, but it doesn't have to be used in a condescending, I know everything/you know nothing way.

@Mangoo

The question was is the age gap bad and to me no it isn't

It's not just the age gap though...it's the fact that he has 2 kids.

Relationships are challenging enough without a young lady having to deal with the baggage.

Of course she can decide whether it's for her.... but reading the stepparent board...it ain't worth it...and those women don't know what their getting into.

Of course she may just want good time with the OP...and not see him as 'the one.

It's my first and it's not his but it's special to US

I'm sure it is ...but speaking to guys on second marriages....it's not quite the same.

I have 2 kids and the first pregnancy will always be exciting...that's not saying I love my first any more than the second.
Congrats on your pregnancy.

'Emotionally mature' 16 year olds really aren't emotionally mature.

'Emotionally mature' 16 year olds really aren't emotionally mature.

In fairness, I've met a few who could easily pass for 17.

icedpurple are you always this awful or just when you're judging other peoples relationships. When I met my now husband at age 17 I'd been living in a flat share for over a year and had a full time job, was also doing in house nvqs. I wasn't a school girl thanks. I've slept with other people before meeting my husband and also did plenty of partying, I'm 100% sure I don't want to do that again, wasn't really for me. As for travelling etc, in 15 years time all my children will be 16+ , your life doesn't stop when you turn 40 so I'll happily do things then. If I want to that is, it doesn't really interest me much right now. We go on loads of days out and have fun, just in a different way to those not settled. What works for some people doesn't for others. We genuinely enjoy going to zoos, going camping, hiking, trail parks, theme parks etc, we did stuff like that anyway but now just do it as a family.

You sound quite bitter. I know of plenty people that are in their 30s that wouldn't be able to have a serious relationship ...plenty are ready much, much sooner

Seriously though, there are 16/21 year olds who are relatively mature; but they have not reached the maturity of a person 10-15 years older than themselves. Research shows that neurological developmental continues until 25!

I was a mature 16 year old. I still wasn't an adult. I was a mature 21 year old; I look back at some of the things I thought and did and cringe. Anyone meeting me would have thought 'she's very mature for a 21 year old' but I wasn't a fully formed adult! Regardless of responsibilities a young person may have (and carry out very well) that doesn't accelerate maturity.

are you always this awful or just when you're judging other peoples relationships.

Yes, I do judge 'men' who 'date' teenage girls. So sue me.

in 15 years time all my children will be 16+

Will you be setting them up (both your sons and daughters obviously) with mums and dads a decade older than them?

17 and 27 is grim (on the part of the grown adult with kids who was chasing a teenager) doesn't matter how peachy your life is now.

will you be setting them up with mums and dads a decade older than them

What a weird question... I won't be setting them up at all, I'm quite sure they're decisions they'll make themselves when the time comes.

Very peachy actually

What a weird question...

Not a weird question at all. I don't think I've ever met a parent who would be thrilled at the thought of their 17 year old daughter shacking up with a married dad.

I was 17 when a 43 year old groomed me and lured me into a relationship. Only looking back can I see how wrong it was. Apparently I was 'mature'.
Just no. If it were my daughter I'd kick off massively.
21 isn't 17. But it isn't much further.
You're attracted to her but it doesn't mean you should go there.
Please let her meet a man with no children so she can get married to someone with no kids and experience it all properly. It isn't the same having babies with a man who already has them.

How would you feel if your 21 year old son dated a 34 yo woman with two kids?

I know a lovely guy who met his life partner when he was 20 and she was 40 with two kids. His parents were horrified, went on and on about them not being able to have kids. When I met them it was 20 years later and they were still a great match.

I really don't think these things are always rigid at all, and I don't believe a 21 year old is a 'child' or 'just out of school'. Most are finishing uni at this stage and moving into work. Once I was working in London I really don't think I was less mature at 22 than 32.

He wasn't 'chasing' me. We met at a friends party. Most of the people there where around 22-29 , I worked with the friend.

It is a weird question, you literally asked if I'll be setting my kids up with people when they're older. Of course I won't, that's weird.

My parents did have reservations when I first told them about the relationship, I get that as it seems a large gap at that age. They are good people though and got to know him and they have always got on really well. My dad and him are pretty good friends now.

Its hard not to take offence when people are calling your relationship, in which you're married with children 'grim'. It's quite cruel actually and I think you must be quite a sour person to do that

It's quite cruel actually and I think you must be quite a sour person to do that

If you want to think that, that's fine.

I'll continue to think that it's creepy for a grown man with kids who goes after a teenager who couldn't legally buy a drink.

Oh who knows? My parents got together when she was 21 and he was 40 and were happy until dad died at 91.

Then again, I spent 15 years with a man 13 years my junior who was a violent abusive git.

I'll continue to think that it's creepy for a grown man with kids who goes after a teenager who couldn't legally buy a drink. Yep. Grim.

Oh, and I don't think all this 'Well this massive age gap couple is still married so it must be OK" is a valid argument.

After all, Woody Allen is stil married to his ex-partner's daughter, who he took nude photos of when she was a teenager. Are we to now say that that is a healthy relationship?

@SandyY2K sorry I don't think I explained clearly I'm not actually pregnant (yet) after two losses this year. I guess I mean that although it's not his first there are individual challenges that all relationships go through that make that time special in it's unique way. For us it's unfortunately been grief but I know it'll make it all the more meaningful when it happens.

Didn't mean to hijack / change the subject on the thread with that but me being pregnant wouldn't fit with another thread I'd started recently which I got a lot of great support from so wanted to clear that up.

Thanks for the congrats though!

I don't think anybody on here has insinuated that's a healthy relationship. My relationship is very healthy though so I think tarring everyone with the same brush isn't on

My point is that longevity does not neccessarily equal a healthy relationship. Many of the very young partners chosen by older men (or women, though in practice it's nearly always men) will never have had another serious relationship and so will have nothing to compare their partner with. So the relationship could last for years and still be exploitative, because the older partner has groomed the younger one, who knows no better.

Not saying this happens all or even most of the time, just that saying that a relationship has lasted x number of years neccessarily means it's a healthy relationship.

No it doesn't, just like a one year relationship between two people in their 40s may not be healthy. That's why we shouldn't judge others

No it doesn't, just like a one year relationship between two people in their 40s may not be healthy.

No, but at least the two people have a better chance of being in the relationship on equal terms than if one is a teenager and another is a parent who's already been around the block a few times.

That's why we shouldn't judge others

Except the OP Is asking us to judge his relationship. That's why he posted. Unless, of course, he wanted us all to congratulate him on landing himself a young piece.

How did this end up being about 17 year olds?.

This: " I've been with my husband almost 10 years, I'm 27. He was 27 when we got together, me17."

And I think the reason it's drifted slightly away from the original topic is because the OP hasn't come back to engage with us, for reasons I speculated on above.