I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

No one has any issue with it. He is 54, I am 32.

That's a rather different scenario though. You're a mature woman, with years of life experience as an adult. Though personally I wouldn't date a man so much older, it's not at all the same thing as a teenager dating a dad nearly twice her age.

@Frustratedfrenchie exactly! I'm so glad for you and your husband.

@Helmetbymidnight yeah that's what I meant :)

@IcedPurple last time: he's not a fucking father. I don't see him as a father. Honestly.

Though personally I wouldn't date a man so much older, it's not at all the same thing as a teenager dating a dad nearly twice her age.

I think she is referring the op. Who is a father.

last time: he's not a fucking father. I don't see him as a father. Honestly.

Calm down. It's not all about you. There have been posts here from teenageers who are dating much older dads. And nobody is ever going to convince me that is a healthy set-up.

@adoggymama
I can see you're getting annoyed and think that people just don't get it. Honestly some of us understand exactly what you're saying but we are also acknowledging the red flags waving distinctively and because like your partner we have been around the block a few times, we have seen scenarios like this play out before and they honestly rarely end well despite what you read on this thread.

I think part of the problem is in our society there is a belief that once you hit 18 then you're an adult and therefore equal to any other adult in all regards irrespective of their age. People would find an age gap relationship with anyone below 18 and certainly 16 completely unacceptable, but once you hit the magical threshold of 18 then it's suddenly a question of implied "maturity" as to whether the age gap is acceptable. The problem is due to the "nativity of youth" most young adults (including myself in the past) believe that they know more about the world than they do and therefore overestimate their relative level of maturity. I think this is a pretty common and widely accepted phenomenon that is almost a rite of passage.

Really when you turn 18 and start entering adult relationships I see it much more like when you first pass your driving test. You are legally entitled to drive on the roads the same as every other driver but there is a much higher chance that your lack of experience will lead you to exercise poor judgement at times which could potentially lead to accidents. For that reason new drivers often use "P" plates to indicate to other road users that they are less experienced so other drivers can drive more cautiously and are more patient. Relationships are similar in the respect that most people are still effectively wearing their "P" plates as they are learning the ropes and getting experience in their late teens and early 20s and this may well mean that they exercise questionable judgement at times. This is why some men prefer younger women, because they are more plyable and more likely to accept poor treatment. Look at Prince Charles and Diana if you want a good high profile example of this kind of thing in action. She was an adult and had some level of understanding of what she was getting into but the overriding feeling one gets from the early interviews is very much "lamb to the slaughter".

IcedPurple In answer to your comment a few miles back yes there was a daughter from the provious marridge that childs mother having passed away sadley, but it was no propblem in practice and we had two DD's between us . Me and former wife are still on good terms.

But ain't it odd that it's almost always middle-aged men 'getting along great' with teenage girls? Will you be 'getting along great' with teenaged boys when you're his age, do you think?
This 100%

I literally can't be bothered to keep replying on this thread anymore. I'm trying to take a nap whilst my boyfriend is out with the puppy. I have to babysit a 1 year old all night later (which is my job- babysitter. & something I very much love doing!) so I need a rest. :)

Don't worry, some people just want to keep on hammering it home, it comes across very poorly imo, and I'm usually a live and let live poster.

I've seen this issue from both sides, and I think we can all spot potential 'red flags', but it doesn't always mean something unpleasant and sinister is going on.

Op i am your age and couldn't get into a relationship with a 21yr old guy. Im also a parent and would think we were just at far too different life stages.
That's not to say I havent been attracted to guys that age 😳 but that's all fantasy world. I couldn't go there in reality

I don't think its ideal as a proper relationship due to the children's ages. She was 12 when you became a dad, if you had a child in a few years your son would be closer in age to his 'step mum' than his sibling.

You just so rarely even see it the other way round with older women targeting very young lads because I guess men really value naivety and childlike immaturity in a woman/girl. They often think it's charming and cute and have no idea what to do with an older woman that can see through bullshit and can't be manipulated.

Women don't tend to value immaturity and naivety in boys in the same way

because I guess men really value naivety and childlike immaturity in a woman/girl.

Ah, but all those teenaged girls going out with much older men are so mature, don't you know.....

My only experience of an age gap relationship is a friend who met a seperated 34 year old dad of 2 when she was 17. She thought their relationship was amazing and that it was normal for a man to constantly find fault with you and belittle you because she had zero experience with anyone else. She finally sussed him as a narcissistic emotional bully who groomed her and then abused her for nearly 13 years. They have two DC and he stole her twenties. I'm therefore cautious of any relationship where one party has a huge amount more experience that the other as it can be used to manipulate.

In terms of the OP, I was a bit of a self centred dick at 21. Whilst I could come across as quite mature, I'd never have been emotionally mature enough to take on some else's kids. This girl may be the complete opposite. There are just too many variables to generalise. Ultimately I don't think a 21-34 age gap is creepy, but I do think it's potentially open to abuse.

'But she loves the kids and they get on so well'
Cue free sex with someone inexperienced, people thinking youre loaded (why else do young girls go for older me except if they are being used and taken advantage of) and a free babysitter for your brats.
Win win. For one of the couple-not the woman.
Most women aren't attracted to vulnerability because our instinct is to nurture rather than be predator to young.

I should add at 21 I didn't know I was a self centred dick who would be clueless with a partners kids. I thought I knew it all (another sign of immaturity lol), I worked with kids in a sports environment, I had nieces and nephews. It's only really since having my own and understanding the what it's really all about that I feel I could give a partners kids what they need from a step parent.

My 26 year old son dated a 37 year old woman with a ten year old autistic son.
Theyve been together 10 years now.

But he was 26, that's a good few years into adulthood.
What does the fact the son has autism have to do with it?

I have a lovely friend who met her DH as she was a babysitter to his DS's, after his 1st DW sadly passed away. She was 16, he was 45. She utterly adorded him, as he did but he was so put off about the "creep" stuff, he refused to even consider a relationship, so she went to Uni, worked, trained etc. DFriend came home, after 10 years, and decided that yes, he was the one. They married a couple of years ago, have 2 gorgeous DC's as well as the DS's that she babysat for, who adore her for the love she has shown their dad.

It's a cliche, but if you love someone, you love them. It doesnt matter how old, or how old you are. Or how old the other side is.

the DS's that she babysat for, who adore her for the love she has shown their dad.

How heart-warming.

Not.

What on earth is wrong with ModreB's story? Why are you so determined to see unpleasantness in everything? Yes, life isn't all daffodils and roses and yes, plenty of posters get the point (and agree with you to differing extents) that some of these scenarios aren't ideal, and there are undoubtedly predators/inadequates out there taking advantage, but you are way too dismissive of other people's lives, and their right to live those lives.

I'm afraid you just come across as full of bile. I also get that you don't care that you do.

you are way too dismissive of other people's lives, and their right to live those lives.

Oh, people have a right to live their lives as they wish. Just as I have a right to find it vomitous that a 45 year old man would 'adore' the barely legal school girl he hired to care for his small sons.

I'm about the age he was then, and I cound never find myself 'adoring' a boy in his mid-teens. It simply would not occur to me.

Nor me, but you're over invested to find it vomit inducing.