I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

And FWIW I am incredibly encouraged by the fact your male friends are calling you a creep because it demonstrates that older men don't have a right to young women and all see them as fair game.
Not that they are your views by the way.

I have friends who at 21 weren't interested in going out partying etc... Who wanted to settle down and who did so.
she can fulfill her right to party

I really don't recognize this way of looking at the world.

Being young is not just about 'clubbing or partying' - its about having the freedom to explore what suits you in your first adult years.

It doesn't follow that someone who doesn't like clubbing or partying is anymore ready to 'settle down' than someone who doesn't like shopping or football.

I would say someone who genuinely wants to settle down with a much older guy at 21, is someone who might well have 'issues' and its a shame they haven't had the space and time to explore those issues.

Those I know who 'settled down at 21' regretted it at 40.

@helmet I do get your point.

The original question was about the age gap and I don't see the problem. If she has expressed she wants to go and live her youth or whatever then yes a relationship with OP probably shouldn't be encouraged but if she's happy with things how they are and it works for them both then why not.

I know I'm slightly older than the woman in question but I just know I'd be super upset if I knew strangers who didn't know me were encouraging my DP to end things with me because of my age and what they all think I should be doing with my life.

I know I'm slightly older than the woman in question but I just know I'd be super upset if I knew strangers who didn't know me were encouraging my DP to end things with me because of my age and what they all think I should be doing with my life.

But her 'boyfriend' came on to this thread, ostensibly looking for advice.

We haven't heard her perspective at all. In fact, we've heard very little from the OP himself. Does he see this as a potential LTR? Or just a fling? If the latter it's hardly an issue.

But since we know very little about the individuals, all we have is the fact that a nearly middle aged dad is going out with a young woman who would be refused entry to a lot of pubs due to her youth. To pretend there are zero issues with such an age gap is being extremely naive imho.

But you're in your 30s.
She's 21, barely old enough to have graduated from university and only just entering adult life.
You, like me and many others, have been around the block and have baggage. Please don't ruin the beginning of her adulthood-the age gap isn't awful if only she were older, but she isn't.
She may be quite capable of expressing what she wants but what is the problem is that the wishes she has are based on the context of her life stage.
I agree with your friends, no ifs or buts. I think you want people here to agree with you and disagree with your friends. I think the majority won't, though. Find someone your own age, not a free 21 year old entering the best part of her life. Don't let her waste it.

My second wife was 22 and i was 42 when we married but it lasted for 20 and a half years so it can and does work!

My second wife was 22 and i was 42 when we married but it lasted for 20 and a half years so it can and does work!

Did you already have 2 kids when you met her?

And I'm not sure all these 'Oh my wife is half my age and we barely notice it' posts offer much. Sure, age gap relationships can work. But more often than not, they don't.

I remember watching a clip on YouTube from the Doctor Phil show in America where a man was keen to marry his much younger girlfriend. The show had mocked up how the couple would look in 20/40 years time and it was pretty shocking. They went from looking like a young woman with an attractive middle aged man to an attractive middle aged woman with an elderly man. Although obviously the actual age gap hadn't increased in terms of years, the acceleration in aging of the man made it seem much much wider. Funnily enough I remember they also had statistics that showed that there was a higher likelihood of divorce for age gap relationships and the rule was generally the bigger the age gap the greater the chance of divorce.

I'm not sure what the couple concluded at the end of the segment but it definitely seemed pretty illuminating about what the future could hold.

I'm 40 and even to get a 25 year old boyfriend would be wrong for me, because I would be denying him the chance of meeting someone his own age to have children with/marry.
No matter what anyone says, and this will raise some comments I'm sure, but people who have already have kids/other baggage are 'damaged goods' (not sure how else to describe it-include myself in that and don't mean it horribly) and should stay with other people who are also at that life stage. A 34 year old child free never married woman is much more capable of taking on a man with kids due to the natural maturity and life experience she has. Leaving the younger generation to get on with their life stage.

Funnily enough I remember they also had statistics that showed that there was a higher likelihood of divorce for age gap relationships and the rule was generally the bigger the age gap the greater the chance of divorce

This is true. It's also true that relationships where step-children are involved have higher divorce rates. Of course there's no indication that marriage is on the cards here, but it does show that despite all the happy stories here, statistically age-gap relationships tend not to succeed long-term.

They went from looking like a young woman with an attractive middle aged man to an attractive middle aged woman with an elderly man.

Indeed. The difference between 'older' and just plain old. This guy is still relatively young, probably still fit and healthy and will likely be for 10 or 15 more years at least. But when she's only in her 40s and he's an old man? Not so cute.

My second wife was 22 and i was 42 when we married but it lasted for 20 and a half years so it can and does work!

So she left you when she was 42 and you were 62? Good on her. Maybe she realised the age gap that didn't seem huge when you were 40+ was painful when you were getting to be an old man?

Even if the relationship lasts 20 years it’s still creepy.

I had a married teacher who groomed a 14yo and they were “official” when she turned 16 and left school. They married and had DC and as far as I know are still married many years later. The length of the relationship doesn’t stop him being a sex offender (under today’s better laws).

This young woman is 21, so it’s not that kind of territory, but still grim.

My parents had a 13 year age gap and met when my mum was 19. They had 4 kids together (including me!) and were together for around 20 years before they split. They split cos my dad's an emotionally abusive twat, not because of the age gap!

People are quick to judge you as 'creepy', but if I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for similar circumstances.

Sorry I think its creepy and I would judge. You are at totally different stages of life and I would see it as almost taking advantage of someone I would absolutely hate my 21 year old daughter going out with a 34 year old dad of two.

They split cos my dad's an emotionally abusive twat, not because of the age gap!

It's certainly not always the case, but I would say emotionally abusive types would often be the types to seek out much younger women. Or girls as in your mother's case.

I've been with my DP 3 years since I was 20 and we have a 12 year age gap! Has caused no issues for us, mentally we are on the same wave length and I don't think we look too odd together (although I am clearly bias).

We have DS 7mo and things are great.

Also to mention he has 2 DC from a previous relationship which hasn't impacted things at all with or relationship (other than general struggles with step kids not age gap related)

I've not read all the replies but sometimes this site really makes me shake my head. Why are some women convinced that being in a relationship/having kids at a young age is a 'waste' . Some people WANT to do that, that's their idea of 'having fun'. I've been with my husband almost 10 years, I'm 27. He was 27 when we got together, me17. We have three amazing children and I in no way feel my life is 'wasted'. You don't have to sit in all day watching Teletubbies once you have kids you know. We have an amazing life and seem to do a lot more than others my age that haven't 'settled down'.

Op, if you're both happy then go for it

He was 27 when we got together, me17.

I'm sorry, but however 'amazing' your life is, it is creepy for a grown man to date a school girl.

@Keepingupwiththejonesys The thing is if you want to travel or sleep around or live in a yurt in 10 years time, it'll be difficult to arrange.
If you'd wanted to do that 10 years ago you could be settling down now.

If I had to chose between yurt living/ travelling/ having a gay old time and having a family I'd chose the latter of course, but it's nice to have done both. By settling down so early she's not able to do both. If she does yurt living first followed by settling down she can do both.

But where is the indication that this couple are about to 'settle down'? Does he even want that, given that he's already got two children?

Like I said a few pages ago, I wonder if the OP is genuine at all, given his almost complete absence from the discussion.

My mum was 14 years younger than my step dad and my dad is 12 years older than my SM. My friend is 'only' 10 years younger than her husband but she met him when she was 16 and he was 26 and he had three children already.

All these marriages have lasted. What really annoy me is the way people judge on the basis of age only. I have met people much more emotionally mature at 20, even 17, than some at 35. As a matter of fact, I do sometimes wonder how immature some 40 yo can be and think that my 18yo DD would cope better with a particular situation they are in.

The key point is just not to rush into anything. She will need to realise and fully understand that by committing to you, she is also committing to two children and she needs to be given the chance to realise what that entails. She will need to respect your positive relationship with your ex, similarly, you might have to accept that you will need to make quite a number of compromises to make her feel that she isn't just an add on to the life you currently have.

Whatever you do, don't rush into moving in together, and more importantly, don't rush into having a child, that includes trusting that she is using contraceptives.

They split cos my dad's an emotionally abusive twat, not because of the age gap! Without the age gap she might not have married an emotionally abusive twat.

she met him when she was 16 and he was 26 and he had three children already.

Ugh. Was he her teacher? Or her girl scouts leader? Where do grown men 'meet' teenagers for dating purposes?How did her parents feel about their schoolgirl daughter 'dating' a 10 years older father of 3?

I have met people much more emotionally mature at 20, even 17, than some at 35.

I've asked this several times already and am still waiting for an answer. What is meant by 'maturity'? How can a teenager who can't vote or buy a drink be more 'mature' than a middle-aged adult? It just sounds like excuse-making to me.

And how is it that all those men - they are almost always men - cite 'maturity' as a desirable characteristic, yet choose to 'date' decades younger girls/women?

I worry about the power balance in relationships like this.

Are you capable of completely, utterly, treating her as an equal? You won't EVER claim that your age and life experience trumps her opinion?

I've seen these things go wrong. Especially sad is when the older bloke imparts useless or dangerous wisdom and habits onto their much younger partner. Whether you like it or not, she is still forming as an adult - are you prepared for that responsibility?