I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

[Biweeklyshave]

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

I was 18 when I met my partner. He was 30. There's a twelve year age gap.

My partner also has four children from his previous marriage.

I'm now 22. We are still together. My partner is now 34. We are expecting our first child together. I have a fantastic relationship with my four step children whom I all adore. They are all beyond excited to meet their new little brother who is due toward the end of July.

I am 19 (f) and my boyfriend of 10months is 34. So no- it's not a big age gap. ;)
Although my partner doesn't have any kids or previous marriages- I wouldn't be able to deal with that baggage!

I am 19 (f) and my boyfriend of 10months is 34. So no- it's not a big age gap. ;)

So because you've been with your 15 years older boyfriend for a whole 10 months, it isn't a 'big age gap'?

Do you every wonder why he chose a teenager rather than a 49 year old - ie, someone with a similar ('not big') age gap, except in the other direction?

Age is just a number. It depends on the person/s concerned. When I was 21 I was extremely mature for my age, having been brought up with older relatives. First relationship with someone older lasted 11 years. Second (with someone 12 years younger) lasted 20.

@IcedPurple depends really. Does he ever wonder why I went with someone older? Probably. And we've discussed it at length. Depends on how mature you are for your age really, not all 19 year olds go out, binge drink, party etc.

He actually thought I was older when we met though. And I thought he looked about 25!

It's love. And he's my best friend now. There's not too many benefits going out with a 19 year old anyway if you're referring to that. I have no steady job. I'm a student and we have a balanced relationship. Neither one of us relies on the other for anything.

Interesting how it's almost always the much younger woman that is considered to be super mature in these age gap relationships. It's all really very convenient and I struggle to believe that someone that has spent just 3 years as an adult can somehow replicate the maturity and life experience of a father of 2 that has lived 5x as many years as an adult. There is either something very strange about that man that has meant his personal growth and maturity has somehow stalled (which suggests all kinds of problems for the future) or there are indeed different maturity levels at play. I tend to think the latter is most likely.

Depends on how mature you are for your age really, not all 19 year olds go out, binge drink, party etc

People really do think liking partying or not is a sign of maturity. I never came across this before mn!

I am also smirking at those in four year or ten month relationships thinking they are successful long term relationships. You are still together? Wow! Come back intwenty years, eh!

@adoggymama
Please take this post in the spirit its intended as I'm honestly not trying to patronise you or rain on your parade.

At 19 I too thought I was mature for my age, didn't like binge drinking etc and was smart enough to keep up with intellectual discussions. By my mid 20s I was a young professional adult living alone and completely independent. I thought I had pretty much reached peak maturity and was able to hold my own with anyone irrespective of their life experience. Then I got into my 30s, got married and had kids and oh boy, did that challenge my life view on pretty much everything. I have changed in ways that I wouldn't have believed possible and I feel like I'm just getting a handle of what real 'maturity' and 'wisdom' means.

What I'm saying to you is your relative maturity at 19 would be very different than the expected level of maturity of someone in their 30s. This doesn't make you immature, but we are all the product of our life experience and you simply have not had as much as your partner. He has been around the block many more times, probably learnt important lessons from this and has decided to start a relationship knowing full well that you don't have the same reserves of life experience as he does to draw upon. Does that make him evil or manipulative? No, but it almost certainly creates some power imbalance and this isn't accounting for the presumably different financial/employment positions you are both in.

One thing that has changed now that is as a nore ardent feminist I can see with more clarity that it is not a coincidence that older men go for younger women with depressing regularity whereas you seldom see the reverse.

There's not too many benefits going out with a 19 year old anyway if you're referring to that

There is for men who want a teenager to control and want to boast that they've bagged a young piece. Not saying this is always the case but it very often is, whether the younger partner understands it fully at the time or not.

Depends on how mature you are for your age really, not all 19 year olds go out, binge drink, party etc.

But as others have said, how can a 19 year old really be 'mature' in comparison with a 15 years older man who has already done the LTR and kids thing? And if he was after 'maturity' isn't it odd that he chose a teenager?

Or put differently - when he was your age, you were 4. But sure, you're on the same level of 'maturity'.

Interesting how it's almost always the much younger woman that is considered to be super mature in these age gap relationships.

Isn't it just? And of course the man is always 'young at heart'. And the woman always looks 'much older'. Because of course she does. That's why the man sought out a much younger partner. Sure.

One thing that has changed now that is as a nore ardent feminist I can see with more clarity that it is not a coincidence that older men go for younger women with depressing regularity whereas you seldom see the reverse.

Yup. Men will attribute this to 'biology' which it may be in part (though women will always find young men hotter too) but a lot of it is to do with wanting to control and dominate a woman who's still in her formative years, however 'mature' she may like to think she is.

I can't see anything 'mature' in exchanging old daddy for new daddy on the grounds that you don't much like going to parties.

It seems to be the most child-like thing you could possibly chose.

I don't disagree with some of these recent comments, but I'm put off by the sneery, know-it-all tone of some of the posters.

No one is right or wrong, people are doing the best they can, this is all grist to the mill, all life experiences. As I say, my parents had what would be considered an extremely successful age gap relationship that lasted over 50 years. I had a long relationship with a much younger man, not so successful because he was a hideous abuser, ho ho. There we are, learned a lot, never doing that again. And I'm an older woman, should have known better shouldn't I?

I don't disagree with some of these recent comments, but I'm put off by the sneery, know-it-all tone of some of the posters.

I don't think people are being 'sneery'. But yes, I do roll my eyes a tad when teenagers tell us they are so 'mature' and that their relationships with 15 years older dads are entirely on an equal basis. If that makes me patronising, so be it.

I simply refuse to think that someone who was wearing a school uniform a year or two ago can be 'mature' on the same level as a middle-aged man. And I will always question the motives of men who seek out such women/girls. The fact that some of these relationships may turn out to be 'succesful' isn't going to change that.

@IcedPurple he doesn't control me. I would never let that happen.

Also the only reason I mentioned 10months is that it's my first relationship and considering my age- 10months is a pretty solid relationship. I'll come back in a couple years time to update you all on my current relationship status.

Of course, I understand the difference in age and how people go through different life experiences and challenges and learn from them through age. But I had a slightly different childhood growing up, let's just say that. In reality I've spent almost my entire life around just adults, I didn't attend 'normal' school. I dealt with different life issues from a young age that many 30 year olds will probably never have to deal with or experience. (And no, I wasn't raped or abused).

I was the younger woman. No kids involved though.

I was mature for 18. But mature for 18 isn't the same as a 36 year old. I married the older man. I would have said it was an equal relationship. We were in love, age didn't matter etc.

Except it matter or rather the power balance and difference in life experience did matter. But even as a mature 18 year I wasn't mature enough to see that.

Honestly I do have reservations about men and women (I know 2 women who were mid-late thirties that married men in their early 20s and 1 woman who was 31 and started a relationship with a 16 year old) that always seem to pursue much younger partners.

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree. Huge assumptions being made, in very judgemental fashion.

@IcedPurple
I don't think people are being 'sneery'. But yes, I do roll my eyes a tad when teenagers tell us they are so 'mature' and that their relationships with 15 years older dads are entirely on an equal basis. If that makes me patronising, so be it.

I simply refuse to think that someone who was wearing a school uniform a year or two ago can be 'mature' on the same level as a middle-aged man. And I will always question the motives of men who seek out such women/girls. The fact that some of these relationships may turn out to be 'succesful' isn't going to change tha

He's not a dad, first of all. Never has been married.
I wasn't wearing a school uniform 2 years ago as I never wore one funnily enough!

It's sad that at your old mature age you can't broaden your mind enough to accept that people can and will get along great with people of different ages. It's legal, it's hurting nobody and you sound to me like someone whose either not in a relationship and sour about it or simply in an unhappy relationship.

Welcome to the modern world- men and women can change their genders as they please, there are millions of new technologically related jobs available, everything is basically on a smart phone now and women can date men older than them and not be considered gold diggers or having daddy issues.

@PeppermintPasty I agree, huge judgements are being made and I think it's just rude to be honest!

I appreciate your open mindedness.

I don't think anyone has said it can't work.

But it often doesn't.

A mature 18/19/20 year old is a mature 18/19/20 year old. That's not the same as being 36.

It took me 18 years to realise that actually the power balance was off in my marriage. He has always taken the lead. I didn't even realise he took the lead until I was about 33. When I did realise and started to want to equal that out, it didn't go down well. The age difference then became an issue for him, he felt I was pulling away because I wanted someone more fun and my own age. That I was worrying about caring for him in his old age etc. Non of this was true. I just wanted to be my own person and had, somehow, lost myself in the marriage.

This doesn't happen in all age gap relationships, but it happens a lot in my experience. Experience of my own marriage and of those around me.

Of courses women can date men older than them - and have done throughout history. Women should date who they like.
Certainly doesn't make them 'mature' though. :)
And yeah, if you're 18 going out with a middle aged Dad, older women will feel sorry for you/think its a shame for you.

And that's ok too.

men and women can change their genders as they please, debatable.

@Helmetbymidnight he's not a dad!

Not really 'debatable' actually.

I dated two men much older than me. One was 39 when I was 25 and I still get the creeps when I think of how he manipulated me so easily. The other was 50 when I was 35 and it was a lovely perfect relationship that ended only because he moved very far away. I agree about stages of life in retrospect. 35 and 50, both have a bit of experience under their belt.

Now I'm 45 and partner is 36 and we are happy and compliment each other. It took him a while to convince me the age gap wasn't a problem. I'm so glad he did. But if I was 33 and he was 24, it wouldn't be a good match.

22 years between me and my husband. You can't help who you fall in love with. No one has any issue with it. He is 54, I am 32.

My comment was in general not aimed at you.

People can date who they like. People can think what they like about that.

I don't know what you mean by can change genders. Did you mean change sex?

Also the only reason I mentioned 10months is that it's my first relationship

Red flag right there imho.

Your very first relationship - and you're a teenager with a bloke 15 years your senior? Who was legally of age when you were in nappies?

It's sad that at your old mature age you can't broaden your mind enough to accept that people can and will get along great with people of different ages
Right.

But ain't it odd that it's almost always middle-aged men 'getting along great' with teenage girls? Will you be 'getting along great' with teenaged boys when you're his age, do you think?

It's legal, it's hurting nobody and you sound to me like someone whose either not in a relationship and sour about it or simply in an unhappy relationship.

Yes it's legal. Whether it's hurting nobody remains to be seen. As for the rest of your post... all I can say is that you're not sounding terribly 'mature'.