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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

270 replies

Gutted74 · 16/06/2018 12:54

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted74 · 20/06/2018 18:28

I've also lost some respect for him now so I guess that means I'm more angry than upset now

OP posts:
Robin233 · 20/06/2018 18:41

So when he said he would end the friendship your answer should be:
'Yes you should.
Thank you. '
Men DO NOT understand emotional affairs / attachments.
If there's no sex it's ok.
It is NOT.
Is yes the friendship must end.
But please let him know that you appreciate it when he does.
Yes men should know all this by themselves. But they don't.
(That's why we are the stronger sex) so pleased he's coming round :)

Alfiemoon1 · 20/06/2018 18:49

My dh didn’t get it ether both him and his friend aka ow said they would end the friendship but although it may of for a while he just then deleted they WhatsApp messages between them and lied about it so he didn’t get in trouble which of course caused more issues

Original poster
Gutted74 · 20/06/2018 19:49

@Robin223 yes I suppose he is coming round but the I always thought of him as perfect in that way, after 25 years of absolutely no problems in that regard, and now finally I realise he's not, bit of a shock to the system that he's like 'other men' after all. Like I said earlier I'm seeing him in a different light and I don't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted74 · 20/06/2018 20:47

@Alfiemoon1 i just don't get what the women involved think theyre doing. As a woman you know about the emotional side of things so why on earth would you put yourself in a position to potentially wreck someone's marriage?? There are plenty of single men out there. Some women just must be complete bitches

OP posts:
Footballmumofthefuture · 20/06/2018 20:52

Because some women have no morals.
People on here continuesly argue women don't have any commitments (which is true)
But they have a brain and hopefully empathy.

You have to be a particularly heartless person to mess with another persons marriage. Commitment or not.

MaryandMichael · 20/06/2018 21:02

I just don't get what the women involved think theyre doing. As a woman you know about the emotional side of things so why on earth would you put yourself in a position to potentially wreck someone's marriage?? There are plenty of single men out there. Some women just must be complete bitches

Oh. This again. I am sorry you are hurting.
But...

He's your partner, not her. He owes you the respect earned by marriage and 25 years together. He owes you fidelity, if that's the deal you two have. She owes you nothing.
If he comes on to her like a single man, there's no reason why she shouldn't respond to him as she would any other single man.

It's not her. It's him. Just him. He's the only one in an inappropriate relationship. It's not a matter of having 'empathy' for a man's wife. Married women often want to make the success of their marriages the responsibility of single women who are approached by their husbands. Not on.

GreenItWas · 20/06/2018 21:02

I think you need to get a friend to watch the house the next time you go to work. I would bet my bra strap that despite his saying he is going to stop seeing her he is back at it on day one. He seems incapable of realising how hurtful his behaviour is and thus is likely to continue. In your shoes, I would be pushing for the trial separation in order to open his eyes a bit maybe?

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 20/06/2018 21:28

She owes you nothing.

Thanks for this one we see trotted out every single time, even after the OP has made it very clear that she has put the main blame on her husband.

I owe my NDN nothing but I still wouldn't do this to her, and if I did, it would still be shitty, cheap behaviour and make me a total bitch. Do you think you have to owe someone something to respect their relationship? Do you honestly believe that if I did this to my NDN, I would be blame-free, and that the NDN would be unreasonable to call me a bitch?

Spare us the self-righteous crap. The husband is to blame here but that woman is nasty.

Sally2791 · 20/06/2018 21:35

Hmm .I wouldn't be happy with this

Ryder63 · 20/06/2018 21:41

Hmmmm......I would be wondering if this 'friendship' goes underground now. Sounds like he had/has a bit of a crush, and although he may wish to stay married to you, he may find it hard to give up contact with his crush.

Robin233 · 20/06/2018 21:50

She owes you nothing.
Thank you mrs desire.
So eloquently put.
You wouldn't walk on to your neighbors drive and take their car.
So what's the difference between trying to take your neighbour's husband?
Neither belongs to you.
It's called 'stealing'.
Do unto others etc etc.

MachineBee · 20/06/2018 22:01

I think you know OP that you have to get your ducks in a row. Even if they’re not needed

BelieverNow · 20/06/2018 22:41

I've come out of a relationship, ended 18mths ago, due to emotional cheating. At first, I had a gut feeling, but didn't want to say anything as I had self doubt and wanted to trust him, then it got a bit worse, as he spent more time alone with his female friend, going out getting drunk together whilst I was at work, and I wouldn't know about it unless I rang him and found out he was out in town, it was at the point it started to bug me, but still I didn't say anything, then, his female friend stayed over at his house for 2 weeks, and I felt like a wallflower, I wasn't part of their conversations, he barely looked in my direction, had obvious attraction body language signs in her direction. Anyway, our sex life turned down hill, apart from when he was staying at his, and his was more hornier than normal, - which I had a gut feeling it was little to do with me. Anyway, after these 2 weeks, I kept accusing him of fancying her, became really emotional about it. Everytime I bought it up he would get furiously mad at me, saying that I should trust him, saying that I was being cruel to him by not trusting him, he played the victim, he told me that he was doing nothing inappropriate, and that I need to get counselling for my wild accusations.

Anyway, we broke up shortly after. A year later, the person that he was friendly live, actually fell out with him and now we are really good friends, and she has confirmed it to me, that she sensed that he was attracted to her, and also, she even told me that he had asked another friend of mine if he wanted to be 'friends with benefits' just shortly before I got with him, and this person, I fell out with her when I was dating him as she kept trying to get him on his own, he played it down with me and made me think that it was her being disrespectful to me rather and he was the innocent one, as it wasn't his fault that she fancied him, however, according to my friend (the one who spent 2 weeks at his house) he allowed her to be flirty with him and never put the boundaries up, never made it clear that he wasn't interested.

It was a good friend of mine, who didn't like my ex and my ex didn't like her, that told me to trust my gut, told me that his body language is for other women and not for me.

18mths later, I'm now grateful to these two women, because if they weren't around, I'd still be in a relationship with him, not ever knowing what he's really like. I'm in a place now, where I'm still angry with him, but at the same time I'm smiling cos I realise I had a lucky escape.

BelieverNow · 20/06/2018 22:41

So, what I'm saying is 'Trust your Gut'.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/06/2018 22:51

You can’t steal a person, if they don’t want to be taken

Thewheelshavefallenoffthebus · 20/06/2018 23:08

He’s a twat op. Definitely up to no good. Sorry

Filzma · 20/06/2018 23:32

You can’t steal a person, if they don’t want to be taken

Word

TheMonkeyMummy · 20/06/2018 23:33

Did you talk to your neighbor?

Monty27 · 21/06/2018 01:25

OP this is not going to end well. Ducks in a row as said upthread.
Flowers

Robin233 · 21/06/2018 05:04

You You can’t steal a person, if they don’t want to be taken

True - but you still shouldn't try lol
Have some respect.
Bread crumbs .

Footballmumofthefuture · 21/06/2018 05:59

You can’t steal a person, if they don’t want to be taken

But you shouldn't try!

aeromint · 21/06/2018 07:16

OP sorry you are going through this...

As a side note, I admire you for your patience and for not having a go at your neighbour. By this point I'd have really scratched her eyes out!

Ryder63 · 21/06/2018 07:22

By this point I'd have really scratched her eyes out!

Hmm
babba2014 · 21/06/2018 07:59

The correct reaction from him should be to not talk to her and leave it be.
He listened to you and said he'll calm it down instead but failed to do so, then got angry at you for breaking his own promise.
He needs to end it now. No chances. As someone suggested, someone needs to keep an eye out or you won't know as you are away for work. Can you get a friend in disguise? That's the only way you'll know if you can trust him as he could go the other way and get clever and hide it from you.